The Three Years
by Death-By-Bacon
Summary: Sasuke enters the lair of Orochimaru and Kabuto, hoping to receive the power to beat his brother. However, it is not what he expected at all. CRACK.
1. Chapter 1

The Three Years

_The Three Years_

Author's Notes: If you do NOT like stupid crack stories, go. Get out of here. Well, you can read it if you want, I'm not saying you can't but… this is a mega, ultra, super crack story. Yet, I must say that everything here is the TRUTH.

Okay, it's not the truth. I lied there a bit, but I don't care much. This is the story of when Sasuke went off to Orochimaru for his "training". The story of Naruto gives very little detail about what occurred in the three years Sasuke stayed with Kabuto and Orochimaru. So one day last year it got me thinking: what could I fit into the three years that's relatively funny? I quickly came up with this horrifying story that has entertained my close friends for a year now. Now that I have few chapters left to write, I've decided to put the chapters already written up online to see if they entertain the masses and just put a smile on people's faces. People may flame me for it, but I really have to see if it works.

So without further ado, I bring you The Three Years, a crack story that torments our little Sasuke. If you dislike him, you may get a kick out of it. I hope my torment to him brings you joy.

_Summary: Sasuke enters the lair of Orochimaru and Kabuto, hoping to receive the power to beat his brother. However, it is not what he expected at all. _

_Comedy/ Crack_

Chapter ONE/ Introduction: Arrival

Sasuke looked up to see what he had waited to see for days; the small makeshift hut said to be one of Orochimaru's hideouts. He had come from all over the land to find them, only to find the ones he had come across empty and abandoned. His shoulder was still sore from his previous fight with Naruto and his body was heavy with traveling fatigue but finally, he had found one that was indeed, at the moment, housing Orochimaru himself.

Quietly, he stepped across the path, careful not to step on any mines or traps. After making an amusing dance-like strut to the door, he stopped where he was and stood motionless. He stared at it; stared down that door as if he could burn it down with the powers of his mind. This moment was what he had waited for quite some time now, and yet he felt unsure and nervous, as if he was about to sign his soul to the devil. (This, when you think about, was exactly what he was doing.)

At first, he had no idea how to enter. Should he fling open the door and scream out, "Train me! _Now_!" Or sit there until somebody realized he was standing out there. He felt like a Girl Scout who was selling her first box of cookies on her first day of door-to-door selling. Now _that's_ scary.

Finally, after much debate, he moved his hand forward… and rang the bell. At first, when nobody came, he thought that perhaps, nobody was home, and that they just left. No, he was certain they were here. He knew it.

The doorknob turned from the inside and the sound of the lock opening gave him the worst feeling. _Run_, he told himself. _It'll_ _look like kids playing Ding Dong Ditch_. To late, for the door opened, and a heavily bandaged, white haired man stood before him. The two stared at each other for a long, long time.

Sasuke was the first to speak. "Orochimaru!" he shouted. "I… NEED… TO FIND… HIM!" He stood there shaking from head to foot. "I…AM…UCHIHA SASUKE!"

The man suddenly beamed at him, as if Sasuke was Santa Clause on Christmas day. "ME!" he shrieked. "I am him! Me!" He jabbed pointed fingers to his bandaged face, as if pointing himself out. But Sasuke refused to believe him, and his nerves were wearing off.

"No." he said. "I need the real Orochimaru. The _real_ one." The man kept smiling. (If you could see his face, that is.)

"Me!" he shrieked yet again. "MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Now Sasuke's patience was gone. "Not you, I need a guy with BLACK GIRLY HAIR AND MAKEUP! NOT AN ALBINO!

"MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" The man screamed, now not as happy as before. "I AM HIM!"

Luckily, a familiar face appeared. "What's with all that god damned screaming!?" Sasuke perked up but this. Kabuto had made his first appearance.

The medic-nin guy! Sasuke thought. He must be smart and super serious. He'll help me…with logic!

Kabuto looked down at Sasuke, but his reaction was not what Sasuke expected. Perhaps words cannot described Kabuto's reaction, but let's say if was like a walrus noticing the sea was made entirely of fish sticks. Only like a human instead of a walrus, and no fish sticks. Let's just say he was happy.

Finally, after the two stopped spazing over Sasuke's presence, Kabuto and the albino guy led their new guest into the lair.

"So where is Orochimaru?" Sasuke asked suspiciously. Kabuto laughed.

"He's right here!" he chucked, and pointed to the albino. Sasuke felt his face flush.

"Oh dear." He muttered. "I'm very sorry."

"That's fine, honey." Orochimaru grinned. "My liposuction was a success! My face should be ready now." He ripped off his plastic face, bandages and all. He truly was the devious Orochimaru, in the flesh.

Although the fact that he had called him honey just then frightened him, Sasuke ignored it and continued to follow the two deeper into the tunnels. During this time, the two whispered back and forth things Sasuke could not hear or understand, but several times they glanced back at him, and several times Orochimaru giggled with huge excitement. Sasuke found this very concerning, but tried his hardest to ignore it, telling himself, _Think of the power, Sasuke. Think about it_.

After three minutes and walking down the winding tunnels, Kabuto opened a door and motioned the rest to follow. Inside was another hallway.

"Are there guards here?" Sasuke asked Orochimaru, noticing the unusual and creepy loneliness of the halls.

"Not a single one, but we have the best security money can buy."

"You're rich?" Sasuke asked, amazed.

"No." Orochimaru said simply.

"But you own an entire ninja village." Sasuke said. "Why aren't you rich?"

"I spent it _all_ on the security system." He smiled. "It talks when you enter certain rooms." He stopped in front of a random door and opened it with a look on his face that said, _"Oh my gawd, the door talks_." Sure enough, as the door opened, it beeped three times and a woman's voice called, "Washing Machine Room OPENED." The voice made Sasuke's neck hair stand on end, but he continued walking.

Now Kabuto was making a long and boring speech on the uses of soap, and Orochimaru was opening all the doors he could find with the security hooked up in them. Down the hall, Sasuke heard, "…soap was invented by the Romans, who…BEEP BEEP BEEP! OROCHIMARU'S STUFFED ANIMAL CLOSET OPENED!...of course, we also use liquid soap as well… BEEP BEEP BEEP! SIMULATION OF A STRAWBERRY FIELD ROOM OPENED!...and I clean my hands three times a day…"

Already, Sasuke felt an extremely large headache and Orochimaru giggling was NOT helping at all. As he walked, he rubbed his temples vigorously, trying to get the images of soap out of his head.

"Are you sick, honey?" Orochimaru said suddenly, making Sasuke jump and shiver.

"I'm fine." He said and walked as far away as he could. Orochimaru looked disappointed, but rushed up to Kabuto to whisper once more.

Sasuke walked slowly behind them, rubbing his arms as they kept walking, really, REALLY nervous at the decision he had made. Kabuto leaned over to whisper something into Orochimaru's ear, which made Orochimaru burst out laughing. Sasuke nearly passed out by the sound of his shrill laughter. Still, he kept thinking of glorious power, and continued to follow.

He noticed the more they talked, they looked happier and happier. Just what were they talking about? he wondered. He seemed afraid to find out, but the feeling of knowing was eating at him. Finally he got the courage to walk faster and reach earshot of their constant whispering. He had to walk as silent as he possibly could, but he could not seem to do even that for he tripped a lot. Yet they did not turn around. Now was his chance.

He got just far enough to make out what they were saying, yet it was hard to hear with his heart beating that fast. _Stupid heart_. Sasuke mentally yelled at his organ. SHUT UP OR STOP BEATING! He didn't seem to care at how completely odd that may have sounded. He continued to try and listen, craning his neck closer to hear.

Orochimaru started talking to Kabuto. It was hard to make out, but suddenly Sasuke heard a few unexpected words. In between the giggling, Sasuke heard Orochimaru excitedly whisper, "I wanna be the mommy!"

That was it. That was all Sasuke needed to hear. He backed into a wall panting and frightened. He had no idea what it meant, but he knew it was bad. Kabuto and Orochimaru turned back to him.

"You okay, Sasuke?" Kabuto asked. "I am a doctor, you know."

"Stay away!" Sasuke grunted. "Don't get near me!"

"Awwwwwwww…" Orochimaru sighed. "He's delusional."

"Don't worry." Kabuto grinned. "I'll have him fixed in a moment. I am a doctor, you know."

And with that, he bent over and picked up a massive rock the size of his head. Smiling, he turned to Sasuke and smashed it into his skull.

Sasuke groaned, blinking at the strange dream he had just had. "That was weird." He said to himself. He seemed to be on a bed, perhaps he was still at his hotel. Maybe he never left and all that was a silly dream. He chucked and sat up.

It was NOT the hotel. The room was covered in blue fish and trucks. Toy boxes were stuffed into anyplace that they could fit. And there were white bars surrounding him on a pink bed that was too small for him, and made his knees tuck under his chin.

He tried to climb over the bars, but a silvery mobile kept hitting his head, and stopping him. It was a simple trap indeed, but very difficult to escape. He tried kicking down the bars when suddenly Kabuto and Orochimaru leaned over the side of the cage of evil.

"Hi." Kabuto said with a strange grin on his face. He seemed unusually stiff, but unusually happy. Orochimaru, who was now wearing a pink, flowery apron, was less stiff than his doctor friend.

"He's so CUTE!" he squealed, pinching Sasuke's cheeks. Sasuke smashed the bars down with a sudden kick and rushed across the room. Orochimaru stopped him.

"He's such an aggressive baby, isn't he, Kabuto?" Orochimaru said in a babyish voice.

"Baby?!" Sasuke repeated, trying to squirm lose from his grip. Kabuto gasped.

"He said his first word!" he said, shocked. "Children do not usually speak this early in life. He's a prodigy! I _am_ an expert on these things, you know!"

"What is this about!?" Sasuke cried. "What are you talking about!?" They blinked at his. "I was supposed to be trained, but I do NOT understand what this is! Explain, now!"

Orochimaru looked as if Easter had come early, and he had received one thousand chocolate bunnies. "Oh honey," he smiled teasingly while nudging him. "You know!"

"I do not!" Sasuke glared. "What is going on!?"

Kabuto stood up. "I guess we should tell him. We shouldn't lie about this type of thing."

"Very well." Orochimaru sighed. He looked up, looking serious. "Sasuke…"

"…we adopted you."

Author's Notes (After you read that): ……...………………………………..well, wasn't that a shock?

Mmmm-kay, that's the beginning of the story. The beginning of the twenty-chapter story. Not sure what you people are gonna have to say about this but I'm putting this on the internet because I want to see what you people think about it. Good or bad. I'll finish it. If you like it, thank-you. If you hate it, thank-you as well. Just do not flame and shoot your Naruto logic at why this would never happen because I've heard it all already.

Anyways, just to sum up some little things, the alarm system is based off my friend's house that shouts when you open the door. We call it Pam because it speaks in a creepy female voice that scares me every time I hear it. The rest is me putting stupid things like blue fish and trucks into every bit of the story I can.

I also hope I fixed any spelling errors that I could get to but if anything seems a bit off I apologize. I've looked over it a few times but I miss things easy.

Thank you anyone for spending time on this story and I hope you enjoy reading the rest of the story as well.


	2. Fun With Flashbacks

Author's Notes: Okay, this is the second chapter. For those who gag on the thought of yaoi, go away. This chapter pokes fun at everyone's favorite couple, Orochimaru and Kabuto. They're married. They've been married. Where have you been?

Actually, I don't really support this couple. This is all in good fun. Even if you don't support it, you have to admit they are a TAD close.

Chapter Two: Fun with Flashbacks

Sasuke felt as if somebody had slammed another rock into his skull. He continued to stare at the two who smiled at him from across the room. He opened his mouth to speak, and then closed it again. Finally he found his voice.

"I don't understand." He said simply. "Wasn't I supposed to train and…stuff?"

"I'm the mommy!" Orochimaru shouted, pumping his mighty fist of parenthood into the air. Sasuke remained silent.

"But…" he began. "…my…power?"

"The power of family." Kabuto grinned. "That's all you need, son."

"How did this happen?" Sasuke moaned. "I don't…I don't understand! It makes no sense!"

Orochimaru skipped over to Sasuke is a very girlish fashion. "I think he wants to know how we met!" he sang happily, rocking on his heels. "I always wanted to tell this story."

"Wait, no!" Sasuke began, but Orochimaru drew him into an inescapably tight hug.

"Let's make it easier to everyone and make it into a series of flashbacks with some dialogue at the end." Kabuto said, smiling. "Fade out and….go!"

Orochimaru sat at the small desk with a banner overhead labeled, "Evil Sidekick Auditions Today!" He folded his hands and watched the pitiful people and their pitiful attempts that they were failing ever so pitifully. The day was long and slow, dragging on hour by hour with little to no meaning.

"Why do you want to be my evil sidekick?" he asked a shaking, nervous man. The man looked terrified…and WEAK, but Orochimaru still waited patiently for him to calm down, although it seemed to take forever.

"I…I'm an evil…uhhhh…I'm really evil." He looked as if he were on the verge of fainting, and pulled out an inhaler. He clumsily inhaled it and shoved back into his pocket. "I just…"

"Next."

"What?"

"Next."

The man looked as if he had lost a part of his soul, but he walked sadly off with out another word. A white haired man with glasses stepped up.

"What's your name?" Orochimaru asked.

"I am not a mind puppet from Sasori." He said automatically. "I mean, I'm Kabuto."

Orochimaru already knew that this one was sent from Sasori, his old partner from Akatsuki. But the reason he close Kabuto was not of skill or knowledge, but when Orochimaru looked up at him for the first time, he instantly fell in love.

Audience: AWWWWWWWWWWWW!

Yes, for the next few weeks, Orochimaru was head over heels for Kabuto. He began doing strange and extremely creepy rituals of love. He now kept a lock of Kabuto's hair in a small box he guarded with his life, and every month when Kabuto ran off to pass hidden information onto Sasori, he would follow him and sigh dreamily in the far off bushes. He basically became a stalker, in all the worse ways.

Finally, a month later, Orochimaru approached Kabuto one early morning.

"I love you." He said automatically, grinning broadly. Kabuto just stared.

"I don't understand." Kabuto mumbled. He began to walk away but Orochimaru pulled a bag over his head, tied him up, and ran off.

This was the fateful day in which Orochimaru broke the mind seal on Kabuto. This process called for beating the person senselessly with a baseball bat, force-feeding them a bottle of ketchup, then kicking them repeatedly in the shin.

Finally, after this was over and Kabuto had magically healed instantly, he was back to his old self. The two both admitted their feelings to each other and they were married in a week.

Audience: Ewwwwwwwww!

After about another month of so, both Kabuto and Orochimaru admitted that they wanted a kid. Well, Orochimaru mostly, but Kabuto went along with it. It was time for…FAMLY TIME!

Sure, they could have gone to that orphanage down the street, but who wants to do things easy like that? No, they wanted to do it special, by causing huge village invasions and crazy stuff like that. So for the next three Konohan chuunin exams, Kabuto went UNDER COVER in order to find _The One_. They never really found one that completely was _the one_, except for the second exam, where they found a boy with amazing skills and power. However, during the second exam, which was a cake baking exam, the poor boy died unexpectedly by spilling 1000º batter on his chest, burning a hole in his heart. It was a very sad and hopeless situation, but by the third exam they were fine.

However, on the fourth exam, Kabuto met a group from the leaf village with a boy named Sasuke. The team was hopeless, the other kid was constantly doing stupid things, like poking giant, angry pigs with forks in an enclosed area, and the other was an annoying girl obsessed with the color pink. Sasuke, however, was different, and showed high potential.

During the second exam, Orochimaru made his attack. He first sent a giant snake to eat the dumb kid, Naruto, which of course was not needed, but he thought it would be funny. Then a bunch of stuff happened. You should watch the episode, because as a narrator I don't feel like explaining it.

'Kay, now after all that stuff that I don't care to write, Sasuke ends up with the curse mark, and stuff. Now it's time for the FIRST ATTEMPT!

The first attempt to retrieve Sasuke would have gone well, but Kakashi was there. Even though he was not very strong, and he was a n00b compared to Orochimaru, Kakashi still managed to stop Orochimaru. Next was Kabuto's attempt.

Sasuke was placed in a hospital because of… heart complications? Who knows, but it was difficult for Kabuto to get to his room, on account that he was in a hospital. He would have been there faster, except that he HAD to stop and look at the scalpel knives and the surgeon rooms, watching people get their livers removed. For Kabuto, that's fun stuff. And when he finally got there, Kakashi ruined their plans again. That's how Kakashi became their family enemy, and the beginning of the whole…invasion thingy. Yeah.

So well, it started well, until Sasuke went in a completely different direction, Kabuto was forced to play ANBU all day, and Orochimaru lost his arms.

"I don't want my baby see me like this!" Orochimaru wailed miserably. But they could wait no longer. So they sent the Sound Five, an old 80's band from the Sound Village. They were, as you say, cool; but they failed and died. And they didn't bring Sasuke back, but they put him in a box, which was fun for everyone.

So they sat there, sulking and sad, until Sasuke, who was so made and crazy with power, nearly killed his best friend and went to go find them on his own. Thank you, _doing nothing powers_!

"And that's how we found you!" Kabuto smiled. "By doing nothing!"

"Yeah!" Orochimaru chimed. "You did everything for us!"

"What?!" Sasuke screeched, twitching violently. "Wait…" he stopped short and thought about it, and finally said, "But, it's not official." He hesitated for a moment as their smiles faded slightly. "I mean, I wasn't put up for adoption, and you don't have papers, so you _didn't _adopt me…"

For a moment, the two stared at him like he was crazy, then Kabuto burst out laughing.

"We already signed papers!" he chuckled. "You!"

Sasuke blinked and stiffened, unsure on what he was talking about. Kabuto was still laughing. "The curse mark!"

"It's the signature!" Orochimaru sang.

"And you're the paper!" Kabuto added, as if it was the greatest news in the world. "The pretty, pretty paper!"

Those words made Sasuke want to tear at the flesh on his neck so badly. That was it? That was all he came for? To relive childhood with age-confused parents? This wasn't possible. He went through all that trouble for this? TO BE ADOPTION PAPERS!?

"Well," Kabuto sighed. "Perhaps we should get Sasuke to bed. He needs his rest. All us doctors know this." He nodded intelligently.

"Okay," Orochimaru sighed as well. He attempted to pick up Sasuke like a baby, but found the task quite hard, considering he weighed 93 pounds. (Which is very underweight, but not for a ninja I guess.) Instead, he picked him up from his armpits and pushing back in a magically fixed crib.

"Nighty, night, Sasuke! " Orochimaru said in his annoying, girly voice. He patted his son on his head and began to walk out.

"Do you want a night light?" Kabuto asked.

"I sleep in the dark." Sasuke said tensely. Kabuto shrugged.

"Suit yourself, son." Kabuto sighed, and walked over to Orochimaru at the door. They turned back to him, smiling sweetly.

"Good night, honey!" Orochimaru said in the sweetest voice he could possibly speak. "We love you."

Sasuke stood there, enraged and utterly confused, trapped in his little crib. They stood there starring at him for a while then slowly closed the door.

The only sound Sasuke could hear was the silvery mobile swaying overhead in the dark, scary room.

Author's Note: If we had everyone adopt kids like they did, we'd have too many orphans getting bitten to death on the neck. CHOMP.

I know and I must apologize right now; SORRY FOR THE AUTHOR-NOTE-LIKE NARRATION. I'm afraid to say there is quite a bit of that in my writings. I know how annoying it is. I'm sorry, truly. But really, the story was written to sound like a narrator is speaking in normal dialogue. You'll notice that in many chapters.

Anyways, I'll have the third chapter up soon. Bye.


	3. ChooChoo's and Baby Fat

Author's Note: This was, for a time, one of my favorite chapters in the entire story

Author's Note: This was, for a time, one of my favorite chapters in the entire story. I had so much fun with it and a lot of the chapter opens some gags that go on throughout the story. Today it takes place the next day after chapters 1 and 2. Kabuto and his new son go out for a day of enjoyment in search of something worthwhile. Enjoy.

Chapter Three: Choo-Choos and Baby Fat

Sasuke awoke, exhausted and hungry from a long, terrifying night. All night long he had been trying his hardest, to the limit of his power, to escape the crib of evil, but with no luck. Eventually, he dozed off; too exhausted to go on, but now, with the sun streaming through the blinds he decided to try again.

However, before he was able to do anything a smiling Kabuto entered the room. "How was you sleep?" he asked sweetly, adding a teddy bear to his collection already overflowing in his crib.

Sasuke didn't say a word, but stared at him long and hard, twitching slightly. Kabuto stared back for a moment or two, and then attempted to pick up his new son. Like the night before, he could not lift his, so he simply allowed him to walk beside him; that is, he had to hold his hand the entire way to the living room, somewhere on the 59th underground floor.

Orochimaru was now wearing a blue and green striped apron, and in the kitchen flipping pancakes and bacon. Several times the sizzling food missed the pan and landed on his arm, cause him to scream and burn, but then he smiled and flipped them back in. He looked over his shoulder and spazzed at the presence of his two favorite people in the _whole_ world!

Kabuto flipped Sasuke violently into a play pen that was far too short for him; he could easily step out of it and walk away. However, Sasuke sat still and refused to move. Kabuto sat on the couch and began watching at taped episode of ER.

"Orochie." He said over his shoulder, looking concerned. "I'm worried about Sasuke's diet. He seems extremely overweight!"

"_My son_?!" Orochimaru gasped. "That's not possible!"

"I'm afraid so." Kabuto sighed. "I feel we should put him on a strict baby diet."

"Are pancakes unhealthy?" Orochimaru asked, flipping a strip of bacon clean into the air.

"No, they aren't." Kabuto said, thinking extra hard. "But bacon is." He picked up a magazine labeled _I'm a Doctor Weekly_ and flipped it open. "But we shouldn't give him as much food as he wants. Look at him. He's the size of a ten year old!"

That was true. Sasuke was built strangely like a ten year old…except for his good looks, that is. The problem of this situation was that Sasuke was extremely _underweight_. _They're gonna kill me_, he thought, shaking. _I can't stay here_…

"Breakfast!" Orochimaru sang happily from the kitchen, twirling plates of pancakes on his fingers. Sasuke stepped over the play pen as Kabuto began to prepare his booster seat for him. Mind you, he did not fit, but they got him in… just barely.

He looked down at his plate. There was only half a pancake with little to no syrup on the top. He poked at it sheepishly and looked up.

"I usually eat, like, three of these." He mumbled.

"That's all you need, honey." Orochimaru fussed. "You're on a diet!" he continued to eat. "Honey?" he said suddenly to Kabuto. "I think it would be a good idea to take Little Sasuke to the Toy Store! He needs a new toy, and it'll make him feel more welcome in our home!"

"Splendid!" Kabuto cried. "I'll take him after lunch! Father-son time, ya' know!"

Sasuke remembered counting the six toy boxes and life sized teddy bears pushed in the corners of his room. A new toy didn't even seem needed. He sighed and folded his hands.

"I have to say something." Sasuke said quietly, but the two looked up. He sighed and blurted, "I'm twelve. Not two. I'm underweight, not overweight. Got it?"

"Sure you are, son!" he laughed. "Such a big boy, huh?"

"Your time will come, Sasuke." Orochimaru said quietly, eating his pancakes, and then dumping seconds on his plate. Sasuke's mouth watered. His half of a pancake was gone, and Kabuto's bacon sure looked tasty… He tried to reach forward desperately for his plate, but the strap on the booster seat dug deeper into his organs, and he gasped in pain.

"Done so soon?" Kabuto laughed. "You sure are a hungry sport!"

"That's why he's fat." Orochimaru said stiffly, looking as if he could cry.

Kabuto held his hand while crossing the street to the toy store. Some parents walking over to Target ® stared confused at the 19 year old man and the twelve year old boy crossing the parking lot. Even stranger was when they began to head for the Toy Store.

"Is that your brother?" One lady asked.

"He's my son!" Kabuto said brightly, cause those around his to cringe. "My adoptive son!" he added, but they still backed away from them cautiously.

Once they had reached the door after the horrifying walk of shame, Kabuto eagerly opened the door to a store Sasuke had never seen before. And by a store he never saw before, I mean a store he had never seen as chaotic as it was. Mothers and children were running around, screaming and attacking each other with toys. There were some kids in the outdoor toy department setting fires and explosives off, while parents in the board game sections were shoving monopoly pieces down the other parents' throats, and others smashed board game boards into the heads of the person next to them. Moaning workers and children were lying all over the floor, and a child who's mother was now bleeding from the head on the ground was fighting to the death while others tried to eat her flesh.

Sasuke stepped away from the door in terror.

Kabuto smiled and merely stepped into the horrific world of Toy Stores and casually walked towards the nearest department. Sasuke sat there outside, waiting for him to notice he was there beside him anymore, but after he disappeared behind a mob of children, he felt his legs shake. However, he still walked inside, ignoring his chance to run away. I guess when you're in that much panic, you can't think of anything else than to walk towards your doom.

Upon entering, Sasuke was nearly pummeled by two women who screeched, "MY SON WANT'S A ROCK LEE ACTION FIGURE, AND HE'S GONNA GET IT!"

"THAT'S THE LAST ONE! I MUST HAVE IT!" Sasuke stepped over a few bodies and continued to find Kabuto, although, he was no where to be seen. Sasuke sat alone in the store, shaking violently. The door now was being boarded up by some children who shouted, "NOBODY LEAVES UNTIL WE GET OUR HARRY POTTER LEGO SETS!" All hopes of escape were lost.

Sasuke continued down the path towards the video game section. Of course, emos LOVE video games so it seemed reasonable for Sasuke to go there. However, this part of the store was just as bad as the rest. Why? The children had Try-Me game controllers. _TRY-ME GAME CONTROLLERS_. That is no laughing matter.

Just then, Sasuke heard a voice above the Battle Royale Toy Store. "It's perfect!" shouted Kabuto from the opposite side of the store. "Perfect!"

_Oh, crap_! Sasuke thought. _He found a toy! What the hell did he get!?_ Struck with more fear, Sasuke ran towards the location of Kabuto's cheers. Now, throughout the walk through the toy store, Sasuke had been doing quite well. Nobody had attacked him, or even thought about him the entire time. However, as Sasuke turned the corner towards the Lincoln Logs and Lego department, he heard the sound of an incoming screaming, and saw a boy armed with a squirt gun leap from the ceiling towards him.

"I don't have time for this." Sasuke mumbled, and reached into the air and caught the kid by his ankle. Stepping back, he swung the child around and flung him into a pile of boxed toys. Every child in the store turned towards him. Each one of their faces read, _I challenge you!_

Suddenly, the army of children attacked, each one violently lunging themselves at him. But, being the ninja that he was, he fought back just as well. "Gawd." He groaned after punching a small girl in the back of her head. "This is out of hand. Naruto wouldn't have been this bad. At least he'd know when to quit." Unfortunately, as he thought about it, Naruto would just run to the action figure section and beat children with Spiderman Web-Flingers. He sighed again.

Then he suddenly remembered Kabuto and immediately rushed out of the sea of deadly children, dashing towards where he first heard his voice. Franticly, he leaped over two girls tackling each other for a Barbie doll, and shoved his way past a mother wearing a sling. Finally, he saw Kabuto hang up on his Sound Ninja cell phone, smiling. His back was turned, and he was standing in front of something Sasuke could not see. He turned to him, surprised.

"Oh, Sasuke!" he chuckled. "I knew you weren't far!" (Worst. Father. Ever.) He stepped aside. "Look what I found for you, and mommy says it's fine. Look! It's even on sale!" Sasuke looked down, horrified. Behind Kabuto was a purple Ride-In train. Plus conductor hat. Hell yeah.

"Let's go pay for it." Kabuto smiled, grabbing a big box and walking off. "Come on, Sasuke!" Sasuke walked slowly behind him, eyeing the box fearfully. A ride-in train? Was he joking?

They approached the counter where a man armed with a knife sat at the register. He eyed them.

"Pl-pl-pl-please place your i-i-i-item on the c-c-c-c-counter." He stuttered, raising his knife at Sasuke's throat fearfully. Kabuto merely grinned and did as followed. The man marked it and placed it in an oversized bag.

"So," Kabuto said. "Is it always this busy?"

"Today's actually kind of slow." The man said, still not taking his eyes off Sasuke and Kabuto, and holding his armed hand firm at their necks.

"Well, thanks!" Kabuto said, taking the bag and walking off. "Come on, son!" The man at the counter stared at Sasuke and suddenly grinned.

"Son?" he chuckled.

"Don't ask." Sasuke glared, and walked off. As he left, Kabuto grabbed his hand and they walked back to the Kabuto-mobile.

When they entered the room with Orochimaru, they found him sitting in front of a computer screen screaming, "L! No! You can't die! Curse you, Light!" Kabuto placed the train on the floor.

"Orochimaru!" he called, making him turn around. "We got it!"

"I'm sorry, but I'm not done with my episode!" Orochimaru sobbed. "I can't!"

"You're watching it on the computer." Kabuto said. "There is a pause button."

"Oh yeah!" he said and skipped towards the two.

For the next fifteen minuets, they sat there and egged him to sit in the train which was much too small for him. They taunted him with a teddy bear and Orochimaru shoved a "binky" in Sasuke's mouth, which must have been cursed because Sasuke could not get it out afterwards. Not only that, but they shook rattles in his face. Finally, after nearing losing sanity, Sasuke stood up, and walked towards the train. ("Don't forget your conductor's hat!" Kabuto shouted.) He took a deep breath, and stepped in.

The train imploded itself. A small nuclear explosion erupted in the middle of the room. Kabuto and Orochimaru jumped behind the couch to protect themselves. When it was over, they looked over the sides to see what had happened. In the middle of the room stood Sasuke with a pile of broken train around him.

"My son is…FAT!" Orochimaru screamed and ran to his computer to watch the rest of his Death Note episode.

And so, after successfully surviving the death of all Toy Stores, something anyone would be proud of, Sasuke went back to his second childhood with his age (and gender) confused parents. He continued his baby diet and constant play-times. He sometimes went days with out seeing the sun. Nap time was his favorite part of the day.

And as his adventures into childhood continued, he found himself in strange and idiotic moments of pain and awkwardness. But this is not his only time of horror. You will be entertained many more times than this.

Author's Note: Like I said, this was once of my favorite chapters to write. I simply LOVED the Toy Store and all its chaos. Sadly, as I look at other chapters I've written I notice I have small children acting savage and violent every so often.

The original concept of this story was a small comic I wrote that showed Kabuto's and Orochimaru's photo album with Sasuke. The part where they egg him on to hop in the train was one of the photos. In fact, many of the first chapters have reference to the actual drawing. Just a fun fact.

Some of the gags you'll see onward include the Kabuto-mobile, "I'm a doctor, 'ya know.", Sasuke's overweightness, and the Toy Store itself. See ya!


	4. A Zootastic Good Time

Author's Notes: This chapter may raise a few questions I will now say I will not answer

Author's Notes: This chapter may raise a few questions I will now say I will not answer. If they have anything to do with animal behavior and Orochimaru I'll just tell you to make up your own answer. It wasn't meant to be known by human beings.

Today we see the Orochimaru family as they go on a family outing together. How wonderful; how absolutely sweet. Bonding time, right?

WRONG.

Chapter 4: A Zootastic Good Time

It seemed that not only was Kabuto and Orochimaru age confused, but they also seemed to act as though Sasuke was aging faster than any child ever could. About a month after they had visited the Toy Store, Orochimaru began to take away baby toys saying, "You're getting too big for this!" and Kabuto was now saying, "He sure is growing into his weight!"

As exciting as growing up twice was for him, Sasuke found himself in the same torment and suffering. (He had a hell of a time explaining to them he was already "potty trained", which made Kabuto once more believe his was a prodigy baby.)

Now, we know why you read this story. It's to see poor Sasuke tormented in ways you wouldn't think could happen. But they did happen. This story is based on a true story, and so is this chapter.

It all started when Orochimaru approached Sasuke "playing" with his blocks on the living room floor. "Honey, woney!" he squealed. "Guess what I got!?"

Sasuke, who had been smashing his blocks to smithereens looked up, dark circles of pain under his eyes. He said nothing, but Orochimaru still smiled and pulled a present from behind his back.

"Open it!" he squealed. Still, Sasuke did nothing. He refused to move. After about a minute of this, Orochimaru sat beside him and opened it for him instead. When he unwrapped it, he pulled out a shirt and held it up. On it said, "I Love the Zoo!"

"Do you know what this means!?" Orochimaru said, almost jumping off his seat in excitement.

"…We're going to the zoo?" Sasuke groaned.

"RIGHT!" Orochimaru suddenly shrieked and threw his arms around Sasuke's tiny head, nearly suffocating him. "WE'RE GOING TO THE ZOO! You, me, and Daddy!"

"Good lord…" Sasuke moaned.

………………………………………………………………………………………

The three stepped out of the Kabuto-mobile into a crowded parking lot structure. Small children happily walking with their parents passed by the three as Orochimaru bitched on about the heaviness of the backpack they were carrying. Sasuke watched them.

_Anyone of these children could get lost_, he thought to himself. _A zoo is the perfect place to get lost. Now's my chance to escape and then go back home. I'll just act as if the curse mark MADE me do all that stuff, and everyone will love me again_! He smiled to himself and plotted.

However, no sooner had he heard the trunk shut on the back of the car, he felt a strange feeling. In no time flat, Orochimaru had placed a child-lease-vest upon him. "No!" he blurted out loud. "Curse you, child containment devices!" As he struggled to release himself, the two confused parents picked up the end of the child leash and continued walking. The sudden pull on his body cause him to fall over, and he was dragged down the three flights of parking lot fun. Oh yeah!

When Sasuke finally got to his feet, he followed behind them with a typical Sasuke-looking-indifferent look on his face. He followed them up to the ticket both as Kabuto ranted about how "Kangaroo's were nature's doctors" or something like that. Sasuke recognized the ticket seller as the paranoid register man from the Toy Store, only now he had more color to his face and was smiling cheerfully. He jumped up when he saw Sasuke and Kabuto walking towards his booth.

"Hey look!" he chuckled. "It's 'son'!" He laughed stupidly to himself, however, Orochimaru didn't understand and began to look annoyed.

"Three tickets, please." He said coldly. "Two adult, one child."

"How old are you?" the register man asked Sasuke.

"Twelve."

"I see." He said. "Uh…well, he'd be on the adult admission fee, guys. Sorry."

"He always says that!" Kabuto sneered. "He's three years old." He leaned in a little and whispered, "He's a little chubby, if ya' know what I mean." Sasuke sulked.

"Okay then." The register man sighed. "Two adults, one child ticket." Orochimaru was now back to his cheerful self.

"Thanks, mister!" he snatched the tickets away. "I'm the mommy!" The register man forced himself not to laugh, but from the look of it, it was a hard task. As the three walked away, he heard him whisper, "Hey, kid! Nice fashion sense!" This was either a comment to his Zoo shirt or his child leash. Anyways, Sasuke decided then and there that he despised that man more than anything ever before. (Except for Itachi…)

Now, the moment the stepped into the park, Sasuke knew something was wrong. As the approached the first few cages, the animals stopped suddenly and all turned towards Orochimaru and Kabuto. They did not move, even the ones sleeping awakened and froze. For a moment all was silent, except for the tourists who were excitedly giggling about the strange animal behavior. Sasuke felt a bad feeling as he watched them.

Suddenly, when they began to walk towards one of the fence, the animals jumped up and suddenly charged at the gate. They lunged on the sides of the gate, snarling and foaming angrily. Sasuke screamed in a girlish fashion and rushed back.

"Oh, Sasuke!" Orochimaru cooed. "I think he likes you! Wanna feed him? I'll bet he's hungry!" Sasuke stared at the angry eyes of the antelope and shook his head fearfully.

The strange thing about the zoo was the fact that every animal they approached was suddenly over come with anger and hatred towards Orochimaru and Kabuto. He knew it was them, because once, when they both had to use the bathroom, they tied the leash to a tree in front of a black bear pen. No sooner had they left, the bear suddenly became sweet and calm, trying to climb to Sasuke to give him a huge bear hug. When Kabuto came out of the men's room and Orochimaru out of the ladies' room, the bear became evil and viscous once more. Even dolphins and the penguins acted up as they passed through. Zoo workers were franticly rushing around to stop them, but as they walked away, they became to their old self, if not, sweeter than they were before. The only animals that didn't react that way were the reptiles at the reptile house, especially the snakes. They did, however, begin to shake violently and do other odd things like rolling themselves in a ball and rolling over like a falling log. One swelled up and exploded, but he was fine animal lovers. He lives to this very day.

After a calm picnic in the animal-free-park (Except for them pesky seagulls with tried to peck out Orochimaru's eyeballs.) they headed back to the rest of the animals. Sasuke was over the fear of animals mauling him, although he knew it was something he shouldn't get out of his mind completely. As they continued, Orochimaru suddenly screamed out something so fast, Sasuke couldn't understand what he was saying.

"ETTINOO!" he squawked.

"What's that honey?" Kabuto asked.

"OOOOOOOOOOO! ETTIN-ETTIN-OOOOOOOOO!"

"I don't follow." Kabuto said again. Orochimaru took a deep breath then screamed, "ITS A PETTING ZOO!" The two were silent while Sasuke stared fearfully at them.

"…LET'S GO THROW SASUKE IN A PEN OF ANIMALS!" they screamed happily. Sasuke's stomach dropped. "No." he muttered. "I'M NOT GOING IN THERE!"

"Come on!" Orochimaru sang, grabbing Sasuke's hand and rushed quickly toward the petting zoo. "Let's go watch you pet animals!"

"They'll kill me!" he screamed. "I won't go in there!" However he had no say in the matter.

"Don't be so scared, honey!" Orochimaru said. "We won't let the cute animals hurt you!" This meant Sasuke was doomed.

As they stepped towards the petting zoo, Sasuke covered his hands to his face, trying hard not to look at the animals. It sounded like a lively farm when approaching, but suddenly it became deathly quiet. He shivered nervously.

"Are you scared?" Kabuto asked.

"I'm not going in there." Sasuke said firmly. "That's final."

"Sweetie," Orochimaru sighed. "Look, they're hardly moving! They won't hurt you." Sasuke moved his fingers away from his right eye and opened it. All the cuddly animals were facing him, their eyes glaring a reddish glow. He covered his eyes again.

The two parents frowned at him. Still holding the leash, they walked away towards the petting zoo ticket booth. All Sasuke heard was, "One ticket, please."

Suddenly, as if from no where, Kabuto grabbed Sasuke from behind, unhooked the vest-leash, and literally threw him into the pit of animals. Sasuke gave a surprised yelp as he hit the ground hard. He looked up. On a small sign in the pen Sasuke read, "Bunny Farm!" At least fifty rabbits sat there, unmoving. Sasuke froze, too afraid to do anything.

One rabbit suddenly moved forward cautiously, making Orochimaru squeal in delight. It stopped at Sasuke's shoe, and sniffed it a little. After a few moments, it suddenly jumped back towards the group who still refused to move. All was silent…

The front-most rabbit suddenly hissed and the bunnies attacked him. Running around the pen with small rabbits clinging from his skin with their teeth, Sasuke screamed in true terror. Never in all his life had he panicked that much because of cuddly animals. The other animals, including goats, lambs, guinea pigs, chickens, ducklings, and a random saber-toothed tiger joined in for the kill. The children in the play pen along with Sasuke screamed and climbed out as fast as they possibly could. Their parents rushed away as well did the workers, but Orochimaru and Kabuto found nothing wrong and cheered on poor Sasuke.

Sasuke was now pinned to the ground as the cute animals did way with him. And oh how he screamed; the entire park was suddenly thrown into even more chaos than it was. Everybody ran to see the boy get mauled by petting zoo animals.

"DAMN YOU, RABBITS FROM HELL!" he screamed, trying to pull them off, but he was sadly outnumbered. The folks around him did everything they could to save him; throwing food at the animals, setting other, more dangerous animals free, and even getting the fire hose on them.

Finally, the animals became bored with their screaming victim and simply walked away. They happily ran to the sides to greet the other, horrified zoo guests.

Bleeding and bruised, Sasuke climbed out the gate to the crowd of people. It was around then when Kabuto and Orochimaru realized there was something wrong. He stumbled towards the crowd, delirious and hurt. He extended his hand to a random person and dramatically moaned, "Help me…"

"Fear not!" came a sudden scream beside Sasuke that made him suddenly alert. "I'm a doctor! I'll save him! He's my son!" Sasuke turned to beg Kabuto to leave him alone, but he saw him grinning and holding up a large rock.

He slammed it into Sasuke's skull, and everything went black again.

………………………………………………………………………………………

Sasuke woke up suddenly, like waking up from a nightmare. Although, he knew it was no nightmare. When he looked down at his body, he saw that he was covered in not bandages, but Rainbow Brite Band-AIDS. He groaned.

"You okay, honey?" It was Orochimaru. Sasuke was lying on the living room couch, and Orochimaru was standing over him. "You look so hurt." There was a moment of silence, and then he grabbed Sasuke into a painful hug and wailed gibberish words that Sasuke could not understand.

"I don't know why those animals did that." Kabuto said from across the room. "Oh, Sasuke!" he pointed at the night table next to him. "The Zoo staff sent you cards!"

Sasuke reached over and found about five cards lying on the table. He picked up a random card that was from "The Register Man." Curiously, he opened it. Inside said,

"_Get well soon…son."_

_-Muhahahahahahaha!_

He dropped it and moaned. Now he really hated that guy.

"Well," Orochimaru said suddenly. "We are not going to that zoo ever again! I'll never take Sasuke there anymore! Poor lil' trooper!"

Sasuke moaned sadly, closed his eyes and fell asleep.

Author's Notes: Not much to say here. Last chapter he gets attacked by children, this chapter by zoo animals.

Curse you, child containment devices! Sasuke is NOT a dog!


	5. Not Just Another Filler

Author's Notes: We allllllllllllllllllllll know Naruto fillers are the freak'n pits

Author's Notes: We allllllllllllllllllllll know Naruto fillers are the freak'n pits. They suck. They go into the storyline and come back with nothing we don't already know. (Example: Naruto goes in a place to find information on Orochimaru, place explodes and the arc ends with him laughing about how his mission failed over a cup of ramen.)

But the very first few episodes actually showed Orochimaru and Kabuto, so because I must stay true to the storyline I have placed what REALLY happened. We saw how Naruto, Sakura, Jiraya, and that red-head girl solved the problem (also ending with an "Oops! The lair exploded! Guess we've failed the mission!"), but now we can see how Orochimaru and Kabuto handled the sitiation. Not only that but we get to see Naruto and the gang. And Sakura bashing, for those 95 fans who hate her. (The other five half-hate her.)

We're gonna take a slight break from Sasuke. He needs it. Its not like its going to be a relaxing break, either.

Also if you actually care about fillers and have never watched these episodes this story spoils them, as if they were good enough to spoil. NOTHING HAPPENS!

Chapter Five: Not Just Another Filler

**(Based on episodes 136-141)**

Orochimaru stood in a dark room with two men standing before him. Orochimaru nodded to the two spies. "They won't get far." He muttered. "How many?"

"Three." The first spy said. "Jiraya-sannin, Naruto, and that pink girl."

"They're getting help from the Fuma clan." The second said, and the first nodded with agreement.

"…The Fuma clan?" Orochimaru said. "Interesting, but not good enough." He signaled them to leave. "We'll be able to stop them easily. They won't get Sasuke. They'll just be wasting their time."

………………………………………………………………………………………

"See the puppy?" Kabuto cooed. "See him?" He held up a book to Sasuke, who was sitting emo-style on the floor.

"Yes." He groaned.

"Now pet him." Kabuto smiled. "Pet the puppy, Sasuke!"

"No."

Kabuto lowered the book. "Wow." He said to Orochimaru. "He sure is an angry boy!"

Orochimaru, who had been acting odd all week, nodded and went back to reading World News Weekly, with a headline that read, "Zombie Hamster Comes back From Grave!" Finally, he looked up.

"Kabuto, honey?" he said. "I need to speak with you, if you don't mind." Kabuto nodded and stood up. They left Sasuke alone in the room.

It had been a month or so since the last episode of tragic suffering, and Sasuke couldn't say the time in between was a blast either. He had grown nearly nine pounds lighter, yet they refused to feed him enough. He ate what he could by stealing it from the kitchen when their backs were turned. He also had started his training. Where you ask?

When Orochimaru and Kabuto were out doing evil guy stuff, Sasuke was left with a sitter. This sitter was quite old, and she watched him often. Everyday, Sasuke would blow up his inflatable clone, draw a picture of himself, or write his name on a toaster oven and leave it in his toys on the floor. Then he would carefully sneak out and go to the only place were the justice system didn't matter: the dreaded Toy Store. Now, you may wonder why Sasuke did this and didn't run away. This was because he knew he wouldn't make it out of the village, if not the country without somebody finding him. Orochimaru had people; he had people ALL over. The only place where he could go was the Toy Store, and believe me, fighting your way through there is quite the workout. Now the entire staff knew him by name, and out of 124 murders that have happened in that store over the year and a half it's been open, Sasuke was lucky enough to witness three, and see what the workers did with the bodies. He even helped bury body number 120. What fun.

Now Orochimaru stepped inside another room with blared, "SOAP-CARVING ROOM, OPEN!" He turned seriously towards Kabuto.

"There are agents coming to take Sasuke away." He whispered. Kabuto gasped as if he couldn't believe that could ever happen.

"I know." Orochimaru whispered back. "But I have a plan. It's long, complicated, but it'll be really cool."

"Like what do you have in mind?" Kabuto asked.

"I was thinking we could make a fake hideout and draw them in. When Jiraya comes, he'll go first and then we'll get out the fake hooker to lure him away. Then the other two will come inside, and run around while they fall constantly into humorous traps and gags. Finally, we'll have you fight Sakura while Naruto falls to his fake death. We'll tell her Sasuke is dead and then she'll get all emotional. Naruto will come and save her, and try to kill you while his Dragon Ball Z moves. While he does that, you'll wrap chakra treads around him, and they'll connect with his heart to yours. Then you'll do a cool move and make your heart come out of your chest and then threaten to crush your heart in your hand, which will also crush his. Sakura will get magic kunai from the Fuma girl and cut the treads. Then we'll switch you with the fake Kabuto guy, who will stab Naruto in the back and it'll be bloody and then Fuma family moments and he'll destroy the hideout and they'll go home with a feeling of doubt and fear and after we do all that, we'll send that guy from episode one to start a whole new filler arch. Simple enough right?"

Kabuto, who was pretending to listen, nodded.

"We better get started on that fake hide-out and the hooker part." Kabuto muttered, and Orochimaru nodded.

………………………………………………………………………………………

"You be good while we're gone, 'kay honey?" Kabuto smiled, holding his suitcase in one hand. Orochimaru wailed and leaped forward to his son, sobbing, "He's gonna be lonely without mommy!"

The sitter was literally sleeping while standing there, but came to when she heard Orochimaru scream.

"Don't worry." She said. "I'll take care of him. He won't get into trouble." Sasuke quickly hid his toaster oven behind his toy box and nodded solemnly.

"Bye, honey…" Orochimaru sobbed as Kabuto attempted to pull him out the door. "I LOVE YOU!" Sasuke and the sitter watched Orochimaru be dragged out the door as he clawed his way back in, but much to his efforts, Kabuto got him out, and slammed the door. After a moment of silence, Sasuke stood up.

"Have fun with Toaster Sasuke." He muttered. "I'm going out for a good, long time."

The aging sitter bent over the toaster oven and cheerfully exclaimed, "My, Sasuke! You've grown since last week!" Sasuke shook his head and walked out the door.

………………………………………………………………………………………

"Well, we're here." Said Kabuto stating the obvious. "Here begins the dread filler arch." Somewhere of in the distance, the two heard screaming Naruto fans cry out in agony.

"Aw well." Orochimaru sighed. "It's a good thing we had a spare hideout." The two faced the abandoned hideout and nodded. Kabuto pulled out a clipboard and checked off "Hideout."

"Next we need the fake hooker for Jiraya." He muttered. "Lindsey! Lindsey Lohan! Come here!" The burned-out looking actress stumbled forward.

"What?" she said angrily.

"You'll be playing the hooker." Orochimaru muttered. "All you have to do is…"

"I DON'T GET PAID ENOUGH!" she suddenly screamed and stormed away.

"Damn." Kabuto sighed. "I guess we'll just use the inflatable."

"Good idea." Orochimaru agreed, and the two went in their hideout to plan some more. Honestly, besides inflating "Chelsea" and enslaving the Fuma guy, it was an extremely easy task. They basically hooked up all the old traps and set up cameras to videotape the entire thing. Then all they needed was a computer to hook up the camera and an internet to post the video to worldwide ninjas. It was A+ material for YouTube.

After about a week, a scout sent a message that the team was coming in a matter of hours, and they began their plans, and made sure every camera had enough batteries, and that the secret room where they watched it all had enough donuts and coffee.

The outside cameras caught the team walking towards the hideout outside. They didn't seem to care about hiding or anything in case of enemy attacks.

"Naruto!" Sakura fumed. "We're lost! You read the map wrong!"

"Hey look!" cried the Fuma girl, who we don't care to name 'cause she's not important enough. "A hideout!"

"Oh." Sakura muttered. She looked at Naruto who was pouting and had his back to her. "What?"

"…You owe me an apology." He muttered angrily. Sakura smacked him hard.

"Don't hit each other, kids!" Jiraya shouted. "Don't make me send the hounds on you."

Naruto sniffed fearfully. "Not Spunky!" he whispered.

"Yes." Jiraya said. "_Behave_! Oh look, Orochimaru's hideout."

"She started it." Naruto muttered. "Oh yeah, and that too."

"Well, I'll do the obvious thing and go in first." Jiraya sighed. "I am the adult here."

"Oh no," Sakura said without much caring and concern in her voice. "You'll get hurt."

"I wonder if there's a vending machine in there." Jiraya thought aloud. "I mean, I'll be fine. Really."

"Bye, sensei!" Naruto called as Jiraya simply walked into the hideout. He turned to the two girls. "I wonder if he's gonna die."

"Just wait for him." Sakura sighed and they sat down.

It may have been a full two minuets until she stood up and screamed, "He's taking too long!"

"I agree!" Naruto shouted, just for the joy of getting to shout. "We should do the obvious thing and go in there disobeying his orders directly."

"Let's do it!" Sakura shouted. By now the Fuma girl did not matter and they left her there alone as they charged into the hideout. Meanwhile, Jiraya was making out with an inflatable hooker.

The next part is something you should just watch yourself. Sakura and Naruto ran into just about every Indiana Jones gag, and even some new, but still retarded ones. This is, however, very funny to Orochimaru and Kabuto, who were laughing their heads off. After Naruto became trapped in one of the traps and Sakura had to go the rest herself, Kabuto stood up and readied himself for his filler debut.

Sakura entered the room looking wimpy as ever. Still, she attempted to look brave and heroic. "Is anybody here?"

"Your mom's here." Kabuto said evilly from the darkness.

"My mother has no face." Sakura said. "Because of this, nobody ever sees her head, and she never has an important role."

_Damn,_ Kabuto thought. _That didn't work_. Finally he decided to attack. He crept from behind her and…BITCH SLAP!

"Ow!" Sakura screamed. "How could you hit a girl!?"

"Cause I'm evil!" he grinned. "I even hit baby seals!"

"You are evil!" she exclaimed.

"I am!" he said grinning. "I'm also a doctor!"

"Me too! Well, sorta…" Sakura shouted. "I'm a doctor-in-training!" She ran forward to attack him. Well, she tried too, but it didn't work. She's a wimp in this first part, remember.

Finally, after Orochimaru began to get EXTREMELY bored, he left his camera room and entered the fight room.

"Excuse me." He said politely. Still, they fought. He tried again.

"Excuse me!" he shouted even louder. Still they did not stop.

"LOOK AT ME!" he bellowed, and the two stopped and looked up. "GAWD, LOOK AT ME WHEM TALKING TO YOU!" he turned to Sakura. "SASUKE'S DEAD!"

Sakura gasped. "No, he couldn't have!" she cried. Suddenly her face became pale, and her eyes sunk in a little. She just stood there, and she wouldn't move.

Kabuto walked up to her and waved in her face. "Hellooooooooo?" he called. "Whatever, I think she died."

"That wasn't in the plan." Orochimaru muttered. "Well, that's a throw-off, huh?

"Sure is." Kabuto agreed. "Aw, wait, she's alive."

"Oh, goody!" Orochimaru giggled. "Well, I'll just leave." No sooner had he turned, however, he heard somebody call out.

"Wait!" It was Sakura, who was tearing up and looking pissed. Orochimaru smiled and looked back.

"Sasuke's dead." He said evilly. Again, Sakura tensed up and froze.

"This is fun!" Kabuto shouted. "Sasuke's dead! Sasuke's dead! Sasuke's dead!" By now, Sakura was practically curled up in a ball on the floor. Orochimaru sneered and left.

"Okay, so, now we'll cue Naruto." Kabuto sighed. He picked up a kunai and hurled it towards Sakura.

"Sakura!" came a sudden scream and a kunai came hurling towards the one Kabuto threw. Naruto dramatically jumped in front of Sakura.

"Sasuke's not dead!" he shouted.

"You were listening to that?" Kabuto asked. "You were here all along and you didn't even step in until now?"

Naruto was silent for a moment. "I thought the 'Sasuke's dead' thing was funny…" he muttered. Sakura flashed him a murderous look.

Okay then… Let's move forward a little, okay? How about the part with the heart? Oh gosh that rhymed.

Kabuto was lying with out his pony tail or his glasses. Basically his dignity (and his Kabuto-ness) was gone completely. He smiled, holding up his heart, which was still attached to his chest.

"EWWWWWWWWWWW!" Sakura screamed. "That's really cool!"

"Your heart and my heart are connected, Naruto." Kabuto grinned.

"Ew, does that mean we're in love?"

"No!" Kabuto shouted. "If I crush my heart, yours will crush as well."

"So we _are _in love." Naruto said.

"We are not in love!" Kabuto screamed. Orochimaru laughed from his sound-proof room.

"Anyways, I'll kill you." He smiled.

"Oh no!" Sakura sighed. "We must save him."

"Take my magic kunai!" Fuma-girl shouted. "It'll cut the chakra threads!"

"I really wish you didn't have that." Sakura moaned.

"Why's that?"

"A chance like this doesn't come often, you know!" She grabbed the kunai, which played the legend of Zelda "Item Obtained" song as she did a twirl and held it up heroically. Running forward, she swept the kunai at the treads. They broke apart, and Naruto and Kabuto fell back from the energy released.

Then Kabuto switched himself with the poor sap that they got to play Kabuto for the rest of the episode arch. He ran off to the sound proof room to get their things so they could leave.

It was around here when Jiraya picked up the deflated hooker which he had popped and angrily shouted, "It's an inflatable!"

Standing off in the distance from the hideout, Orochimaru and Kabuto watched the hideout collapse and happily walked away.

………………………………………………………………………………………

"Hi!" Orochimaru called. "We're home!"

Sasuke and the sitter looked up from the living room. The two entered and dropped their heavy luggage on the floor. After a moment, Orochimaru turned to Sasuke and charged towards him, embracing him and crushing him in a hug of death.

"I missed you!" he cried. "Mommy missed his boy! Were you scared? How did you feel? TELL ME ALLLLLLLLL ABOUT IT!"

"He was a good boy." The sitter said suddenly, making Orochimaru remember that she was there. "He was very quiet. I don't think he enjoyed you leaving."

Orochimaru turned back to Sasuke, who was still trapped in the deadly embrace, looking heartbroken and upset.

"I'm soooooooooo sorry!" he sobbed. "I didn't mean to! I had to go!"

Kabuto shooed the sitter out of the house before he shoved a wad of cash in her wrinkled-up hand. Then he slammed the door in her face without so much as a thanks.

"If it bothered you so much," Orochimaru said heroically. "Then I'll never leave your side! Ever!"

"We can't promise him that." Kabuto sighed. He pried Sasuke away from Orochimaru and turned to him.

"Maybe you should go to bed now, okay?" he said. "You've had a long week."

Sasuke sighed and stood up, leaving. It had been a hard week, all right. That store ran out of PS3's, and those kids sure did riot.

Author's Notes: It's an inflatable!? Your mom has no face!

I actually have some of my favorite quotes from this chapter.


	6. Hide and Go Escape

Chapter 6: Hide-and-Go Escape

Author's Notes: Today we find Sasuke in a desperate attempt to free himself of this horrible ordeal. But we all know the story is intended to be 20 chapters long.

So we all know it's gonna fail. How it does is the question.

Chapter 6: Hide-and-Go Escape

Sasuke was stretched out on the floor of his room, starring at the ceiling silently. Nothing in his life made sense anymore; it was even more un-meaningful than it had been before. His stomach was almost always rumbling, and he was smaller and skinnier than he had been before he arrived. He spent all his time sleeping and thinking of plans to escape.

As much as the idea of escape went through his mind, it was not possible, and he didn't even try any of his many schemes. Orochimaru had agents at all the borders. Even if he passed the village border, he'd be caught by the time he hit the _country_ border. But it had been at least four months since he arrived, and by now, he was willing to try anything.

Orochimaru popped his head into the doorway. "Honey!" he cried. "Get up! Naptime ended…three hours ago…"

Sasuke sat up and turned to the wall, saying nothing.

"Honey." Orochimaru began. "Get up and come play. You're already overweight enough. You need exercise." He grabbed Sasuke's arm and dragged him out the door.

"Come on." He said cheerfully. "Why don't we find a game to play? Your choice."

Sasuke continued to give his "mother" the silence treatment. However, the words "your choice" suddenly gave him an idea.

"Sure," he said quietly. "I have a game I want to play." Orochimaru looked as though Sasuke was covered in sugar and dressed in a scuba-diver's suit. This means he was happy.

They entered the typical story setting of the living room, where Kabuto was happily playing with a Rip 'Em out Surgery Doll Game. "Oh, hey!" he called. "What're 'ya doin'?"

"Sasuke wants to play a game, honey." Orochimaru said excitedly.

"Sasuke wants to play a game!?" Kabuto shouted. "Oh. My. GOD! Sasuke never wants to play games!" And then they danced. Confetti feel from the sky as strobe lights went off and "Boogie Wonderland" played instantly in the entire hideout, and could be heard for miles away.

After about twenty minutes or so, they realized Sasuke was still there and stopped, but still looked jittery and excited.

"Sasuke actually wants to play a game!?" Kabuto gasped. He suddenly stopped bouncing. "Are you ill, son?!"

Probably, Sasuke thought but grinned and said, "No, I just want to play a game with my two dear parents, that's all."

"Wow." Orochimaru whispered.

"So what do you want to play?" Kabuto asked. By now, the two were inches away from Sasuke's face, eager to find out Sasuke's merriment.

"Hide-and-go-Seek." He smiled.

"Well," Orochimaru exclaimed. "That's a perfect game!"

"I'll say!" Kabuto agreed, and the two began bouncing joyfully again.

"I want mommy to be 'it'" Sasuke said. "You have to count to one thousand; SLOWLY."

"Oh boy!" Orochimaru giggled. "I'm 'It'! I always wanted to be that!" He stopped and looked at them. "Now go hide, you two! I'm gonna count! Ooooone…twoooo…"

The two sprang to life and leaped out of the room. Kabuto ran off to hide in where else but his surgeon room. He poked his head out to Sasuke.

"Go get a good spot, son! Go hide!" and then he shut the door and was silent. Now was his chance…

Sasuke sprinted up the hallways and stairs faster than he ever ran before. He had never been as nervous as that before in his life, except for the Itachi incident, but this was different. Finally, he found the door leading to freedom. He had escaped numerous times, and because of this, he knew the code to unhook the security demon who shouted out which doors were open. Curse you, Pam…

Quickly, he dialed, "Snakes Rock" as the password, opened the door, and dashed out into the outside world.

………………………………………………………………………………………

"Nine-hundred ninety nine…one thousand! Ready or not, here I come!" Orochimaru uncovered his eyes and stood up. "Hm. I wonder where they are." He quickly got himself out of the living room and walked back into the hallway. After briefly scanning his surroundings, he walked towards Kabuto's Surgeon Room and opened it. Kabuto was in the corner playing with a turkey baser.

"I found you, sweetie." He sighed. "Is Sasuke with you?"

"He ran off to hide somewhere else." Kabuto said looking up.

"Okay then." Orochimaru said. "Then help me find him. Which way did he go?"

"I don't really remember." Kabuto said, thinking super hard. "Let's try over here." The two nodded and ran down the hallway.

………………………………………………………………………………………

Sasuke finally slowed to a stop in the parking lot of the Toy Store. Panting and exhausted, he bent over a little to calm himself down. He had just run about a mile to the Toy Store parking lot, the only place he believed in his mind was safe.

Just as he began to think that he had almost gotten away, he suddenly felt to hands grab his shoulders and jerk him around. Sasuke closed his eyes and shouted, "I'M NOT THREE YEARS OLD!"

He stopped, his eyes still closed. The person was still, still clawing at Sasuke's shoulders. He felt annoying hot breath in his face. Curiously, he opened his eyes. Standing in front of him was a man; his faces an inch away from Sasuke's. Sasuke was quiet, and simply stared at him, but after a moment of this awkward position, Sasuke tried to push him away.

"Can I…help you?" he muttered nervously. The man was still clinging to his shoulders, but suddenly his eyes widened and he "death-gripped" Sasuke's boney shoulders.

"THE ANTICHRIST IS COMING!" He screamed, Sasuke trying to step back from his painfully loud voice. After a moment of screaming and chanting and more screaming, he calmed himself down and smiled.

"Hello, sir." He smiled. "Do you have any money to spare for the homeless?" Sasuke looked down to see him dressed in a worn coat and gloves without the fingers. He had startled Sasuke so much, he had failed to notice.

"I'm sorry," Sasuke said, trying to pass him. "But I'm in a hurry. Please move."

The man stopped him. "I know you people…" he said and suddenly fell to his knees. "SATAN! KILL SATAN!"

"Shhhhhh!" Sasuke hissed. "Stop screaming!" The man looked up at Sasuke and smiled.

"Look." Sasuke sighed. "I'm running away from two lunatics, and I need to get out of here." He stuck his hand into his pocket and pulled out a quarter and two nickels. "Here, enjoy."

The man looked as if he could cry and took the money from Sasuke's hand. He looked up, lost for words. Finally, he flung himself into a hug, kind of like Orochimaru's hugs. In fact, too much like Orochimaru's hugs.

Sasuke shoved him away. "You can't fool me, Orochimaru!" Sasuke foamed. "I will never go back! Never!" And with that, he ran away, leaving the Anti-Christ Hobo to cry happily on his loose change.

………………………………………………………………………………………

"I can't find him." Orochimaru groaned. "Sasuke's a good hider."

"Did you check the freezer?' Kabuto asked, opening the dish washer and scanning it carefully.

"Yeah…" Orochimaru sighed. "And I checked his room, the bathrooms, and all the Saber-toothed Tiger cages." He turned around. "Sasuke, sweetie! Come out, we wanna play a new game now!"

The lair was silent. Kabuto looked around. "I think he really likes this game."

"Fine." Orochimaru called. "We'll find you. But just help us on it!" Still all was silent.

"He sure takes hide-and-go seek seriously, huh?" Kabuto sighed. "Well, if I were Sasuke where would I hide…" Suddenly, they realized it.

"He's in a food pantry… cause he's fat!" they said automatically. Surprised by their ingenious intellect, they ran off to find one of their fifty pantry rooms.

………………………………………………………………………………………

Sasuke was so close to the edge of the village, but as he knew, it wasn't that easy to do. Sasuke had developed into a paranoid state and was now thinking he'd rather travel through the underground sewers rather than to be surrounded by _SOUND VILLAGE PEOPLE_!

(Now, you may ask why he's in the Sound Village. None of Orochimaru's lairs are even close to the village. Our only response is "_Who gives a crap_.")

Sasuke also began to notice the sniffling hobo seemed to be stalking him. The only reason he knew this was because he heard sobs in the allies and the occasional whispers; "Beware the Antichrist…" and "Thank-you for the thirty-five cents…" All this added onto his fear and slowly slipped Sasuke into his mental breaking point.

Silently, he crossed a street to avoid the Sound-nin on the other side, who was reading a newspaper. And he was blind. And deaf. But Sasuke continued to avoid anybody who looked Sound-ninnish!

All seemed to be going well until he heard a voice behind him. "Son, I think you dropped this wallet…" Sasuke didn't dare to turn around.

"I wasn't carrying a wallet." He said, walking fast and shielding his face.

"Is there something wrong, son?"

_Son_. That was twice that he had called him that. Sasuke stopped walking and stared at the ground. So they are following me! He thought angrily. First the hobo, and now this!

Furiously, Sasuke spun around and punched the man cleanly in the gut. His knees shook then gave out weakly. He gave a small choking sound and hit the ground. He clearly was a Sound-nin.

"You'll never get me!" he cried. "I'll never go back! NEVER!" Sasuke took off, leaving the ninja on the ground. The Sound-nin looked up and saw Sasuke run off.

His ninja buddies ran from no particular place to help him up.

"What happened?" One guy asked, heaving the man to his feet.

"Hey, lemme' see that guide book." The fallen ninja said, ignoring the first question. Another ninja pulled a small, thin, yellow book out of his backpack and handed it to the man. He took it and flipped silently through the pages. Suddenly, he stopped.

"This kid tried to avoid me." He said and flipped the book around to show his friends. "He's Orochimaru's son, Sasuke. He must've run away."

The three ninjas "ohhhhed" and "ahhhed" over the picture, then nodded to say they clearly understood.

"We must retrieve him for Orochimaru-sama!" one nin shouted. The four cheered and raced after him.

………………………………………………………………………………………

"I can't find him!" Kabuto groaned. "He's so good at hiding! He's the best hider in the world."

"That's our boy!" Orochimaru giggled. "Still…I wish he'd help us on this." He picked up an empty vase and looked inside.

"He _is_ a prodigy." Kabuto muttered. "Maybe he's testing his intellect with this game and is counting down the time it takes to find him. Damn, our boy's good!"

"He's the best!" Orochimaru giggled. "We won't fail him! We'll look for him and never stop till he's found!" They cheered happily, then suddenly stopped.

"Where else could he be…?" Kabuto murmured. "We've looked everywhere!"

Suddenly, from about fifty stories above, they heard the doorbell ring.

"Quick!" Orochimaru shouted. "Someone's at the door!"

"Get to the emergency elevator hidden in the wall!" Kabuto shouted just as loud as his wife's voice. The two jolted towards the wall. Kabuto pulled out his super duper Kabuto button from the wall and pressed it. The two stepped in an elevator that seemed to appear on the wall, looking super cool.

And so, they waited as the elevator music played quietly. The two stood there silently, occasionally shuffling their feet or sighing really loudly.

Finally, the door opened and they ran for the door two feet away from the elevator entrance. The doors closed with a swish sound and a face appeared on the door, which smiled and disappeared into the wall. Having been spurred in the moment they dramatically unlocked the door and swung it open.

"Hello, how may I help you?" Orochimaru said in his usual sugar-coated voice. Four ninjas stood with Sasuke. The front-most one shoved him forward.

"Is this your son, Orochimaru?" One asked. The two parents froze.

"Sasuke!" Kabuto cried. "What happened?!"

"We found him in the village." Another said, this one being the man Sasuke punched. "He was running around…"

Orochimaru suddenly cut him off and cried out in delight. "You're so smart!" he cried, hugging his confused son. "You were so smart, you hid outside so we'd be confused! You're my smart son! Who could have asked for anyone better!?"

"Thanks for bringing our son home." Kabuto smiled, and then slammed the door in the four bewildered ninja's faces.

The three stood inside for a long time; Orochimaru hugging Sasuke tightly as Sasuke blinked in confusion, and Kabuto merely stood off in the corner, smiling. And then after a while of this, just to add to Sasuke's humiliation and suffering, he realized he had been wearing his pink footie pajamas _all day_.

Author's Notes: PAM, the security system in the mansion that talks when doors open is based off my friend's house. SHE has Pam. Pam shouts at me when I come through her door. Pam frightens me every time. Pam makes me scream rather loudly. We named Pam because the security system sound like a woman who sounds like a "Pam" kinda person.

One time I opened the door while the high security level was on and Pam started beeping and calling the police on me. We had to rewire her.

Pam needs to die.

So does footie pajamas.


	7. Sasuke's Birthday

Author's Notes: Today we see how horrible your fourth birthday can really be

Author's Notes: Today we see how horrible your fourth birthday can really be. Especially when you're really twelve. And emo. And an emofag. You're just messed up.

Chapter Seven: Sasuke's Birthday

"Happy birthday!" Orochimaru cried as they stepped out of the car and onto the park parking lot.

"It's not my birthday." Sasuke said quietly. "My birthday is July twenty-three..." his parents burst out laughing.

"Yeah, suuuuuuuuure…" Kabuto sneered. "What a kid. So imaginative!" Sasuke frowned. (More than he had been.)

About a hundred feet away in a busy park was about three full picnic tables loaded with familiar faces and balloons with Happy Birthday streamers. Sasuke refused to move. He recognized some of them, meaning they'd know him, and for Sasuke, having his fourth birthday one month away from his thirteenth birthday was about the most embarrassing thing in the world. Finally, after Orochimaru tugged at his arm to move, he walked forward.

The guests all turned towards Sasuke, although none of them looked happy to see him. In fact, they mostly looked confused as to why they had been summoned to a birthday party. Orochimaru and Kabuto smiled cheerily and waved. Sasuke slowly walked off to the nearest seat.

As Kabuto began his, "Thank-you for coming" speech, Sasuke sat down between Kimimaru and Dosu.

"Back from the dead, I see." Sasuke said in his most casual voice.

"Back to early childhood, I see." Dosu mocked, but solemnly nodded.

"Why are you having your fourth birthday again?" Kimimaru asked, confused.

"I've been adopted." Sasuke groaned. Across the table, Sakon and Ukon forced themselves not to laugh. Suddenly, Sasuke sat up.

"Kimimaru, weren't you suppose to be 'chosen' before me?" he asked.

Kimimaru shrugged. "I'm dead." He said simply.

"Right…" Sasuke muttered and slouched back down.

Kabuto had finished his speech and he and Orochimaru were taking their seats next to a barbeque. Kabuto caught Sasuke's stare, but replied with an excited grin and two thumbs up. Sasuke pulled out a random book and buried his nose in it.

The rest of his deceased guests seemed to leave him alone, and they refused to talk with him, considering his awfully scary looking glare that seemed to literally burn into the pages. For a while, the silence and solitude felt great and refreshing, until he felt something hard slam into the back of his head. Dazed, he flipped off his seat and landed in the grass. Furiously, he flipped over to see a football lying in the grass and Kabuto waving at him.

"Get the ball!" he squealed. "Get the ball, son!"

"I want to read!" Sasuke hissed. The guests backed away slightly, but Kabuto only stepped forward.

"It's your birthday, so don't be a lump, son!" and he pinched Sasuke's adorable school-girlish cheeks. Sasuke didn't like that at all, but instead, stood up with his book and walked over to sit next to Yondaime. (Hey, if all his other guests are dead, he gets to be there, along with every other dead character, whether they like Orochimaru or not.)

"Oh Sasuke, sweetie!" Orochimaru called from behind. "I forgot something!" He jumped excitedly beside him, which told Sasuke this was a bad thing. Quietly, he waited for his "mother" to speak.

"I bought this a week ago, but I forgot it in the car!" he giggled. "Silly, silly me! But I remembered, so I got it and now I'll give it to you because I remembered to get it so you can have it because I remembered to get it for you!" He stopped bouncing and smiled even wider. Sasuke blinked.

"And what could it be?" he mumbled, flipping a page. Suddenly, he felt something pull over his eyes blocking out all light. Blindly, he waved his arms out to grab something, and then reach up to take the thing off his head.

"What is it, a kidnapping bag?" he grumbled and held it out for him to see it. At first he had no idea what it was. Then he knew as he turned it. It was a small, rubber, gold crown bought from a Dollar Store. It had rhinestones along the rim and in glittery words said, "Birthday Boy!" on the front. Sasuke nearly dropped it in surprise.

"And you have to wear it all day!" Orochimaru cried. "Isn't that swell?!"

"What makes you think I'll wear it ALL day!?" Sasuke shouted, waving it in Orochimaru's face. Silently, he took it from him and turned around. After a moment, he turned back to Sasuke, the crown seemingly unchanged. Quietly, he placed it back on Sasuke's head.

"Nice try, but I'm not gonna wear it, no matter what you do to it!" Sasuke laughed, and went to take it off. However, it did not come off. After a moment of struggling, Sasuke noticed Orochimaru was grinning proudly.

"What did you do to it?!" he screamed. Orochimaru let out a giggle and held out a small spray bottle.

"Adhesive Spray!" he giggled. "I sprayed the forehead side with adhesive spray!" Sasuke's jaw dropped.

"You what!?" He said quietly, a shocked look on his face.

"It's not on the hair side, kiddo. You're hair won't get ruined!" That wasn't the point. Hats give hat hair. THE CROWN WAS MESSING UP HIS BEAUTIFUL HAIR! Not only that, but the guest had seen, and chuckles and giggles waved throughout the park. Even from people who didn't even know him.

Silently, Sasuke slipped into a fettle position of despair as his sweet mother walked away satisfied. Sasuke's great grandfather walked past and said, "Don't lose hope." But what did all these dead people care.

They're dead!

After slipping into a temporary coma and getting the rest and sleep he rightfully needed, Sasuke awoke to the guests pacing around the park.

"Where is our boy!?" Kabuto sobbed. "I haven't seen him in _twelve_ minutes!"

"He's gonna miss his presents!" one guest exclaimed.

"He's right here, under this picnic table." Jirobo said pointing at the half-asleep Sasuke climbing out of the table.

"Son!" Kabuto shouted and flung his arms around his boy. "I missed you!"

"Sasuke, its present time!" Orochimaru smiled. "Come on, let's see what you got!"

Kabuto then attempted to lift Sasuke and carry him there; however this time, since Sasuke was almost 20 pounds lighter than he arrived, was actually able to lift him up. He did, however, put him down after Sasuke threatened to break his prized Petri dishes. The walked towards a larger table and sat on the grass with a pile of presents next to him.

"Open mine first." Kabuto smiled. "You won't be sorry!" He handed Sasuke a box covered in wrapping paper with stethoscopes on the sides. Quietly, Sasuke opened the package without ripping the paper. The guest waited impatiently as he opened it as neat as possible.

Finally, after a moment, Kabuto ripped it out of Sasuke's hands and tore the paper violently off the box.

"Rip it like a man, son." Kabuto said, frustrated and angry with a hint of manliness. "Not like a _girl_!" he smiled and handed it back to his boy.

It was indeed what Sasuke figured; a play doctor kit with a doll called _Coughing Cassie._

"You shouldn't have." Sasuke sighed and tossed it aside. Kabuto grinned and boasted, "He loves it!"

Next was Orochimaru's present, which turned out to be a pet snake named Robert. The snake had been kept in an airtight box, but now with the paper was removed it seemed to start moving again, indicating that it was not dead. The other box contained a shirt with Lightning McQueen on it saying, "Go, racers, GO!"

Next Sasuke opened a present from Dosu, who gave him a PlayDoh set. He slipped Sasuke a sheet of paper along with it with instructions on how to make a machine gun out of the materials in the set. Nodding, Sasuke tucked it into his pocket. Dosu's teammates got him more mocking presents, such as Kin's toy train and Zaku's stuffed teddy bear. Angrily, he mouthed the words, "I will kill you." which they mouthed back, "We're already dead!"

The Sound Four got him a puzzle and a pirate costume with plastic sword and eye patch. On the box warned "Do not cross streets with eye patch." Sasuke tucked the eye patch in his pocket as well in hope that he'd find a busy street somewhere.

The Hokage's even bought him gifts. The first got him a (of course) PLANT GROWING KIT! The second got him BOTTLED WATER! The third got him A STUFFED MONKEY NAMED MONKEY! (This is Sarotobi's nickname given to him by the First and Second) And of course, Yondaime got him hair gel, which was much needed in this situation. CAPITAL LETTERS!

After all the presents were opened and thrown aside, the guest suddenly became still, and stared at Sasuke closely. Confused, he scratched the back of his neck. Their eyes followed his hand and the "ohhhed" when he put his hand back down. One person from the back whispered.

"Is he really acting like a prodigy?"

"Are you kidding!" someone other than his parents whispered back. "He's acting like _ten_ prodigies!" They observed him closer.

And so, after that pointless moment had come to pass, they guest all got up and walked to separate picnic tables. After being seated, they picked up forks and knives and violently screamed, "CAKE OR RIOT!"

"I guess they want their cake!" Orochimaru giggled. "I'll get it! I made it myself!" Sasuke fell back in shock. Orochimaru made it? He was a terrible cook! The only thing Sasuke knew he could successfully cook were pancakes, which he did not make often because to him they were "the sacred breakfast food."

However, the unsuspecting guest had not yet tasted his cooking and stared at the cake with immense hunger. They even seemed to be praying to it. I mean, hey, they're dead.

They haven't eaten in a while.

It was even scarier to see Orochimaru with a cutting knife, a sight that made Sasuke back away in terror. The guests all eyed the dessert of horror. Finally, Orochimaru shoved Sasuke forward.

"Make a wish!" he said. It was kinda like a nightmare; Orochimaru holding a knife and shoving you towards a cake flaming with pink candles. Sasuke twitched and blew the candles out quickly, then duck away.

To make it even scarier, Orochimaru scooped a piece and handed it to Sasuke.

"Birthday boy gets the first piece!" He cried. "He also has to eat the first bite! Birthday rule!"

Trembling, Sasuke took the place from his mother. The guest leaned over to see Sasuke eat the first bite. The _very_ first bite.

In order to keep his spleen where it was, Sasuke pretended to take a bite by turning his head and pasting the fork by his cheek. The piece of cake was flung over his shoulder and landed somewhere in the grass. He nodded to the guests who all looked back at Orochimaru with lust for that cake.

After the pieces were all distributed to everyone, they simultaneously took a bite with excited looks on their faces. However, once the taste of it reached their tongues their faces twisted into looks of horror, shock and of course disgust. Twitching violently, all of them slumped headfirst into their plates. After a brief moment, they stopped moving. Sasuke's dead guests were dead again.

Upon seeing the guests had all died, Orochimaru cringed and signaled Kabuto. Kabuto came running up with trash bags and began stuffing them with the bodies. After all of them had been "bagged" Kabuto nodded and ran to the random lake to dump them.

"Well," Orochimaru signed, looking slightly surprised that his guests had died but still like he had expected it to happen at least sometime in the day. "You sure had a great birthday, huh?"

"It was kinda like Konoha's Sports Festival, too." Kabuto said walking over to them, his wet appearance indicating that he had fallen into the lake. "So many dead characters…"

"Did you like your presents?"

"No."

"How about the cake."

"No."

"The guests?"

"No."

"The crown? You have to have liked that!"

How could he forget the crown? "No."

The three stood there in silence for a while. After they were done…_thinking?_ they packed up the decorations and fit them back into the Kabuto-mobile and drove off.

As they drove away, Sasuke turned out the window to see rotted arms waving to him from under the lake water.

Author's Notes: …there isn't much to say about this one. I figured at this point the only people who'd come to your birthday after you've pissed off everyone in the world ('cept your adoptive parents…) is that they'd have to be dead.

Can YOU figure out how to make a machine gun out of Play-Doh? That's your homework. GET TO IT.


	8. Kindergarten

Chapter Eight: Kindergarten

Author's Notes: This is an IMPORTANT chapter as it will be the start of Sasuke's elementary days. There are a few things most odd about this one, but I just want you to know I don't really understand it either, and I wrote it. I'll explain the big question in the bottom notes.

Sasuke is now whisked away to school for the second time in his life. However, some of the students seem PRETTY strange.

Chapter Eight: Kindergarten

"My boy is growing up!" Orochimaru sobbed, embracing his jaws-of-life-hug around his tired son. "It seems like it was just two months ago he was celebrating his fourth birthday."

In fact, it had been two months ago on a hot day in June Sasuke had his "birthday", and now his family seemed to think they had forgotten Sasuke's fifth and was now sending him to kindergarten. The main problem was that Sasuke was thirteen now, and he had already been in kindergarten. In ninja school, kids go to kindergarten to learn basic things like alphabet, poisons, colors, people's pressure points, numbers, how to make a bomb tag… then you went to normal ninja academy were you did basically all you learned to do in kindergarten.

Kabuto, who had come in from feeding Sasuke's new pet snake Robert from the living room, handed him his Captain Planet lunch box.

"Your bus'll be here soon, son." Kabuto signed. "Honey, don't cry. It happens to every child at one time."

"But what if he doesn't like it!?" Orochimaru sobbed. "What if he misses me and gets scared?! What if the kids tease him because of his weight?! What if he can't make any friends?!"

"He'll be fine…"

"Does this mean I'm old!?" Orochimaru screamed suddenly. He seemed to forget that he was fifty-one years old. Kabuto quickly told him he was not old and he looked fine. That calmed him down only slightly, but he still ranted about how Sasuke would be unhappy in school. In fact, a reason to be away from his family sounded enjoyable to Sasuke, but he'd rather do it somewhere else. Sasuke had already graduated from school. He didn't want to learn anymore.

Kabuto left Orochimaru to cry alone and took Sasuke upstairs to the first level. He opened the door and stood outside with him. He seemed to not want to say anything, but suddenly he said, "You know, now that you're going to school, you're a man now." Sasuke's eyebrow rose as he looked at him. He didn't quite understand, but the bus was already coming so he didn't question.

The bus was basically driving in the middle of the forest. The hut had no paths or roads, so they bus swerved and slid across the forest floor. The yellow bus stopped before them and swished its door open.

"Have a swell day, son!" Kabuto called as Sasuke boarded the bus. The children looked both extremely excited and extremely nervous to be there and by seeing Sasuke board, they began shaking more in fear.

Sasuke sat next to a boy named Chris who upon seeing Sasuke put his folder in front of his face and turned away. The girls on the bus blushed at him with those little hearts in their eyes.

It seemed that Sasuke was the last stop, because the bus drove off and didn't pull in until they reached a large building with children lined in front. It looked a lot like the ninja academy, except this school actually had a kindergarten building…not like in Konoha…

"_Attention, future failures!" the chuunin teacher called to the other students. They looked up with their elbows on their desks. Only, they weren't desks. The city of Konoha had spent so much money on the actual academy that they forgot to build a kindergarten building. The kindergarteners could not be in the same building with the other older students because of bulling issues. And when ninja children bully others, usually the weaker child dies. And once a student left kindergarten, they developed a huge dislike for kindergarteners. In fact, they develop a terrible, bloodthirsty craving for their flesh. So they always had to be separated. However, because of the builder's laziness, and the fact that the kids needed their education, they found an old trailer in a dump and made old crates and barrels into desks. The books were also found in a creepy library and no two books contained the same text, or content, or even subject for that matter._

_Sasuke had just started school, and of course was very nervous, but smiled shyly and nodded to his fellow students. The teacher shooed him to his desk next to a drool pink-haired girl who seemed to have blacked out on her desk when Sasuke walked towards her. With a confident smile, and a long speech about trying your best in his head, he sat down on his rusty tire and sat ready for class._

_And then he fell through his desk into another dimension and was never seen again._

Sasuke stepped off and went to go stand in line with his other students. Teachers were standing around pinning numbers on their shirts as they approached. One with an annoying smile skipped over to Sasuke and pinned a nametag and number pin. He looked at it, which was a big "7" on the front and walked towards the number seven line.

The other students cowered in fear at him. He was bigger than them and carrying a Captain Planet lunch box that said, "Together, we'll save the rain forest!" And every child knows, big kids with Captain Planet lunch boxes are big trouble. Also, the mean scowl on his face almost made them cry. This only worked for a couple of students, and the others (which were all little girls) followed him with dreamy looks on their faces.

After they all were in line and ready, the teachers signaled them to follow and they entered the large building. The walls were rainbow colored and the cubbies had polka dots stamped over the surface. Posters of smiling sunflowers encouraging you to behave decorated the walls as well, all while they walked on colorful tile floors.

Sasuke also noticed the ceilings were unusually low. There were but seven inches of space between his head and the ceiling, which made him feel cramped and enclosed.

The class stopped at a door near the water fountain. The teacher pulled out a ring of keys and unlocked it.

"Welcome, boys and girls, to the first day of school!" She dramatically opened the door revealing a green room with extremely low tables and chairs, bean bags, books with only twelve pages, and of course, a dress-up area with clothes too big for the five-year-olds but ten times too small for Sasuke.

"Sit in a circle on the Reading Rug!" the teacher sang so happily the windows cracked. Sasuke squeezed between two kids who trembled in fear of him. The teacher walked towards a yellow chair and sat down.

"Hiya!" she giggled in a voice that made Sasuke shiver. "I'm Mrs. Sunspot! How are you today!?"

"Good!" the children shouted as loud as they possibly could. Mrs. Sunspot gave out an excited giggle. "Very good!"

She flipped through a clipboard seated beside her chair. "Goodness!" she exclaimed. "Ten students! What a big class I have! Well then, let's introduce ourselves, shall we?" She pointed to a girl to her left.

The girl stood and smiled. "My name is Kioko!" she said happily. "I have a dog, and a parrot. And I like to jump rope…and…and… I can shove my fist in my mouth…and…and…and…"

"Are you done?" Mrs. Sunspot asked, her smile never moving as if she had just had plastic surgery. The girl nodded and sat down.

By now, Sasuke was ignoring the other students and slipping into deep thought. Suddenly, something snapped him out of his trance.

Mrs. Sunspot had been through four other students and was not pointing to another child two humans away from Sasuke. Instead of just one person getting up, another girl stood up with her.

"We're best friends!" they giggled.

"No, no, no!" Mrs. Sunspot said. "One at a time! And give use your name!"

The girl she had pointed to looked up. "I'm Sakura Haruno!"

"And I'm Ino Yamanaka!"

Sasuke did a double take. They looked exactly like his two biggest fans when they had been in kindergarten together. The similarities were too exact, too similar. It wasn't possible. His jaw dropped as they glanced at him and giggles shyly. Just like they used to do in school…

Sasuke had been so shocked he'd missed the entire speech they made about their favorite colors and the teacher was onward to the boy who sat next to him.

"Your turn." She said, but he nervously shook his head. Shrugging, she looked at Sasuke.

"Your turn." She said. The girls in the class ass sighed and waited for him to speak so they could etch his name into their thoughts forever.

"I'm Sasuke…Uchiha…I think." He stopped and looked at them. He had forgotten he had a fear of small children. "And I don't think I'm supposed to be here."

"Why's that, sweetie?" Mrs. Sunspot asked.

"I'm not five!" he blurted. "I mean, look at me! I'm thirteen! I graduated from the academy almost two years ago!"

The class just laughed at him.

"Sasuke, do you have any pets?" Mrs. Sunspot asked.

"I used to have a pet dog named Rosie and now I have a pet snake named Robert." Sasuke didn't quite understand what they were asking.

"How about your favorite color."

"I like…black?

"Do you have goals or dreams in your life?"

"Yeah, I'm gonna kill…"

"Splendid!" Mrs. Sunspot interrupted him and making him jump in shock by her loud voice. "Who's next?

"I heard that if you eat a bug, you grow wings." Said a pale faced boy who randomly walked up to Sasuke at recess. After being satisfied with telling his news, he walked off without saying a word. Sasuke stared at him then looked back to the other kids.

The girls had already made the Sasuke Fan Club, something that back in Konoha took seven hours instead of the four they took. They sat on the swings and commented on his nice hair. Sasuke was the only one not on the playground. He was seated next to Mrs. Sunspot, who looked almost robotic.

The two girls, Sakura and Ino, bothered him greatly. Before going to lunch Sasuke stopped them in the hall.

"What are you doing here?" he said. The two giggled.

"Learning, silly!" the replied.

"Are you, or are you not from Konoha?" Sasuke asked.

"I don't get it." Sakura said.

"I'm from Otogakure!" Ino said grinning.

After a long interigation, Sasuke let them go, but still they didn't seem right to him. He decided to keep a close watch on them.

"Why aren't you playing?!" Mrs. Sunspot asked Sasuke. "Excersise, excersise!"

"I havn't eaten a good meal in at least six monthes." Sasuke said. "I need to calm down so my underworked digestive system doesn't collapse."

"Fun, fun, fun!" Mrs. Sunspot smiled and looked away.

"Yeah." Sasuke mummbled. "Fun, fun, fun…"

………………………………………………………………………………………

"We only have an hour left of school." Mrs. Sunspot giggled, holding a stack of papers. "but I need you guys to do a quickie twenty-question test. To see how smart you are!" She walked around and passed them out.

Sasuke, who's knees went higher than the table, grabbed a paper and crayon.

"You can look at them now and start!" Mrs. Sunspot said happily. The students turned the papers over and looked at them The questions almost made Sasuke's teeth hurt.

1. How many points are on a five-pointed shurikin?

A. One

B. Five

C. Eleven

D. Zero

2. How do you use a shurikin?

A. Eat it.

B. Wave it in the air hoping it does something magical.

C. Bake it in an oven.

D. Throw it.

This went on all the way to the last problem:

20. When being sneaky you must:

A. Be quiet.

B. Make lots of noise to scare enemies away.

C. Jump out and break things.

D. Hum in the bushes.

Sasuke finished his test in a mere two seconds.

After everyone had finished, Mrs. Sunspot came around and collected the tests. Some children were looking scared, but she said happily, "Don't worry if you did bad. We know they were hard questions, weren't they!" The students nodded.

"Oh!" she cried suddenly. "Goodness gratious, look at that clock! It's time to go! Get in line, people, get in line!"

Sasuke sighed. This meant he had to go home back to his family. He shugged and stood up to line up with the rest.

………………………………………………………………………………………

"Kabuto!" Orochimaru shouted. "Sasuke's school just called! I'm on the phone with them now!"

Kabuto's jaw dropped. "Son, don't tell me you have _already_ destroyed the family name!?" Sasuke glared at him.

Orochimaru was talking in the other room, and only Kabuto seemed to care about what was going. Suddenly, they heard the sound of the phone slamming down hard.

"Honey! Honey!" he screamed. "Sasuke had a test today!"

"Yeah, and?" Kabuto jumpped to his feet.

"He did so well…" Orochimaru paused a moment. "…they want him to advance to the first grade!"

Sasuke sat down in slightly larger chairs than there were in the kindergarten building. The kids here seemed to tremble in fear of him as well, and the girls all swooned in his presence. And speaking of girls…

"Hi Sasuke!" came a small voice beside him. He turned to the kid seated next to him, which was none other than Ino and Sakura.

"Sakura! Ino!" Sasuke stuttered. "Wha-what are you doing here?!"

"I passed the exam, too. With extra credit!" Sakura looke please.

"There were no extra credit questions…" Sasuke began.

The two looked at Ino, who simply smiled and said, "I cheated!"

Author's Notes: **THOSE ARE NOT REALLY SAKURA AND INO**. There, I said it. They're…well the best way I can explain it is freak accidents with clones. They aren't scientific clones, no, but they are…clones. Do you get what I'm saying? It's the Sound Village version of Sakura and Ino. They have their own pair of them. And they're younger than the real Sakura and Ino. Get it? Do you? I don't think you do.

They are, however, important characters in the future. VERY important.

Can you finish the kindergarten test? It's hard. I actually made a whole paper with questions. It was CRAZY hard.


	9. Most Magical Place on Earth

Author's Notes: NOT my favorite chapter

Author's Notes: NOT my favorite chapter. It's mostly small drabbles on my ideas about what Sasuke would do if he went to Disney World. Whatever…I don't care about this one that much but it was a chapter so it's here.

Chapter Nine: Most Magical Place on Earth (Drabble Chapter)

Sasuke awoke knowing he was not in his _big boy_ bed. He knew because he could stretch out his legs without them slamming painfulling in the footboard. He shot upward and scanned his surroundings. The walls were colorful and the room he was in looked a lot like a…

"Honey, Sasuke's awake." Kabuto shouted from beside Sasuke. He was sitting on the bed next to Sasuke putting on his socks and rearraning his needle collection.

"I'M DOING MY MAKE-UP!" Orochimaru snapped from another room. "I CANNOT HEAR YOU!" In the bathroom, he saw Orochimaru extend his leg out to paint his toenails a bright pink color that matched a pair of sandles next to the doorway.

"Where am I?" Sasuke asked Kabuto, who was now cleaning his glasses.

He ignored it. "Did you have a nice sleep?" he said, without looking at him. That seemed unusual…

"My head hurts…" Sasuke mummbled. He felt a large bump under his hair. "Where am I?"

"We knocked you out at dinner yesterday!" Orochimaru said, entering the room. He was walking oddly so his wonderful toenails would not touch the carpet. "Don't you remember?"

………………………………………………………………………………………

"_Sasuke, honey!" Orochimaru said. "You've had evough."_

"_I'm hungry!" Sasuke whinned. "I wanna eat food!"_

"_Now son, I'm a doctor." Kabuto fussed. "And I know you need to watch your weight. Listen to your mother."_

_Sasuke groaned, but noticed something odd. Orochimaru seemed to signal Kabuto for something._

"_What are you…" Sasuke asked __suspisously but was cut off as Kabuto pounded a large rock into his scalp._

………………………………………………………………………………………

"And you did this why?" Sasuke mummbled angrily as Kabuto healed his bump.

"So you wouldn't be tired when we got here."

"And where is here?" Sasuke asked.

Orochimaru did a little happy dance in joy. "We took you to…Disney World!" Sasuke raised his eyebrow.

"So all four of us are gonna have a day of fun!" Kabuto said, now done healing Sasuke.

"Wait. Four of us?" Sasuke looked confused. However, as if on cue, Sasuke felt something lying on the bed beside him jerk in motion and suddenly he heard a scream.

"WHERE THE HELL AM I!" Sasuke spun around to see a confused Gaara fuming angrily.

"The crazy one woke up!" Kabuto shouted way too loudly. Garra spun around towards them, panting in fury, his hands in fists at his sides.

"WHERE AM I?!" he demanded, but even in his anger, Kabuto and Oochimaru showed no fear.

"We wanted to take Sasuke to Disney World!" Orochimaru said. "But we thought it would be nice for him to bring a friend."

"So we snuck into your manson and hit you on the head with a dishwasher!" Kabuto said, as if it was normal to hit people with giant appliances.

Gaara had calmed down more now, but was looking at Sasuke in a funny way. Sasuke couldn't blame him. He never really liked Gaara. Ever. In fact, he sort of hated the guy, but this was something he believed should not have been brought onto him. To claim his innocence, he quickly muttered, "I had nothing to do with it…"

"You guys wanted me to come to Disney World, so you kidnapped me?" he said, bewildered.

"Yes." The two maniacs said together. Orochimaru's nails were dryer so he sat on the hotel bed and tucked his knees to his chest. Still, Gaara stared.

"We have a tight schedule, actually." Kabuto said suddenly. "We better get to the park quick!" he motioned to the door and marched towards it. Gaara stared at Sasuke for a long time, then followed them out.

As the were waiting for the bus to get there, Gaara leaned over to Sasuke and whispered, "What's going on?"

Sasuke sighed and explained his tragic story from chapter one till now, and explained that his mistake for coming here was the biggest regret of his life.Gaara blinked after this was all said, and thought about it hard. "Naruto's been looking for you…" he looked down. "I don't know…"

Suddenly Sasuke turned towards Gaara. "Can you help me!?" he begged. Gaara looked confused. "They'll send you back home after the trip!" Sasuke breathed. Gaara didn't understand.

"You can tell them I'm in trouble!" Sasuke said. "You can help me! Please Gaara, I'll be your best friend and we'll do brotherly things together like chaseing ice cream trucks and drinking from the hose!" Gaara shifted unconfertable because Sasuke didn't realize that he was now hugging him. When Sasuke finally realized what he was doing, he jumped back.

"I can see you want that very much." Gaara mummbled.

"They won't feed me!" Sasuke hissed. "They think I'm over-weight!" He lifted his Mickey shirt enough to show his stomach that had caved in so much, the shape of his pulsing liver stuck out from the skin, including the rest of his organs. Gaara's face twisted in disgust.

"I see what you mean now!" Gaara said. "But I cannot help you now. First we must survive a day at Disney with your parents…"

The bus pulled up to their sides as the two pale children followed by grinning idiots followed.

**The Dumbo Ride**

The Dumbo ride was pretty much the first ride you really see when you're at Disney World. Before boarding, however, Kabuto ran off to buy Mickey hats. He came back with one Mickey and one Minnie, saying the boy scouts of America took all the boy hats, and Gaara had to have one with a bow. Gaara was not pleased, but silently placed it on his head.

"Well, I guess Sasuke will go with me." Kabuto said, but the two boys inched towards each other, hopeing not to be separated.

"Oh, this Gaara kid's shy." Orochimaru gushed. "It's okay! My name is Orochimaru!"

"That sort of rhymes with my uncles' name…" Gaara said, looking unconfertable.

"Well, he sounds like a swell guy!" Orochimaru shouted. Gaara looked haunted by his past and confused at Orochimaru's name and ablity to judge people before knowing they tried to kill you.

Kabuto and Sasuke boarded the pink Dumbo quietly. After they had been seated, Kabuto turned and giggled, "This is the most fun ride you'll ever ride, son!" Sasuke didn't looked at him, and watched as the elephants lifted off the ground and began to turn.

And that's when Kabuto threw his arms in the air and began screaming at the top of his lungs. Sasuke looked at him, confused, but just let him scream. Gaara aon the other hand was sitting next to a frightened and screaming Orochimaru, who was screaming, "UNSAFE! UNSAFE!"

And they all had fun. Well, only Kabuto had fun.

**Minnie's House**

Kabuto insisted the boys should go into the Mickey and Goofy houses, but because the lines were far too long, they had to go to Minnie's. Minnie's was a large pink home with just about everything inside made from fiberglass and plastic. The moment they entered, the house did not seem inviting. The food was hard as a rock, and shiney with fiberglass fun. Even things like the curtains on the windows (the windows being made from plastic recycled from old Transformers) were hard fiberglass.

"This house is completely unconfertable." Gaara muttered. "How could Walt Disney build such horrible houses for his own creations?" Gaara didn't really understand television and went off to look for Minnie to tell her strangers were in her horrible home.

"Go press the buttoms on the stove, Sasuke!" Orochimaru urged him. "Go see!"

Sasuke sighed and stepped up to the stove in the kitchen. There was about two buttons, but he hit one of them and the stove burners lit up. Kabuto and Orochimaru were thrilled.

Gaara was now getting back to them and told them his startleing conclusion. "She's either out parting, locked herself in her bathroom out of fear, or she died." He said sadly.

"Gaara," Sasuke said suddenly. "Do you watch television?"

"No."

"Then I'll tell you now, Mickey and Minnie are not real people."

"Oh… They aren't?"

"…No… They're moving drawings…"

"What about Sai?"

"What?"

"Never mind, too early…"

"You two sit in the big pink chair!" Kabuto shouted. "We'll take your pictures!"

And so, they sat in a big unconfertable chair that was overly feminine for the two of them as two people (Plus teenage girls who just thought they looked hot and somehow familier…) took photos of them to share with friends.

**The Dome of the Future**

Why they were suddenly in Epcot the world may never know. But now they were in line to enter the large silver sphere. In fact, they were boarding it. Sasuke managed to sit next to Gaara and Kabuto and Orochimaru took the car in front.

They first entered it with a woman's voice smoothing talking; "In the distant future, the one we thought we'd live in in the 60's now, there would be flying cars, robotic animals, and the Bratz movie."

"Scary…" Sasuke mummbled.

"You want scary?" said the voice, not slightly different. Suddenly the car jerked off tracks and shifted onto a different path. One that you don't normally ride.

"In the future," the voice said menacingly. "You, red-headed-one will die to a guy who never stops saying "Un!" and "Yeah!"

"No!" Gaara cried.

"You, anerexic-looking boy, will create a group of nut cases with a girl who's JUST LIKE A CERTAIN PINK HAIRED FANATIC!"

"Not Sakura!" Sasuke cried.

"Oh yes!" the voice said. "And also in the future, Kankuro will be posioned and brutally beatened…" The two leaned forward. "…and live."

"NO!" Sasuke screamed.

"I've tried for years!" Gaara moaned. "He just won't die!"

The voice continued to laugh until the ride stopped and the two stopped screaming. It actually had more stuff in it, but I ran out of stuff to say.

**The Tower of Terror**

"The Haunted Mansion is too scary for the boys." Orochimaru snapped. "Let's take them on something nicer." He pointed upward. "Like the Tower of Terror!"

"That's a great idea!" Kabuto said happily. And so they magicly defied the lines of Disney and got on the ride lickity-split.

Once on, the man standing there smiled. "Time to go uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup!" The elevater went upwards smoothly. Orochimaru smiled stupidly. "Now this was a good ride to take the boys on, huh? I'm so good at finding good rides like these…"

"GOING DOWN!" The man cried, and the elevater made a sudden drop. Orochimaru emediantly screamed and clung to kabuto for dear life, clawing at his face is if it would save him.

"UNSAFE!" he screamed. "UNSAFE!"

"Honey, stop!" Kabuto cried. "You're tearing off my nose!"

And then the ride stopped.

**Meeting Mickey Mouse**

The line was unusually NOT there. Why? Cause I said so. There was that one kid, the one behind them. He had large teeth, fur, in fact I think he was a squirrel. Anywys…

The two were pushed towards the room with the one called Mickey Mouse. He loomed in there, staring coldly at them.

"Ho ho!" he giggled MENACINGLY! "I see a couple of children to eat I MEAN hug!"

"He's scary." Sasuke whispered to Gaara, who also was shaking.

"Let's kill him."

So they did.

………………………………………………………………………………………

The trip had ended, but it now meant Gaara could go home and tell of Sasuke's poor fortune.

"I'll get there as soon as possible." Gaara said, as they waited to leave.

"I'll see ya around." Sasuke said "Just make it quick."

"You have my word, Sasuke." Gaara said heroiclly. "I will not rest, nor sleep until I have done what I promise you. I will not feel right until I've done it. For I know I can trust you, and I will not fail you."

And Kabuto snuck behind him and smashed a walnut into his head, making him black out and forget all that had happened then dragged Gaara by his feet away.

Author's Notes: Bleh.


	10. How to Be a Super Cool Ninja

Author's Note: This chapter was dedicated to the strange cat woman Sasuke meets after leaving Orochimaru IN THE ACTUAL SERIES

Author's Note: This chapter was dedicated to the strange cat woman Sasuke meets after leaving Orochimaru IN THE ACTUAL SERIES. So far, "Elder Cat" has appeared in manga chapter 354. Just incase you want to see how wacky she is. I really was confused when Sasuke came to visit her so I tried to figure out why he'd know who she was.

Chapter Ten: How to be a Super Cool Ninja!: The Training Begins!

Orochimaru was looking over Sasuke's progress report over and over. Sasuke, who was in the living room, which seems to be the typical setting in this story as you might see, was knocking over a tower of Transformers. The note attacted to his report read,

_Dear Parents of Sasuke What's-His-Name,_

_We believe Sasuke has high potential and should start immediant physical training as soon as possible._

_Mrs. First Grade Teacher_

Orochimaru was stunned. He had had doubts on Sasuke's intellect ever since Kabuto first said, "He's a prodigy!" in the first chapter. Now he knew…

"Sasuke sweetheart…" He said quietly to get his attention. Kabuto also looked up. "We have your progress report."

"Don't tell me MY son failed!" Kabuto said angrily. "I don't let failures live in our lair and ride MY secret elevator!"

"No, it's not that." Orochimaru said, and sighed heavily. "They said I should begin training you, Sasuke."

Sasuke looked up. This was what he had been waiting for. The moment of truth…

"And you and I will be leaving for about a month to begin your ninja training…"

"Thank-you!" Sasuke suddenly cried and embraced Orochimaru happily. "I've waited forever to hear you say that!"

Unsure about their son's unusual and sudden display of affection, Kabuto and Orochimaru edged away a little. Sasuke stopped hugging Orochimaru and looked up, beaming.

"I love you guys."

Orochimaru and Kabuto leaped back in astonoshment. "He's ill." Kabuto muttered. "He needs to get out of the lair for a while."

"I agree." Orochimaru whispered back as Sasuke continued to smile oddly. " I think I know just the place… The place were I shall train our son into…a GOD!"

_And so Orochimaru and Sasuke went on a little adventure leaving Kabuto alone to cry himself to sleep in his loneliness and watch old reruns of Dora the Explorer. They faced frightening catt__le and unspeakable finger puppets and even almost sold their souls to Barney and his army of children Hordes through a game of Candyland. Finally, they had reached their destination…_

"Is this is?" Sasuke said excitedly in front of the large building, almost dancing out of his clothes in excitement. (But mind you fan girls, he didn't…)

Orochimaru, who was still slightly creeped out by Sasuke's overly happy expressions, nodded. "Let me handle this, honey." He flicked on a pair of sun glasses. "I know what I'm doing." The two walked up towards the large metal doors. Two human guards sat happily out front, or as Sasuke discovered, two human looking robotic robots. Nothing out of the ordinary there.

Orochimaru tapped lightly on the door. He nodded to Sasuke, who was sweating like a pig in extreme excitement. "It is time." Orochimaru muttered, and opened the door…

Cats. That's what they saw, kitty cats. Kitty cats of all shapes and sizes and colors and religious backrounds all together working for a common cause. Except, we don't really know what they were doing.

"Are there any human workers?" Sasuke muttered.

"Nope. Just kitties." Orochumaru sighed. A small cat nearby hissed visously, and he added, "I mean _ninja_ kitties." The cats went back to their work.

"Ninja kitties…?" Sasuke groaned, his excitement fadeing. "Why cats? Why ninja cats! I don't understand!"

"Come on, I'll let you meet…her." Orochimaru begand to walk forward.

"_Her_?" Sasuke asked following. "Who's _her_?" Orochimaru was silent, and something said he didn't really want to go see whoever she was.

………………………………………………………………………………………

At the end of the long walk down a dark hallway was a door. The door was painted red. The door was painted red with kitty stickers alllll over the front. Sasuke heard Orochimaru gulp.

"I'd have to say Meow Mix is so much better than Yummy Yummy," the cat leading them said. "But you know, everyone loves catnip. What a buzz!" She laughed in an overly cute giggle.

The door creaked open slightly as the approched and a steamy smoke escaped from it. A blueish light leaked out with the smoke. The three stopped in front of it.

"Enjoy!" the ninja kitty smirked and dashed away. Orochimaru waited till she left until he stretched a fake grin on his face. He opened the door wider.

"Hello?" he called cheerfully. "It's only me, Orochimaru…and my son! Sasuke! He came with me!"

The room was so smoke-filled it was almost impossible to see, but a figure on the other side seated on the ground motioned them to enter.

"Hello!" Orochimaru sighed. "We just dropped in to say ''ello!'."" He laughed nervously.

"Who is he?" a heavy voice shouted from the smoke. The two sat down.

"My son, Sasuke." Orochimaru said. "See, he even looks like me."

The smoke suddenly seemed to clear within seconds and a fat woman with kitty whiskers painted on her face surrounded by cats looked at them.

"I am Elder Cat!" she boomed. "And these are my kitties!" She smiled happily and hugged the nearest and fattest cat she could reach. This woman even wore a velvet cat ear headband.

Sasuke twitched alittle. A crazy cat lady? Like the one he used to live by in Konoha that appeared on his doorstep daily demanding his milk carton? Creepy. He know understood why Orochimaru looked nervous.

"Actually," Orochimaru began. "We'd like to use this base as a training area for Sasuke. He needs to start trainging soon."

Suddenly "Elder Cat" looked at Sasuke. "Sasuke…Uchiha?" she began. Sasuke nodded. "I remember you and Itachi when you were young!" Sasuke twitched at the sound of his name, but looked at her closely.

"How did you know me?"

"I'm your grandma!"

"No you aren't!"

"Yes, that may be true. But I was a friend to your mother."

"No you weren't!"

"Yes… that's true."

"Then how do you know me?"

"In due time." She muttered. She turned back to Orochimaru. "I'll permit you to train in the back rooms. My granddaughter will lead to to your rooms were you will stay. Oh, granddaughter-whom-I-forgot-her-name! _Get over here_!"

A blonde girl dashed out from another room. She was around Sasuke age.

"Yes, granny?" she said, she took beginning to drool over Sasuke's amazing hair and looks.

"Take these guys to their rooms." Elder Cat shouted. "And get my…you-know-what catnip…"

"Yes…granny…" she muttered. "Come on, I'll show you the training ground."

………………………………………………………………………………………

The training grounds were nothing more that a room of cat-climbers and cat scratchers. Some string with toys attatched to the ceiling hung above and made walking though the room difficult. Finally they found a spot in the back with none of these things and normal human training stuff.

"Have fun." The girl said and walked off, pulling her axe out to cut her way out of the string.

"Well son," Orochimaru began. "We made it. Let's start that training!" Sasuke beamed with happiness.

"I want you to start off with one push-up." He said. Sasuke nearly flung himslef to the floor and did a one-handed-one-fingered push-up.

"Very good." Orochimaru sighed. "Now…"

"I don't want to stop you," Sasuke suddenly said. "But let's get to the hard stuff. I'm ready."

"Ah!" Orchimaru grinned. "Good, good. I like you enthousiasm! Alright then…lets see… Ah! I know! Take this bell from me!" He dangled a be in Sasuke's face.

Sasuke knew it. Just like Kakashi's bell test, only Orochimaru would try harder. What great training!

"Okay, ready?" Orochmaru asked. Sasuke nodded. First he's simply reach out and attempt to grab it, then go all out. He knew it.

"Ready…set…go!" Sasuke flung his hand out to grab it. He suddenly felt cold metal in his fist. Orochimaru had not even attampted to move his hand away. Sasuke already had the bell.

"What?" he began, but Orochimaru's cheering cut him off.

"Good job son!" he shreiked. "Awsome!"

"No, can we move on. I mean like, to killing people with a sword kinda stuff?" Sasuke asked desparetly.

"Oh, son!" Orochimaru laughed. "You're too young for that! Now let's try hitting a target with a kunai!" Sasuke barely heard him; he was in shock.

Orochimaru moved a target fove inches from Sasuke's standing point. "Go ahead!" he giggled. "Get a bulls-eye. If you can't, that's okay! I'll still love you!" Sasuke merely put his hand up and stabbed the bullseye.

"Yaaaaaaaaaaay!" Orochimaru screamed. "You did it!" he yawned. "Well, you must be tired. Let's quite for today."

"We didn't do anything!" Sasuke cried.

"You need to rest!"

"I'm not tired!"

"REST!"

……………………………………………………………………………………...

The next few days were the same. No progress and no hope for happiness. Just meaningless first grade training. Sasuke only became exhausted by begging for harder traing, and he had no luck. Dispair filled our sad little hero. And to make matters worse, the cats were beginning to make Sasuke sneeze. And they stared at him everyday. It frightened him greatly.

And as the four weeks of countless pointlessness, Sasuke's anger began to surface. He became more iritable than normal, and slightly more emo.

But nothing could stop that unexpected anger that came on that one fateful day…

It began like anyother. Sasuke got up dressed, refused to eat with the "family" and ate half a poptart cause Orochimaru would not give him all of it on account his diet. Sasuke appatheticly walked out towards training to wait for Orochimaru like always. Once he got there, the daily training began.

Sasuke was busy lifting 0.2 pound weights while Orochimaru played _Gonna Fly Now_.

And that was were Sasuke snapped.

He suddenly hurled the weights at Orochimaru with all his might, then grabbed the nearest kitty and shoved it onto his sexy hair like a kitty hat. He visously tore through the room with a look of bloodthirst, knocking down cat scraters and string and breaking windows.

And as luck would have it, nameless girl and Elder Cat walked in.

"Holy bananas, Batman!" Elder Cat shreiked. "What is going on!?"

"Uhhhhh…" Orochimaru said nervously. "…training?" Sasuke roared…yes, he roared.

"I!...I!..." Orochimaru began, and then the back wall exploded. Sasuke somehow had placed bombs along it.

This part of our story ends with Elder Cat sueing them for one million dollars in damage of the wall and cat things and the two leaving quickly like illegal aliens to the border. Still, Sasuke managed to make friends with pretty much every ninja kitty, even the one used as a hat.

………………………………………………………………………………………

"I guess we'll just train you here." Orochimaru sighed as the returned to the living room of solitude. "Honey! We're home! What'er you doing?"

"Watching Rachel Ray." Kabuto sighed. "How was it?"

"Chaotic." His wife replied. "Go rest up, son."

"I'm not…"

"REST!"

And they all lived happily ever after…

Catch the rest of the Sasuke Story SOON! (HIATUS TIME!)

Author's Notes: And now you ask, what do you mean by Hiatus Time? 'Kay, guys, I'm gonna take a short break on my updates. This story is almost done, but I still have three chapters to write. Like the Naruto episodes catching up to the chapters, these updates go faster than I can write a chapter. Therefore, just like the series has it's filler arc, I will have something like that.

It won't be all terrible. I have small one-shots I am thinking of uploading in the absence and a Halloween Special of this story. Still, I probebly won't update another chapter until I've at least written two more chapters.

This is also the best place to stop for a moment. When the chapters pick up again, it's gonna be DIFFERENT. You'll see…

The story is half done and the second half will be up sometime soon (I hope).


	11. Bonus Chapter Halloween Special

Author's Note: Okay the hiatus is over so here ya' go

Author's Note: Okay the hiatus is over so here ya' go. This was a short bonus chapter I wrote in between chapter 12 and 13, but because I've neglected to update in a while I've put it up early. It was written for ('Kay guys, here's a big "DUH!") Halloween so even tho at the time I upload this (May) and it's not even close to the holiday, I had to do it. Also the timeline goes better if I upload it now, since even in this story I have a time gap. **If you find ANY spelling errors please ignore them: my spellcheck isn't working today.**

Sasuke Story Halloween Special

Trick or Treat!

_(Sometime in the Filler Arc…)_

Orochimaru had the easiest way to dress up as someone. All he had to do is kidnap someone then steal their body. This year, he went as Oprah.

Kabuto did not have this great leisure of costume making, however he managed to turn a bunch of boxes into a costume colored with Crayola Magic Marker. He of course, went as Optomus Prime.

Sasuke did not have this option in choosing his costume, nor make it. It was his loveing parents that chose his attire: he went as Plumpy, the green ogre from on the Candyland board games.

This night was (as you may have guessed) the night of fun, spooky goodness; Halloween. The day it's okay to demand candy from even the strangest of people. A day were you can walk in the streets begging like the homeless, and nobody cares. Possebly, the best day for mochers who can't afford candy on a daily basis.

It was around six thirty; there was still a hint of sunlight but even still, darkness fell across the neighborhoods in an ominous fashion. Kabuto and Orochimaru grabbed the very green and very fluffy Sasuke and pulled him towards the nearest neighborhood. (After all, they live in the forest.)

"Look, Sasuke!" Kabuto cried. "All these houses! We'll pile the candy high!"

"We'll get so much, we'll have to throw it out like last year!" Orochimaru cried, but the creepiest thing about it was he was in Oprah's body. Imagin Orochimaru's voice comeing from Oprah. Scary thought, huh?

"I don't want to trick or treat." Sasuke mumbled. "I havn't done that since I was seven!"

"Honey, you're five." Kabuto sighed. "Forget it, on to the first of many houses!"

As the approched, the sun disappeared from the sky and it had turned from dusk to night. Slowly, the two shoved Sasuke forward to the door. Orochimaru rang the doorbell, and when the resident of the house finally appeared, all but Sasuke shouted the usual words.

"Trick or treat!" the shouted in their loudest voices.

Suddenly, to their right, a seemingly lifeless corpse dummy suddenly sat up from the porch bench and growled menacingly.

"RAWR!" he cried so suddenly even Sasuke jumped a little. Orochimaru had no reaction to it what-so-ever; however, Kabuto shreiked in shock and crawled and jumped on Sasuke's shoulders. In the process, he smacked his wife and nearly sufficated Sasuke.

"Fooled you!" the man in the mask laughed. "Extra candy!"

"Thrilling." Sasuke muttered as they walked away, Kabuto still clinging to his son's head.

"Hey wait!" the masked man suddenly called. "What are you suppos to be?"

"Optomus Prime." Kabuto said quietly.

"Naw, I mean you."

"Plumpy the Cinnomon Plum Troll." Sasuke hissed.

"No, you!"

"Oh, I'm Oprah." Orochimaru said.

"Oh." The man said quietly. "Okay, it's very authentic."

The next house was without decorations, and only a bowl of candy sat on the porch. On it said "Please Take ONE" on a sticky note.

It wasn't long before Orochimaru and Kabuto was pouring the whole bowl into their pillowcases. Two small boys dressed as Harry Poter and a Power Ranger stepped towards the porch.

"You're takeing the candy!?" one cried. Kabuto turned angrily towards him. His eyes glared.

"What're you gonna do about it?" he threatened.

"Scram!" Orochimaru snapped. The two "meeped" and took off, leaveing the happy candy stealers to their candy.

Onto the next house, a woman sat with her bowl looking happily at the beggers. When the Orochimaru family approched, she cried out, "Cute trick or treaters coming this way! Who want's candy!?"

Kabuto silently rased his hand. "Good!" the woman cried. "One for you, one for you, and one for you!"

Orochimaru, who had just stolen about two pounds of candy, now looked at the meisly bite size Snickers.

"Only one?" he mumbled. "I WON'T TAKE JUST ONE!"

"Ecsuse me!" the lady cried but it was too late.

The wrath of Oprah had gotten her.

……………………………………………………………………………………...

"Honey, please don't attack candy givers again." Kabuto asked as they went to the fourth house.

"I couldn't help it." Orochimaru sighed sadly. The three came to another happy looking woman.

"Mint-flavored floss?" she asked.

"THAT DOES IT!" Kabuto violently shrieked and grabbed the woman.

………………………………………………………………………………………

They only made it to those four houses that year. Someone across the street reported them, and they had to go hide for the night. Good thing nobody reginized them with their costumes on.

Oprah and Optomus Prime (the real ones) were arrested for harming candy giver-outers. Plumpy the Cinnomon Plum Troll was replaced with Mama Ginger Tree on the Candyland board game and no one ever saw him again.

That's how bad ass their costumes were. And that's all that matters.

Author's Note: Look out for chapter eleven! Buy bye by!


	12. Sasuke's Little Brother

Author's Note: Okay guys

Author's Note: Okay guys! I'm back in buisness! And here you go, chapter eleven is up! This is another chapter that had to be based off the actual story line, but it's one of my favorites. Just note the first bit of the chapter has a lot of actual quotes, so if they sound completely stupid, it's not my fault!

After a few years, Sasuke finds a new surprise at the usual home he now lives in. But what the hell is he suppose to do with it?!

AGAIN IGNORE SPELLING ERRORS! I TRIED TO FIX AS MANY AS I COULD BUT MY SPELLCHECK ISN'T WORKING!

Chapter Eleven: Sasuke's Little Brother

The boy stood there before Orochimaru. "I'm an envoy of Danzou-sama's." he said smiling. "I am not an enemy. I come with a message."

Orochimaru was silent, then sneered. "So the senile old man is still alive?" He frowned. "So what is this message?"

"It's a message for you!" he practicly giggled. Orochimaru glared.

"Quite being so stupid." He said. "Choose your words. Or you'll die."

"Danzou told me to talk like this!" the boy said.

"He told you to act like an idiot?"

"Yes."

_SLICE_! The boy suddenly looked down to see a sword sticking out of his stomach. Then he _meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeltttttttttteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed_! And came out of the ground like a daisy.

"I LIVE!" he cried.

"Fine!" Orochimaru cried. "What's the message!?"

"I got it in my bag." He said, and reached behind him…

_WHAM_! Kabuto leapt on the boy's back, knocking him over. "I am the gravity knight!" Kabuto called. "Fear my use of the physics!"

"Settle down DEAR Kabuto." Orochimaru said. (Actual quote!) "Let him give us his message."

"But!..."

"Kabuto…"

"…fine." Kabuto got off the boy and ran off to punce on other folks. 'Cept he never left. He pounced on Naruto who was being treated for injuries off somewhere, then after practicely killing him, he came back to Orochimaru.

Orochimaru picked up an envelope the boy had dropped. "This is…!"

"What!?" Kabuto cried. "What is it!?"

"It's…look!" Orochimaru thrusted the papers at Kabuto.

"What the…" the two looked at the boy.

"Come with us." Orochimaru grinned, this time more sweetly. "We'll be happy to _except_ you."

………………………………………………………………………………………

"Hurry students." Said the teacher. "Finish you're drawings; your parents will be here soon."

At the table farthest to the back, the students were holding up their pictures.

"What did you draw, Ino?" Sakura asked.

"Us. On a unicorn in princess costumes. And some fairies." Ino said simply. "What about you?"

"I drew the Mona Lisa." Sakura said. "It wasn't hard, really." She turned to her left. "What about you, Sasuke?"

Sasuke held up a picture. "Me attacking my mother and father." He said. "They toment me."

"I think you dad's in the parking lot to pick you up." Ino said.

That was odd. They were suppous to be on a misson till tomorrow. "That's probebly not him."

"He's in an ambulance." Sakura said. "And he's playing Operation."

"That's him." Sasuke groaned.

Sasuke now was fifteen years old, and now a third grade student. It was about two years since his cat episode, but he seemed fine and still functional in daily life. Since then he had trained with his "mother", Orochimaru, and studied stuff with his medically ill father, Kabuto. Still an elementary student, Sasuke was feared by the boys, and loved and adored by his female classmates. And of course, since he started sporting his open shirt look, the fandom had never been at its peek.

The bell rang and the teachers lined up their students. Sasuke, however, shoved small children aside to get out. He was never a patient person, but today a feeling of dread came to him. Usually, when his family was home early from a mission, it wasn't good news, and unexpected surprises awaited him at home. He found Kabuto sitting on the hood of the ambulance.

"Sasuke, son!" cried Kabuto. "You're here!"

"Why are you home?" Sasuke demanded. "And…where is the Kabuto-mobile…?"

"Oh that's at the shop." Kabuto said, opening the drivers seat to get in. "So I got a rental!"

"An ambulance?"

"Oh course!" Kabuto cried. "Now hop in! We have a surprise at home!"

Sasuke got in the car. "No." he snapped. "No surprises. I can't take them!"

"You'll have to." Kabuto said starting the car. "It's at home! Now, lets get through traffic." Kabuto started the car at 60 miles per hour speed. The sirens gave Sasuke the biggest headache of his life, but he was still thankful it was like Kabuto's last two rental cars, which were a race car and a monster truck.

After their .0000000000001 second car ride (because Kabuto was going at lightspeed), the two got out of the car and headed inside the lair on the forest floor. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary. Still, Sasuke didn't feel right. Something was wrong.

The two finally made it to the living room of solitude. There was nobody here. Sasuke walked over to Robert's cage and petted his pet snake on the head.

"If it's another surprise like last time, do you want to eat it?" he asked his snake, which smiled happily at the thought of eating foreign objects.

"SASUKE, BABY!" Orochimaru screamed, reaching for his son for a long, tight embrace, but Sasuke ducked. Now face down in the floor, Orochimaru teared up. "That's my boy!" he cried. "Fast as lightning!"

"What sort of _surprise_ did you guys bring home?" Sasuke said with a deadly look. Orochimaru simply grinned.

"I'll get it!" he/she cried and hurried away. Sasuke heard some talking and glass shattering. Finally, he emerged again.

"Honey, on our trip we came across something unexpected." Orochimaru explained.

"But we knew we needed it." Kabuto said.

"For us and you!"

"Listen son," Kabuto said. "This is a huge change in our lives, but we must welcome this change with open arms."

"Can I eat fried food again?" Sasuke asked hopefully.

"Not yet." Kabuto said. "Anyways, we'd like you to meet…"

"You new little brother!" Orochimaru cried. "Sasuke, meet Sai!"

Sasuke mouth dropped when a boy about his age walked into the room. He was…utterly gay looking. He wore a belly shirt and had a strange look on his face, as if he couldn't tell how he was feeling.

"Sai, say hello to Sasuke!" Kabuto said. Sai did not speak, but opened his mouth showing a large, retarted, toothy grin.

Every piece of glass in the room cracked.

Sasuke stood there for a moment, then turned around. "I'm takeing a nap." He said. "Maybe when I wake up, this will all be a dream.

"What should be do as brothers?" Sai said, ignoring what Sasuke just said.

"I'm taking a nap." Sasuke grunted.

"But we need to play!"

"NAP!" Sasuke shreiked. "I had a long day at school."

"You wanna talk about it?" Kabuto asked.

"…no…"

Sasuke stormed away leaveing the others alone.

"He doesn't like me!" Sai said happily.

"No, no," Orochimaru gushed. "He acts like them to everybody. He just likes his naps."

"You'll have enough brotherly fun tomorrow." Kabuto assured him. "You'll be going to the second grade!"

"I feel enlightened!" Sai giggled.

"You should." Kabuto shouted. "Because now I actually have a son to play catch with!"

"More enlightment!" Sai cried and the two froliced to the park.

………………………………………………………………………………………

The next day at school, Sai and Sasuke both walked off the bus. They were holding hands as well, mind you, because sixteen-year-old Sai who is also dumber and happier than a bucket clams now believed he really was seven.

The two entered the building, and right away Sasuke could see his teacher. Apperantly, she also saw Sasuke, and rushed over to meet the odd fellow hanging off him in an idiotic fashion.

"Who's your friend, Sasuke!" she cried.

"I'm his little brother!" Sai cried. "I'm going into the second grade!"

"Lovely!" the teacher cried.

"I'm seven!" Sai added. Sasuke made an odd groaning noise.

"Why don't I escorte your brother to his class?" Sasuke's teacher said. "What was your name, sweetie?"

"Sai." Sai said quietly.

"Sai, then." She smiled. "I'll just take you to your class now…"

Suddenly, Sai's eyes widened. He clutched onto Sasuke's groomed head and began to scream.

"NO!" he cried. "DON'T TAKE ME AWAY FROM SASUKE! SEPARATION ANXIOTY!"

"My my." Cried Sasuke's teacher. "Poor thing. Let me just calm you down and you can go learn with the other second graders…"

"NO!" Sai wailed (yet he still smiled.) "I WANT MY BROTHER!"

After a moment of vicously ripping the boy off Sasuke's head, they got him off and was carring him down the hall.

"Who was that nutball?" came Ino's voice behind Sasuke as he tried to fix his hair.

"My little brother, Sai." Sasuke groaned.

"I didn't know you had a brother." Sakura said.

"I only complain about him everyday!" Sasuke shouted. (Mind you, this means Itachi.)

"He's really your little brother?" Ino spoke up.

"Nah," Sasuke sighed. "He's probebley older than me. Actually, I'm sure he's older than me; at least by a year or so."

"If he's older why isn't he in the grade higher than us?"

"He thinks he's seven years old." Sasuke mumbled.

"Wow, Sasuke." Sakura giggled. "I'm impressed. You sure know how to score in the gene pool."

"He's my adoptive brother!" Sasuke shouted defensivly.

"Riiiiiiiiiight…" Sakura sighed.

"At least he _is_ in another grade." Ino reasoned. "You won't have to worry about him hanging on you in school."

Sasuke sighed. "I guess…"

So the three went off to class to learn multiples, vocab, and how to kill someone with only a bag of sugar, a toothbrush, and a camel. During the lesson, however, Sasuke turned to look out the window to see Sai's face smashed against the glass and peering in in a creey fashion. When he finally saw Sasuke, a wide smile appeared on his face. The windows cracked.

"ASHHHKAY!" he cried but the glass wall muffled his cries of joy. (…or sadness…or anger…) "ISH EEE ASHKAY! I CAH SHEEEEE YOU! CAH YOU EEEEE MEEEE?!"

Sasuke held his hand up high for the teacher to see. Once she saw him, she called out, "Yes, Sasuke?"

"My demented brother Sai is stareing at me through the window!" Sasuke practiclly screamed. "Can I leave an never come back?"

"Of course not, Sasuke." His teacher said. "And I think you need to stop telling lies. There is no one at the window."

Sasuke turned to see nobody standing behind the cracked glass. _Must've run off_. Sasuke thought. He won't be back…hopefully…

Unfortunatlly, this was not true. Sai appeared everywhere; outside windows, behind walls, and even inside the garbage can. It wasn't so much as creepy as it was just plain annoying. But soon, the end of the day finally arrived and Sasuke found him waiting in fround of the bus. Today the two had to take the bus home instead of the usual Kabuto picking them up, but it didn't matter. Sasuke still had to sit next to him.

………………………………………………………………………………………

Once home, Sai took off into the abyss of hallways and ran too far for Sasuke to catch up. It didn't seem to phase him, though. He was happy to rid himself of Sai for a while. Groggily and ready for his afternoon nap, he walked slowly towards his room. Passing the infamous living room, he called out, "I'm home." Strangly, nobody answered him, and he poked his head into the room.

"Hello?" he called out but nobody answered.

That way most odd, since Orochimaru usually raced out of the living room with wide open hugging arms to death grip Sasuke's wind pipe. Confused, Sasuke contined to his room. On his way, he passed Sai new room and knocked on the door.

"Sai?" he shouted. "Where's Kabuto and Orochimaru?"

Only silence followed. Now oddly confused, he turned away and opened his room, which was just across the hall from Sai's. With little energy, he collapsed on his still too small bed race car bed which made his feet hang off the bumper.

Just a ways away from the lair, three figures emerged.

Author's Note: _**CAN YOU NOT TELL I HATE SAI WITH A PASSION?**_


	13. The Long Awaited Reunion

Author's Notes: Oooooooo

Author's Notes: Oooooooo! The exciting conclusion to chapter eleven! What will happen?

Spellcheck died on me, guys. Sorry for any errors.

Chapter Twelve

The Long Awaited Reunion

Sasuke awoke from a dream about robotic pencils from a long banging noise. Infact, there were many loud banging noises. He sat up, alarmed. After a moment he whispered dramaticly "…burglar…"

Slowly, he climbed out of his bed and walked towards the door, his stuffed rabbit ready to strike. The banging, he now realized, was from doors being slammed all down the hallway. But something bothered Sasuke. The alarm system that shouted what room you were opening…it wasn't on. The doors didn't utter any sort of obnoxous alarm. Puzzled and half afraid his door would be next, he lifted the rabbit above his head until…until…

The door swung open, and what he saw made his mouth drop. Standing before him was an older looking Sakura who was panting and gasping as if she had been running franticly. Slowly, he lower the rabbit, embaressed.

Sakura looked into the room for a moment, as if she was gazeing at Sasuke oddly. After a moment of awkward silence, Sakura shouted over her shoulder.

"He's not here!" she called.

"What are you talking about?!" Sasuke cried. "I'm right…"

The door slammed right in his face, and he stood there in silence. "What the…" he muttered, but suddenly another sound jolted him into shock as the door opened once again. This time Naruto was standing there.

After yet another moment, Naruto stared right at Sasuke. Suddenly from the distance, Sakura called out, "Naruto, I checked that room already! There's nothing there!"

"I can see that!" Naruto answered bitterly, and again slammed the door in Sasuke's face. As the slams went down the hall, he could hear Naruto open the bathroom door and a sound of the shower running and Kabuto's screams echoed the hallways, followed by Naruto shouting, "Nothing here either!"

Now shocked at this, Sasuke slowly opened the door of his room and peeked out. The hallway was empty, and the two had taken off to another set of rooms. The realization hit him; he was going to be rescued. They had come to save him. In his excitement, he took off to the clearing in the center of the lair. It was an old torn up outdoor area in the middle of the building. Hopefully, they'd be lead there.

Whe Sasuke finally reached the area, he excitedly jumped on the roofing and looked down. However, something odd caught his eye. Standing down in the center of the area was non other than Sai, who smiled creepily and waved.

"What are you doing here?" Sasuke grunted. "Go away and…don't tell mom."

Sai gave Sasuke a thumbs up but was silent and didn't utter a word. Suddenly, to his left there came a call.

"Sai!" came the voice. "Sai!"

Sakura dashed out in the clearing, her attention towards Sai and a look of pure anger and hatred. Sai waved at her, but motioned to Sasuke. Slowly she turned and a look of shock came over her. When she was finally eye to eye with him, she muttered, "Sasuke…"

"Sakura!" called another voice, this one Sasuke knew all too well; for it was none other than Naruto Uzumaki. As soon as he skidded to a halt he spun around to see Sasuke. Still, something didn't seem right and Sasuke gave them the old bored looking expression.

And he was happy to see them.

But suddenly, as he looked at them, a scene played in his mind. A strange scene that he had never seen before, but he knew it all too well…

………………………………………………………………………………………

All along the hallways were voices.

"Yeah," one said. "That loser Sasuke went off to gain power. I heard Orochimaru adopted him."

"That's so dumb of him!" came another. Sasuke continued to walk towards the Hokage's room. Once there he saw Sakura, Naruto, Tsunade and Kakashi. Naruto and Sakura didn't quite see him yet.

"I heard Orochimaru tried to adopt Itachi," Naruto said. "but Itachi was too smart and refused. How come Sasuke fell for such a stupid plan?"

"Maybe Itachi really is more powerful!" Sakura suggested. "Sasuke really isn't that cool anymore. All the girls that used to have crushes on him moved on to someone else."

"Who else?" Naruto asked.

Sasuke twitched as Sakura spoke. "Itachi!" she giggled. "We realized a real man needs to be smart for one thing."

"That Sasuke sure is gullable." Naruto laughed.

"Indeed." Kakashi said. "He sure is, and that's why we got a replacement."

"Really?!" Naruto and Sakura both cried happily.

"Konohamaru, of course!" Kakashi cried, and the stupid looking eight-year-old stepped out from behind the Hokage's desk.

"Of course!" Tsunade agreed. "Nobody better than to replace Sasuke than the greatest ninja that ever lived!"

"Damn right!" Konohmaru smirked, holding up a certificate of awesome. Suddenly, he dropped it and gasped.

"What's wrong, Greatest Ninja of the World?!" Sakura cried.

"I got a paper cut!" Konohamaru gasped, fighting back a waterfall of tears.

"That Konohamaru," Kakashi sighed. "Such a trooper."

"I'll get a bandAID." Tsunade said dramticlly. "Do you want the Spider-man ones or the Bob the Builder?'

"Builder, please." Konohamaru said just as dramaticlly.

"He's so cool." Naruto gushed. "I wish he didn't try to be like me. It should be me wanting to be him. But that I can never do."

"Guys!" Sasuke snapped, and faces turned to Sasuke. After a moment of awkward silence, Naruto shouted, "We're disowning you!"

"What!?" Sasuke cried. "You can't do that!"

"What are you going to do?" Konohamaru suddenly shouted. "Go run to mommy? Daddy, perhaps?"

"What?" Sasuke muttered, confused at the sweet child he had once known.

"You heard me." Konohamaru grinned. "I'm your replacement. You sunk so, so low, little Sasuke."

"Sorry, Sasuke." Sakura said. "But you just don't matter anymore. You'd be better off gone from here."

"We sold you house." Tsunade said. "So we got that out of the way. All profits go to me."

"You sold my house!?" Sasuke cried. "I just came from there!"

"Then you illegally trespassed." Kakashi gasped. "Arrest him!"

"How 'bout we just shun him." Konohamaru said. "Just kick him out and never talk to him ever again."

"I'm already used to being without him anyways…" Naruto said quietly.

"Wouldn't be a big loss." Sakura agreed.

"Our hobby of saveing him would be ruined," Kakashi said suddenly. "But on the bright side, we'd have a new hobby."

"What's that?" Sakura asked.

"Forgeting about him." Kakashi said. "It would be a life-long hobby. Very time-consuming."

"So get out of our village." Konohamaru smirked. "You've already been the laughing stock. Think of it as putting you out of your misery. No one will laugh at you if you become Roberto Samuals."

"Which reminds me," Tsunade said, rumaging for something in a folder. Suddenly she held up a card.

"I got your fake ID ready already." She smiled.

Baffled and shocked, he took the card and without saying a word, he walked backward towards the door. Hid mouth was open, and a look of pure surprise was painted on his face.

"Have fun in the streets!" they all called cheerfully, waveing…the image began to blur…it began to fade to darkness…

Sasuke opened his eyes to see Naruto and Sakura with Sai looking up at him. The fralization filled him. That's what it would be if he returned. He'd be laughed at…and replaced with Konohamaru of all people…

………………………………………………………………………………………

_Brush them off…_a voice urged him. _Just refuse to return…LIE_! Sasuke glared down at them. After all, there is no way to get out of something than by lying it out, right? It solves all problems!

"Sasuke…" Naruto suddenly cried. "We've come to rescue you!"

Sasuke froze. How much of the situation did they already know?! Sai told them?! Why would Sai tell them that!?

"Orochimaru…" Naruto continued. "You may not know his real intentions! He's trying to kill you and steal your body!"

Now all Sasuke wanted to do was laugh. _I wish…_he thought, but he said nothing and stared back.

"Don't you want to kill Itachi with your owns hands?" Naruto cried. This one was hard to lie about, but calmly, Sasuke mumbled.

"I wouldn't really care if I'm alive or not. As long as its me who helped kill him."

Now, Sasuke thought that sounded absolutley stupid, and they would not fall for such a stupid lie. But as he looked their faces, he noticed horror in their expressions.

"God, you guys are dumb." Sasuke whispered.

"What was that?" Naruto called.

Sasuke blinked. "What are you up to, Sai?"

Sai smiled. "I already told you." He said.

"No you didn't." Sasuke cried.

"I opened your door and told you while you were sleeping." Sai cried.

"Good lord, you are dumb!" Naruto shouted. "I can't believe you were going to kill him!"

Sasuke blinked. "You tried to kill me?!" he shouted.

"I did?" Sai cried, then after a moment of pondering, his eyes lit up. "I remember! Yes, I did. But I…FORGOT!"

"Sai, shut the hell up!" Sakura hissed. "You're a terrible Sasuke replacement!"

Sasuke's mouth opened. They already tried to replace him…with Sai! That was worse than Konohamaru! That was the worst possible choice!

"Sasuke," Naruto said suddenly. "Tell me this; why did you say I was your friend? Why didn't you break those bonds years ago if you didn't believe in them!? Why didn't you kill me when you had the chance?!"

"You sound like you're in love." Sai pointed out. "Cue music!"

_My Best Friends from Pokemon 2B a Master plays with flashbacks of friendship_

Sasuke closed his eyes. "Naruto, I didn't break those bonds because yata yata yata blah blah blah and WILL YOU TURN OFF THAT MUSIC!?"

"Sorry." Sai said.

"So now I'm gonna really kill you." Sasuke continued.

"Really?" Naruto asked but Sasuke was practiclly hugging him, or at least in position to stab him. But Sakura and Sai didn't know this.

"You guys are making up!?" Sakura gushed. "That's so nice!"

Stab!

………………………………………………………………………………………

It was very dark, and the sound of arguing was coming from a chanber. Sasuke found himslef in yet another set of hallways. Quietly he entered the room with the argueing where he found Naruto talking to a giant bubble monster. After remember a memory of Kabuto and a bubble blower, he dashed out and POPPED IT! Take that, bubble monster!

"Sasuke!" Naruto cried. "Why are you here?! This is the inside of my head! This is the most extreme case of personal space invasion!"

"You're Sasuke?" the bubble monster asked. "I'm the Nine-Tails Fox."

"Aw damn." Sasuke muttered. "You aren't a bubble monster?"

"Not really." The demon muttered.

Stuff happens…

………………………………………………………………………………………

Sasuke was suddenly thrown from Naruto and his sword landed right into the chest of another person.

"Who're you?" he grunted, angry that his target was just taken away from him.

"That's Captian Crunch." Sakura said.

"My name is Captian Yamato!" he shouted.

"Whatever," Sasuke said. "I'm still gonna fry you…"

"Sasuke!" came a voice behind him that made him shudder. It was Orochimaru.

"Don't use that justsu." He shouted. "We'll be leaving."

Silently, Sasuke jumped up and joined his mother and father.

"Besides," Orochimaru added. "They're after our enemey; Akatsuki. Let them live, they could bump some off for us." With a smirk, the three disappeared.

………………………………………………………………………………………

In a lair just next to the last one that was identical to the the one that they were just in, Sasuke leapt down onto the couch and sighed.

"We lost a son…" Kabuto sighed sadly.

"He tried to kill me." Sasuke grunted.

"That's normal for young boys, though, right?" Orochimaru asked.

"Not if they try to assassinate you." Sasuke hissed.

"This is really a sad day…" Kabuto said.

"Now that I know what it like to lose a son, though, I never want to let you go, Sasuke!" Orochimaru cried. "I love you, honey!" he ran up to him and death grip hugged him. "I'll never let you go! We'll be together…"

"…forever…"

Author's Note: Blah blah blah thank goodness I got rid of Sai. I hate him!

**KONOHAMARU FOR PRESIDENT! WOOOOOOOOOT!**


	14. Family Togetherness

Author's Notes: Eh…not the best

Author's Notes: Eh…not the best. Sort of a stupid filler. But I thought the concept of the chapter was…funny. Family therapy? Yes.

Just a chapter to show how messed up this family is.

Chapter 13

Family Togetherness

When they told him, his unusually angry expression turned even angrier. The room was utterly silent, and filled with awkward looks on his two parents faces.

"I don't understand." Sasuke said slowly. "Why do we have to do it?"

"I may be a doctor, son," Kabuto reminded him. "But even I don't do this kind of stuff. Otherwise I'd do it myself."

"I feel like ever since Sai died, you've been upst." Orochimaru nodded. "And we've been drifting because of the loss."

"Sai didn't die." Sasuke grunted.

"Granted, nontheless," Kabuto continued. "We feel it's the best thing for us, and we're ready to cross the bridge to a happier lifestyle."

The look in Sasuke's eyes turned into an extreme death glare in which he had never glared in his life. The two parents looked away casually.

"We don't really want to do this, either." Orochimaru sighed. "But we think…this is something we all need."

………………………………………………………………………………………

The room was white with chairs running down the walls. The three sat uncomfertably in their seats, Kabuto with a Medical Doctor Monthly magizine on his lap. After about ten minuets are the usual awkward silence a voice from the desk next to the door of doom called, "The Orochimaru family!"

The three sat up slowly and one by one followed the woman into a hallway lined with doors. She opened the last door and let the three in.

It was a dim room with a couch, a computer, and a FICUS TREE in the corner. They all sat down on a velvet couch in front of an old man holding a clipboard. After the woman had left, he looked up at them and smiled.

"Welcome to family therapy." He greeted them. No one returned the smile. He nodded.

"Well then," he began. "We have Orochimaru, Kabuto, and Sasuke. And interesting family. Ages, please!"

"Fifty-three." Orochimaru said.

"Twenty-two." Kabuto replied.

"Fifteen." Sasuke sighed.

"He's lying; he's actually eight." Kabuto said quickly.

"He looks fifteen." The therapist said.

"He's over-weight." Orochimaru whispered.

After another awkward silence moment that seem to love this story with all its gosh darn heart, the man nodded.

"Why don't we start with you, Orochimaru." He said. "Is it true that you married an eighteen year old?"

"Kabuto's eighteen!?" Orochimaru gasped.

"No, that was four years ago. When you were married."

"When I married Kabuto, he told me he was thirty!" Orochimaru snapped. "Kabuto?"

"I thought I was!" Kabuto shouted, deffensivly.

"So you married a fourty-nine year old man." He said quietly.

"He told me he was thirty!" Kabuto shouted, frustrated.

"It seems you all have…issues." The man said. "For one, I do not think your son, Sasuke, is an eight-year old."

"Thank-you!" Sasuke snapped.

"We adopted Sasuke as a baby." Orochimaru said.

"It was three years ago and I was twelve!" Sasuke snapped.

"My, my." The therapist muttered. "What an odd case. How about Orochimaru tell me why you all came in today."

"Very well…" Orochimaru sighed.

"_To make it simple, it's Sasuke's fault. He doesn't seem to like me. I'm his mother, for crying out loud! He has to love me!_

_I guess one of the days that it really took me by surprise was a few monthes ago when we decided to all go to the circus. Sasuke didn't really want to go, but I'm his mother and I know what's best. It seemed like a wonderful evening until Kabuto suddenly had to go to the bathroom._

'_I'll only be a few minutes.' He said. 'Take Sasuke and go play a game or something. I'll be back soon.'_

_And he left. I was slightly happy. Being a house wife, I am always in work to clean and dust, so Kabuto usually played with Sasuke. And when Sasuke went off to school, I just never got to play with him. So mother-son time sounded like fun._

_I grabbed him by the foot and dragged him to a shooting game. I thought it may vent out some anger issues, ya__' know? He took the pop gun and…_

_Shot me. He shot right at my forehead. Mind you it was not real and I wasn't injured but that act of evil and hatred put me in an unstable sadness for the next few days."_

"And why did he shoot you?" The man asked.

"Well…" Orochimaru sighed.

"_Go back a few days and I sorta saw the problem. Sasuke and I got in a fight. He wanted to learn a jutsu I didn't feel was nessisary for a boy to know._

'_I came all this way to learn jutsu from you and all you do is avoid it!' he said one day during training._

'_Less talk, more yoga.' I replied. After all, he more than anyone I know needs yoga._

_After I refused to train him, he seemed to plot. At first I was all 'That's my boy! As evil as his mom and pop!' But then, after he shot at me, I sorta realized how I really feel…__"_

"I don't hate him." Orochimaru cried, holding Sasuke rather closly. "Nor do I hate his flaws. But an angry boy he is!"

"Do you, Kabuto, agree?" The man asked.

"Sadly, yes." He mumbled. "And since that inccedent, it's been worse."

"Kabuto, no…" Sasuke warned.

"What inccedent?" The therapist asked.

"Well…" Kabuto began.

"_We had another son, actually. Sai was his name. The two of them came from the same village actually. Sai and Sasuke…they were a great team. They were the best of brothers and really close. We adopted S__ai about two years ago, and Sasuke was a part of the family for at least four years…"_

"Liar!" Sasuke suddenly shouted. "Sai was adopted three weeks ago and we only had him for a day and a half!"

"You'll get your turn soon, Sasuke." The man sighed. "Continue."

"_Anyways, Sai was a year younger than Sasuke and looked up to him. In everything, really; school, sports, ballroom dancing, pet grooming. Sai was also gifted himself. He could draw pictures in less than 2.3 seconds! And not only stupid doodles, but huge, detailed, mast__erful sketches. We were so proud; we had two prodegys! What's better than that!?_

_However, one day while I was takeing a shower…in the daytime, I heard a noise and went to go inspect. And to my eyes behold but a group of evil ninjas come to take Sasuke and Sai away! They tied me up dispite my fighting and tried to force answers out of me. But I was confident. I knew they'd never succeed. And since I couldn't chase after them, they ran away._

_Finally, Orochimaru found me and helped out out. We both ran off to find Sasuke beating up the kidnappers. But unfortunatlly, they had already gotten Sai._

_With nothing to do, we all fled; Sai gone. Since that day twenty years ago, Sai has never returned, and we've been in the dark."_

"Sasuke, its your turn now." The man said.

"Good, because I'll tell you the truth! "I'll tell you everything…"

"_Those stories are lies. Except for me shooting Orochimaru in the head. I did that. Still, you should already understand that my 'parents' are nothing but lunitics who have never heard of a clock or calender. I came three years ago because I was told that Orochimaru could train me. I did everything to get there; I almost killed my friends, ran away from home, everything! All to kill my evil brother who it STUPID! I came in hopes I would become powerful enough to destroy him, but once I got there, they told me I was their son and they adopted me._

_I don't want a family. My stupid brother already killed off my clan. Obviously that means I don't want another family. But they forced me against my will. They put me on baby diets and took me to the zoo to get mauled by a petting zoo. They gave me the dumbest, blondest babysitter who thought I was a toaster and they put me back in school dispite that I already graduated!_

_Sai was just a fool from my old village. He was older than me: he was sixteen. He could drive, yet he thought he really was seven. Oh, how I hated him and his stupid smile. He clung to me at school and that was the last straw._

_That night after school a awoke to people opening doors. It was the friends I tried to kill back home. Sai was not kidnapped, he was working for them, and he was sent o kill me!"_

"As you can see this has gone on for many days now." Sasuke said. "Two years, in fact."

"I see…" the man said but suddenly, a timer range.

"Hour's over." He said. "Time to go home."

The three stood up. "When do you want us to come back, doctor?" Orochimaru asked.

"I fear there is no help for you." He said sadly. "So never. However…" he looked at Sasuke closely. "Anger management. This boy should come in weekly now. Please make an appointment at the front desk and I'll see you later."

The three nodded and left.

Author's Notes: Eh. They can't all be good.

I stole the whole "housewife" thing from Fullmetal Alchemist. Even though it wasn't used threateningly.

"I'm a housewife!" heart


	15. Contact Sport

Author's Notes: You will notice I have a love for small children fighting in bloody, death battles, and this is yet another ex

Author's Notes: You will notice I have a love for small children fighting in bloody, death battles, and this is yet another example of this. The major one is the Toy Store…

After a strange encounter in a therapist's office, Sasuke and his family try to get more…together. So what does Kabuto do…?

Chapter 14

Contact Sport

Sasuke found Kabuto waiting in the school lobby like anyother day after a hard day of third grade. This time, he was greating perplexed and in awe of a poster before him mounted on the bullatin board. Slowly, he scanned it.

"Kabuto!" Sasuke shouted to get his attention. "I'm not old enough to drive so I need you to get home."

"Son…" Kabuto suddenly muttered. "Do you see this?"

Sasuke stood beside him and looked. It was a poster for a little leaguer baseball team.

"It says it needs more players." Kabuto murmured.

"Yeah, so?" Sasuke groaned.

"They also say they need a coach…" Kabuto said, and looked evily at his adopted son.

………………………………………………………………………………………

"Hello team; I am your new coach, Coach Kabuto."

Sasuke sat in a line of younger boys, scowling and silently complaining like always. He wore a baseball uniform and a cap that had the team name one it: The Ponitas.

"I'd like to add that that boy," Kabuto suddenly added. "…the tall one, is my son Sasuke. Actually we found him abandoned on our doorsteps as a baby, so he's adopted."

"I wasn't abandoned as a baby?!" Sasuke cried, but stopped when he heard someone say, "Chill, Sasuke."

"Ino? Sakura?" Sasuke cried. "This is a boy's team!"

The two dopplegangers shurgged. "No one said anything about that."

"Son," Kabuto sighed. "You cannot make fun of some boys just because they have feminine looks. Look at your mother."

"Yeah Sasuke!" Sakura chimed with Kabuto but Ino blinked at Kabuto's last statement with an unsure look.

"Alright." Kabuto said. "I'll be assigning placements for you. The two girlish boys will be our first and second bases. That sickly boy can be the pitcher. That kid with no ear can play third base. Everyone one else and by that I mean Sasuke, can be outfield."

"Seems this team is short many players." Ino sighed. "Anyways, Sasuke, about your mother…is it a _he_ or a _she_?"

"Even I don't know." He said casually. The three nodded slowly.

And so, two weeks went by as the Ponitas trained and trained for their first game. Sasuke found soon after training began that Kabuto was a worse teacher than Orochimaru was; by that it means he was much tougher on them. He bellowed angrily and the small third graders as they ran. Sadly, all except Sasuke and the two girls, everyone on the team was either over-weight or had strange under-developed muscles. The only good players were the other three; Sasuke ecspecially.

After about the first week, Kabuto turned practice into almost exact trainings from _Rocky_ and _Police Academy_. They ran up museum stairs and leapt over fake brick walls ten times higher then their height. They lifted stuff and used their hands and their feet to kick and to punch with their hands and their feet. By the time the first game was days away, even the girls began to tire.

On that Saturday morning, the Ponitas all arrived to the small field were they would define destony itself. Standing next to his tiny friends, Sasuke watched the opposing team enter the field. They, too, were third graders, but mean third graders. They stood a few inches above the others and sneered at the team. However, when they looked at Sasuke their cocky smiles faded, and they cowered at his tallness.

In the stands, Sasuke could hear his mother shouting an cheering for him.

"Go, Sasuke!" he cried. "You can do it, you're so big and strong! That's my boy, the uber tall one! Way to go son!"

"So that's your mother!" Ino cried. Even Sakura looked at Orochimaru shocked. Neither of them had ever met the Great Orochimaru.

"He's your mother?!" Sakura gasped.

Sasuke said nothing. There was nothing to say. He simply nodded while hiding a horribly embaressed face.

The three looked at the board to see what the opposing team's name was. Each of their faces went pale as they read: The Mudkips.

"What an awesome team name." Sakura gasped.

"Ours is nothing in comparison to that!" Ino moaned. "How could anyone win against a team named _that_!?"

"Team! Huddle up!" Kabuto…er… Coach Kabuto bellowed.

"This isn't football!" one boy snapped at him. Kabuto glared at him.

"My wife is here in the stands, boy." he hissed. "And if I hear you snark at me again, I'll have his snake pets divour you in seconds." The team stepped back.

"Naw, I'm kidd'n!" Kabuto suddenly laughed. The others laughed nervously with him until he muttered, "Seriously, though."

The group did huddle in to hear Kabuto's words of wisdom. He was silent for a moment then at last said, "I like you guys."

"We like you too!" said the boy with one ear.

"But…" Kabuto began. "I like to win more than I like you."

Smiles faded.

"That's why if we lose I'll make sure everyone…except Sasuke…will face horrible means of pain and torture by my might scaple knife of horror." He held up a scaple knife to prove to the kids he was serious. "If we lose, so help me I will tie you all up and rip out your hearts without the conforts of anestizia to lull you into sleep. Your last moments on earth will be watching me holding your heart in my hands and cutting the last of you arteries that hold your heart…your life to you body. Once cut you will die…or bleed to death, whichever works…do I make myself clear?"

Horrified eight-year olds nodded.

"Good." Kabuto said, putting away the blade. "Now go out there and have fun."

………………………………………………………………………………………

Sasuke found that though he was outfeild, he was trapped into the dugout. Clones had taken his position, so he was out of the game for now. The dugout, he found quickly, was not fun and quite boring. As he sat, he watched the Mudkips slaughter at his teammates. Not that he cared; if they lost, nothing would happen to him. But something stopped him from even looking away. It was almost like being in the Toy Store. Children bloodily attacking children in an epic battle that was Little League Baseball.

A blood-covered Ino stumbled towards the dug-out, collapsing on the dirt. "Sasuke!" she gasped. "We're losing one to fifty…!"

"So?" Sasuke mumbled.

"We need you…" Sakura cried, walking to her fallen friend while nursing a knife wound in her arm. "We need you to end it…"

"If you don't," Ino moaned. "Your crazy father's gonna rip out our organs!"

"Sasuke, please…!" the team begged, their small voices tired from battle.

"Yeah Sasuke, please!" they cried.

"Sasuke!"

"Sasuke!"

"Saaaaasuke!"

This went on for about five minutes straight.

After a while of hearing the same thing over and over again, Sasuke found that his "putting-cats-on-head-mentally-snapping" behaivor came quite quickly. (lol, remember chapter 10…) He stood up suddenly, shoved a few kids aside and stepped on the field.

An omonus wind silenced the Mudkips. They stared an awe once more to see the tall kid approach them. Nobody said a word and watched Sasuke to see what he'd do next. A moment passed; nothing happened. No mental "snaps".

But that soon changed as Sasuke picked up a blood-stained bat from the ground and began to cry out a howling war cry. His cursed mark flared, those silly hand wings whipped outta no where, and he suddenly had the weird lip-stick on as well. He swung the bat wildly as he charged at one boy. The bat slammed in the kid's skull, slicing a gash on his forehead. He fell unconsious in seconds.

The parents cried out in horror as he attacked in a mercyless fashion. However, the once calm Orochimaru was now on his feet, cheering his son with a blood-thirst only matched by his husband, who also screamed for blood. The parents moved away from Sasuke's mother, leaving him with plenty of room for silly arm fwails.

It wasn't until the Mudkips were lying in heaps on the diamond did the score keeper disqualify the Ponitas altogether. The were banned from Little League Baseball for life. When they had announced it, Kabuto called the team to another huddle, this time looking proud.

"Great job, kids!" he beamed. "You did good!"

"We didn't even win!" the sickly boy cried. "We were below that! We got disqualified!"

"Below?" Kabuto sneered. "That's not below! That above winning!" The confused faces to him he needed to explain his logic.

"You kids displayed behavior that of an evil person." he said. "Or at least Sasuke did. You've made me proud."

"Sasuke, you did it!" Sakura cried. "Your dad isn't going to kill us now!"

"Yippee." Sasuke mumbled as a now healed Ino glomped him.

"I'm proud, too!" Orochimaru cried as he joined them He looked oddly at the team. "How about we celebrate…at our house. I'll make cookies for you boys…"

"No thanks!" the team cried before the group all put their hands on their hips and laughed sitcom-family-style for three whole minutes. That is, all excpet Sasuke.

Author's Notes: Doesn't this make you wanna run to the nearest Little League Game and start watching?

Oh that Orochimaru! family-sitcom laugh

Goodness these chapters seem to get shorter and shorter! sigh


	16. Sasuke's Friend

Author's Notes: I think this one's a little slow moving

Author's Notes: I think this one's a little slow moving. Sorry.

Sasuke strikes fear in the hearts of his fellow students…except for one kid…

**HO SHIT! SPELLCHECK IS WORKING TODAY!** bits head off gummy bears that aren't there happily

Chapter 15

Sasuke's Friend

Sasuke noticed Steven on the first and last day of kindergarten three years ago. The crazy-looking, bug-eyed kid had encountered Sasuke at recess and had said to him, "I heard that if you eat a bug, you grow wings." Those words often bothered him, but he ignored Steven after he was sent to first grade the next day.

During those three years, however, Sasuke saw Steven almost everywhere; his pale face and large, possessed-like eyes staring at him behind corners and walls. He'd be working on second grade addition at his desk to see Steven staring from the class window. He'd go to gym class to see Steven hiding in the ball cart, his face making him jump every time he poked from behind a basketball. This strange behavior baffled emo Sasuke, and the stalking just plain freaked him out. He had tried his best in ignoring the boy for three years now…

But even still it bothered him. Now standing to wait for his father to pick him up (though he was busy doing heart surgery so he was running late that day), he noticed Steven sitting closely on the bench next to him.

"Steven." Sasuke said as if saying hello.

"Sasuke." he greeted back; his eyes un-blinking.

"Personal bubble." Sasuke warned. "_Move_."

"Right away." Steven said but remained still. Frustrated, Sasuke inched away. Steven inched closer.

"Okay, kid." Sasuke fussed. "What's up? Why have you been breathing down my sexy muscular back for years now? Get a god damn life!" He waited for a response.

"Sasuke is my best friend." Steven said; his voice emotionless. "And I'm Sasuke's best friend, too."

"I don't have friends." Sasuke corrected him. "I nearly killed my last few friends. Shoo, I need to breathe."

Still Steven refused to move away and looked deeply, strongly, passionately… okay, no that wasn't right… blanking into Sasuke's eyes and said, "Denial is the first step in a friendship, my friend. It'll be okay once you realize you need me."

"What for?" Sasuke sniffed.

"I know loads of things." Steven explained.

"Like the 'eat a bug get wings' thing you told me years ago?" Sasuke grumbled.

"That really works, too." Steven nodded. "I've totally tried it before."

"With success?" Sasuke asked. He showed no display of care in his tone.

"With success." Steven nodded.

Sasuke looked at him with a blank face. "That's nice, kid." he sighed, waving a fancy "nonsense gesture" hand in his face and shoving him off the bench. "Now if you excuse me my dad is here." He stood up and dashed for his father's new rental car, the Mach 5, without looking back. As he ran, though, he heard a meek voice whisper, "Good bye friend. I shall see you tomorrow."

Tomorrow's Saturday. Sasuke though and happily jumped into Kabuto's speeding car.

………………………………………………………………………………………

That weekend, Sasuke sat, hidden in the lair listening to emo-tastic music. It was fairly enjoyable until Orochimaru dragged him back into training which included carrying a rabid chinchilla across a field of hot coals riding on a unicycle placed on a small boat with a broken motor and getting to the other side by riding the boat over a string all while peddling a unicycle with a rabid chinchilla.

After Sunday, however, Sasuke got on his bus and went back to school once more. He had trained so hard, he had completely forgotten about Steven…

…until he found Steven in his locker.

"Get out." he grunted. He waited but Steven would not move.

"You really don't believe my amazing advice, do you?" he asked, possessed-like.

"No, I don't." Sasuke replied and violently pulled the boy from his locker. In moments, however, Steven had recovered and was standing behind Sasuke again.

"Hey, wanna see my _sharp-things_ collection?" Steven asked wide-eyed.

"You have a knife collection?" Sasuke groaned.

"Yes…I do." Steven suddenly became lost in thought. "I love how shiny they are…and sharp…and oh so shiny…"

Sasuke bolted for his classroom.

………………………………………………………………………………………

Since Steven was in second grade, Sasuke was free until recess. In that time, he colored with Sakura, helped Ino with her multiplication, and shot kunai at dummies with the both of them. It was sad to say, but Ino and Sakura had been with Sasuke for the past three years in school, and were almost close enough to be "friends". But like I said; _almost_. It's hard to be friends with Sasuke.

After lunch the trio walked out to the jungle gym to sit. Well, the girls played. Sasuke scanned the horizon…waiting…waiting…

At last he heard a voice behind him, "Wanna go play on the swings, Sasuke?'

"No, Steven." He grumbled.

"And why not?" Steven asked.

"'Cuz."

"'Cuz why?" Steven repeated him.

"Go away, _SECOND-GRADER_." Ino hissed as if the last words were swears. She glared at him as he shuffled away.

"You better thank us." Sakura said. "We SAVED you from that crazy kid."

"I could have gotten rid of him easy." Sasuke sneered.

"That kid is trouble." Ino said, her tone suddenly serious. "There's nothing good to say about that kid. I hear a lot of stories about him that would make your hair stand straight up."

"He's bad news." Sakura added. "Just keep away from him."

However, that was easier said then done. Steven found numerous ways to follow Sasuke around. Still, this wasn't new since he had done this for years now. Still Ino's words rang in his head and every time Steven would pop up Sasuke would feel strange.

"Boy is he persistent!" Sakura commented one day at lunch. "He doesn't even pay attention to our death threats!"

"Something's not right." Ino mumbled. "I haven't seen that slug all day."

"He could be out sick today." Sasuke sighed. The girls seemed way too obsessed with this topic, rescuing him daily from the neck-breathing horrors.

"Doubt it. There's the bell." Sakura said. "It's recess time."

The three shuffled outside to see a crowd at the jungle gym.

"Hey!" Ino cried. "I think a kid fell off! Let's get a closer look." They dragged an emo-tastic Sasuke to the crowd.

As soon as they stopped the three noticed someone standing on top on the jungle gym. The figure held something in its hand.

"Who is that?" Ino squinted. "Stupid sun's too bright!"

They squinted up at the figure in awe, but something made their blood run cold. The figure held up his object and shouted out, "Sasuke! You still think I'm insane!?"

"Steven!" they all gasped together.

"Well, Sasuke," Steven continued. "I'll show you you're wrong about everything!"

It was then Sasuke noticed what he held in his hand: a squirming bug. Steven looked straight at Sasuke for a moment, and then held the bug above his mouth. The crowd gasped in horror as he gobbled it up. Sasuke stood pale faced and disgusted.

Steven stumbled back and grunted. For a moment he tumbled out of view of the students. And then…

…Steven leapt off the jungle gym roof…

…but Steven did not fall…

Steven now fluttered two horrible sets of disgusting-looking fly wings. They buzzed quickly, ascending him into the sky. He help his arms open, eyes closed.

The other student "oooed" and "ahhhed" at him as he buzzed through the playground. He whizzed through the swings and under the slide. He looked almost angelic-like…

Sasuke, still frozen from shock, passed out on the wood-chips.

………………………………………………………………………………………

When he came to, he was home on the living room sofa. His mother and father bent over him and looking relieved he was awake.

And then Orochimaru nearly killed him with his souper big hugs.

"I'm so happy you're alive!" he sobbed.

"I just passed out!" Sasuke stammered; his only thought was to escape the jaws-of-life hug.

"You scared your little friend, son." Kabuto said. "I arrived on the scene to treat you, though."

So that's why Sasuke's head hurt.

Sasuke suddenly remembered what had happened and sat up. "STEVEN!" he squawked.

"Relax, son." Kabuto smiled. "He was so worried about you he came over to see you!" And then Sasuke noticed Steven in the corner.

"Hello, Sasuke…" he whispered.

"Such a nice friend." Orochimaru mussed. "You're lucky this kid can fly!"

Sasuke took a look at Steven and found his wings were gone completely.

And so Sasuke went back to school only to find that the other students had seen the "episode" just as he had.

"So I wasn't dreaming…" he nodded.

"You weren't…" replied the students, shivering with traumatic memories.

"Come on, buddy." Steven breathed from behind, making the students Sasuke spoke to run. "Let's go to class."

And so, Sasuke finally made a friend/stalker. Isn't that lovely?

Author's Notes: Whew, boy, Steven scares people. That's what he was meant to do…

Also note "souper" and "emo-tastic" ARE actual words. So says me.

Steven is actually from chapter eight. He was in Sasuke's kindergarten class until he, Sakura and Ino "moved-up."


	17. Sell Them Cookies, Boys!

Chapter 16

EDIT I missed…like…a crapload of errors and some of the text was cut off. I'M NOT STUPID, I SWEAR! I JUST MISS THINGS A LOT!

Author's Notes: I had so much fun with this chapter. Maybe even too much fun. Oh freak'n well.

Sasuke, now with a new friend, joins the Boy Scouts only to cause massive uproar and chaos. So it's all good.

This so reminds me of my days as a girl scout. sigh

Chapter 16

Sell Them Cookies, Boys!

It had been two weeks ago when Orochimaru signed both Sasuke and Steven into the school's boy scouts club. The two had stared awkwardly at the poster, seeing their names written in the sign-up list.

"We'll be joining Boy Scouts, then." Steven said quietly to Sasuke. Sasuke shot two laser beams from his eye balls and melted the poster off the wall. Still with his awesome heat vision, he could not stop the bondage of the Boy Scout brotherly-ness.

So now on the second meeting of the cult, Sasuke and Steven stood up and saluted their leader in boyish good fun.

"Everyone, do the boy scout greeting!" their leader called out. Music suddenly sounded and the boys all put their hands on their hips and danced absurdly while shaking their tushies. After wigging profoundly for several minutes the music died and they all took their seats again.

"Now boys, I have an announcement for you," the leader continued. "The season of our yearly selling has once more come."

"What are we selling?" Steven said, his face slightly evil.

"Cookies." the leader replied. "We'll be going to the local store to sell the first of many boxes. Then you kiddies will do some door-to-door."

"Like trick-or-treating!" one girlish boy squealed. He smiled in joy.

"Like hell no!" the leader barked. "It's not your sissy, pansy candy scavenging you brats do every year!" After the boy burst into tears, he smiled at the others.

"We're lucky to have a fresh shipping of cookie boxes already in so we'll get selling as soon as possible."

"How soon?" somebody asked.

The leader stared at him. "Now."

And so they went to Kroger's!

When they arrived they set up a table and a set of chairs. Sasuke leaned back in his and watched the others struggle to carry the other equipment.

"Could you help us, Sasuke?" one boy whined. "You're so big and strong!"

"No." Sasuke said and watching them in their manual labor once more.

Once the table was prepared they all took their seats. Steven sat as close as possible to his bestest friend Sasuke who tried his hardest to move him away. They pulled out their boxes of sugar delights and waited.

After eight hours of no one even bothering to look at the table, the other scouts became discouraged.

"This isn't working…" their leader said thinking uber hard. He turned to Sasuke. "Sasuke! _Start stripping_!"

"What?!" Sasuke snapped, his calm demeanor ruined.

"I hear the ladies like you." he said. "I still don't understand why you're in boy scouts…for your age, I mean…"

Finally a voice of reason!

"…but we need buyers. And you could help us!" The other scouts had no idea what was going on, but now that they were craving money, they eyed Sasuke hungrily.

"I will not!" Sasuke snapped. "I wear a frigg'n open shirt all day. That should be enough! And today's cold. So no."

"A stupid ploy like that won't get you girls money." came a sniveling voice behind them. The boys turned to see the Boy Scout rivals… The Beaver Scouts. They had a cool name.

"You sissy's are still selling _cookies_?" the front boy snapped. "Cookies are _so last year_."

"They're so _five years_ ago!" another corrected him. The others laughed and agreed.

"_Besides_," another boy chimed. "Boy Scouts of any sort don't _sell_ cookies! Only _Girl Scouts_ do. Boy scouts sell popcorn and carved toy cars out of driftwood!"

"You guys aren't boy scouts!" the front boy shouted. "You're low, weak, worthless and not even real BOY SCOUTS!"

Sasuke's scouts all gasped. Several fought to hide tears as the Beaver Scouts walked away laughing.

………………………………………………………………………………………

"That's rough." Ino commented as Steven told their story.

"Yeah," Sakura sighed. "But you didn't strip?"

"…no…"

"Dang!" the girls whispered.

"They called us girl scouts…" Steven mumbled, slightly disappointed.

"What's wrong with girl scouts?!" Sakura snapped angrily. "Ino and I are in girl scouts!"

"You are?" Sasuke sniffed in disbelief.

"We're Super Scouts." Sakura bragged. "We've earned every badge there is and we always sell the most at the sale-season."

"Don't girl scouts sell cookies, too?" Steven asked.

"No one sells those anymore!" Ino chuckled at them "I don't know why you guys do."

"No one _wants_ cookies anymore." Sakura sighed.

"Then what do you sell?" Steven asked.

"We sell real estate and medical insurance." Ino said.

"_Real estate_?!" Sasuke choked.

"Oh course we do!" Ino snorted. She looked at the two of them. "You wouldn't be interested in buying property, would you?"

………………………………………………………………………………………

So the two boys quickly learned that their Boy Scout club was pretty much the losers of all the scout-tastic leagues. Still with no success in their sales, they began the door-to-door portion of the fundraiser.

Sasuke carried his little wagon filled with cookies and looked around. It was early morning and he had not gone to any houses yet. But Steven, his salesman partner, was no where in sight. Where was Steven?

In a flash, Steven raced down the street; his crazy psycho-look even scarier, as he seemed most distressed.

"Sasuke!" he gasped. "All the other scouts are trapped in an elevator somewhere!"

Sasuke blinked. "Why are they by an elevator?" he growled. "They're suppose to be selling in neighborhoods."

"The Badger Scouts tricked them!" Steven said quickly. "And they said if we don't sell all the cookies from everyone else's wagons they'll beat us up!"

"I don't have to worry about a couple of eight-year-olds." Sasuke sighed. "It's not my problem."

"Then they'll get the other scouts!"

"I don't like them anyways."

"Then they'll get me! And I'm your friend."

"No you're not."

"Just help me!" Steven hissed demonically. He tugged several wagons forward. "Let's get them all sold!"

As the day went on, however, they found their pockets penniless. No one wanted cookies! And why not? They're delicious! But perhaps the Sound Village just didn't like cookies. They did love real estate though.

Several of the Badger Scouts found the two around noon. "Give it up, guys." one sneered. "You'll never win!"

"You losers suck at selling things!" they cheered.

"And the stupidest one of all is that big kid!" one laughed. Sasuke froze.

"You're so tall and stupid!" they teased, their insults eating at poor Sasuke. "You look like you have girl hair!"

"No, he's got duck-butt hair!" another corrected him. They insult his beauty. No one insults Sasuke's beauty…!

Sasuke suddenly shoved the box he was holding into Steven's arms. Furiously, he walked out into the middle of the street. The others watched carefully.

"I can sell cookies." he snarled at them then held his head high.

"OH LADIES!" he cried out. "I'M SASUKE AND I'M SELLING COOKIES!!" and with that he quickly tore off his shirt.

Suddenly the street was flooding with young women all waving cash in the air.

"I'll buy some cookies, Sasuke!" they squealed.

"I'll buy ten!"

"Twenty!"

They grabbed the boxes from Steven and threw their money in the air. It was going pretty good until somebody suddenly shouted,

"_Screw the cookies let's buy Sasuke_!"

As Steven raced to retrieve their money, the mob dragged a screaming Sasuke through the streets.

………………………………………………………………………………………

Sasuke stumbled into the living room in a daze. His clothing was ruined; sleeves were ripped off his shirt, his Boy Scout hat was stolen, and his magnificent hair was messed up.

When his parents saw him, they jumped off the sofa in glee.

"We heard you saved the Boy Scouts!" Orochimaru cried. "I'm so proud of you!"

Sasuke, who had been traumatized all the live-long day, suddenly sniffed sadly and fought back tears.

"I feel violated…" he sniffed. He turned to his confused parents who had never seen Sasuke cry before.

"I don't care who you are." Sasuke sniffed. "But I…I really need a hug right now…"

His parents did a GAH-ASP! Sasuke wanted a hug?!

"Come here, Sasuke-poo!" Orochimaru squeaked. And for once in the three years of his stay, Sasuke hugged them. _Willingly_.

"You look tired, you want some soup?" Orochimaru said in a baby-voice. Sasuke nodded. They made his soup and watched _**House M.D**_. with him and did stuff together until Sasuke woke up the next morning and screamed in horror of the events that had occurred the day before.

The next morning Sasuke found that women were sending invitations to strip at birthday parties and other events. In the mail he even found a red fireman suit that made him nearly vomit. He went to go eat with his parents.

When he got there, he saw only Orochimaru. When he saw Sasuke, he smiled but motioned him to come here.

"Sasuke," he smiled. "I heard what you did to sell the cookies."

_Crap,_ thought Sasuke.

"I'd like to say good job!" Orochimaru suddenly cried. Confused by the sudden congratulations, Sasuke looked at him for the answer.

"When I was in girl scouts…"

"You were in girl scouts?"

"Well the Konohan Girl Scouts," Orochimaru chuckled. "…but anyways, I did what you did, too. And it worked."

Suddenly horrifying images flashed through Sasuke's mind. After he recovered, he remembered something.

"Konoha didn't have a girl scout league." he said quickly.

"Well," Orochimaru smiled. "After I was in it they didn't."

Author's Notes: Hahahaha…yeah…

My motto is, "No one will be safe from torture. I will screw with everything and anything in my obsessions." Sasuke is only a victim to my rein of terror. At least I gave him soup today. That may have been his first full meal in three years.


	18. Confessions of a Teenage Emo Drama Queen

Author's Notes: Okay, guys

Author's Notes: Okay, guys. I have reasons for my lack of updates this week. GOOD ONES, too. So here they are:

Reason #1: I WAS writing my other story last week, but we had a major power outage due to some heavy storms were I live. We had to live off a generator. I was so bored! GAH! The horrors of those days! It burns me!

Reason #2: I had to finish exams. Last few days of school, ya' know? But it was not at all cool cuz the schools had to power so they shut them down for two day…meaning we had to make those days up. "Woot" to the school systems.

Reason #3: Pre-camp for marching band started. Yes, I am a band geek, and this year I'm a "squad leader", meaning I'm a band geek with POWER! And that took up most of my day, cuz when I went home I either had to go baby-sit or to dance, which brings me to…

Reason #4: I had a big dance recital. And I had a lot to think about so I didn't go near the computer for I was nervous and to busy thinking things straight.

So those are me reasons. I was NOT being lazy, I assure you.

Sasuke is reminded why he even came to Orochimaru in the first place during a session with his therapist.

Chapter 17

Confessions of a Teenage Emo Drama Queen

Sasuke was lying on his therapist's comfy lay-down chair thing. It was velvet…and soft. It always made Sasuke feel relaxed when he went to therapy and that's what he was doing today: therapy.

"How have you been?" asked Mr. Thomas asked. That's his name. He didn't have one in chapter thirteen because he's sneaky!

"I was mobbed by thirteen hundred women last Saturday while selling cookies." he mumbled. Horrific memories flashed quickly through his eyes.

"I see." mumbled Mr. Thomas quietly. "How is your family?"

"Stupid as always." Sasuke snapped, staring at the ceiling angrily.

"How is school?" he asked while scribbling on his papers.

"Do you read the story?!" Sasuke grunted. "Everything sucks! My life has gone from living under my brother's Godzilla-sized shadow to having him kill my clan to becoming a ninja in a squad with Naruto and now this!"

"You're ranting again, Sasuke." Mr. Thomas said calmly.

"Sorry." Sasuke sighed.

"I see you're behavior towards life has become quite negative these past few years." Mr. Thomas said, reading off his notes.

"Since the day I was born." he corrected him. "But I had a tolerance for life up until grade school."

"That's unhealthy." Mr. Thomas commented.

"It's all because of Itachi, my brother!" Sasuke blurted suddenly.

"I'd like to hear about it." his therapist said.

"Okay," Sasuke muttered and closed his eyes. Another day of flashbacks emerged.

………………………………………………………………………………………

It was three days before the great event of the death of the Uchiha clan. Sasuke, as a little tot, smiled at his mumsie who had just placed a plate of cookies under his nose.

"Thanks!" he said politely before gobbling the plate savagely.

"You're welcome, son." his mother grinned but her face faded to worry. "I wonder why Itachi isn't here to beat you up for the cookies. He always loves to fight for his food."

"He's on a diet." Sasuke gossiped.

"How do you know that?" his mother asked suspiciously.

"I dunno…" Sasuke mumbled, pushing Itachi's diary deeper into his bag.

After he was finished, father entered the kitchen.

"Where's Itachi?" he asked looking absolutely COOL and FATHER-Y.

"Don't know." his mother sighed. "He's thirteen, he's moody. He really could be anywhere."

"Maybe he's sad 'cause his best friend just drowned." Sasuke suggested.

"Be quiet, short-son." his father snapped. "Go do something…productive!"

Sasuke frowned but decided to go off and find out what was up with Itachi. He jumped off his chair and ran outside.

"I'll go find Itachi's friends!" he said to himself but stopped. He didn't know Itachi's friends or better yet…he didn't know it Itachi HAD friends.

He quickly went to see the Hokage first.

………………………………………………………………………………………

The Hokage was in his office like any other day. He was a lovable man who cared deeply for Konoha and its people. When he saw Sasuke however, he pushed a small button on his desk and grunted, "Security!"

"Wait!" Sasuke cried. "I'm Sasuke Uchiha! I just wanted to ask some questions."

"About me and my accomplishments?" the Hokage grinned.

"About Itachi, my brother." Sasuke corrected him. "I have no clue about him or his friends. I don't know where to find his squad, either."

"He doesn't have one." the Hokage sighed and muttered again for security.

This time two Hulk-like men grabbed the eight-year-old and threw him out the window.

………………………………………………………………………………………

Finding out about his brother's social life was difficult because according to the rest of the world, he HAD no social life. Sasuke did manage to find Aki, a fellow ninja with Itachi who claimed to know some information on him.

Sasuke found Aki at the Ramen Stand. He had spoken to him earlier, but Aki had been too busy to talk then and asked Sasuke to meet him later the restaurant. He seemed very nice; when he saw Sasuke he pushed his stool out and offered him the seat.

"Thanks." Sasuke commented to him and sat next to him. He ordered a small bowl and turned towards him. "So you say you know Itachi?"

"Not well, but we've been on missions together." Aki sighed. "The weirdo…"

"What?" Sasuke asked, not having had heard that well.

"Nothing." Aki lied and continued to eat. Sasuke's bowl arrived. It had eggs in it that formed a smiley face. That was the only way to get Sasuke to eat anything; put a smiley on it. If they had not, the young innocent and not-a-jerk-quite-yet boy would have starved.

"He paints his nails purple everyday…even on missions." Aki grumbled. Sasuke blinked.

"I thought his nails were naturally purple…" Sasuke said slowly.

"No, he paints them with a bottle of nail polish." Aki said. Sasuke cringed. Once Itachi had his room repainted and while he was out, Sasuke found the very bottle Aki spoke off, or at least an older bottle that had run out long ago. Sasuke, who was about five years old at the time, thought he'd help out with his room and painted in huge letters his own name in dark purple on the new white walls. His family had to stop Itachi from bashing Sasuke to death with a sledge hammer. Sasuke even had to run away and sleep in a garbage can for the night before he could go home and guarantee his life was safe. The memory frightened him.

"What else?" Sasuke said, suddenly very curious.

"No one likes him." Aki said simply.

"Why's that?"

Aki was silent for a moment then looked at Sasuke. "Have you ever decided to hate something for no reason just to hate it?"

"All the time." Sasuke said.

"It's like that with Itachi." Aki said. "We just hate him."

Sasuke finished his bowl and thanked Aki for his time. He found almost nothing wrong with his brother, but perhaps the fact that most of his peers hated him so bothered him. After all, he just lost the only friend he had a week ago. Sasuke could understand this.

……………………………………………………………………………………...

Sasuke came home to hear his father shouting at Itachi, "Why did you grow a beard?! I can't leave you alone for five minutes! What the Christ…?! What the devil…?!" Needless to say Itachi had no beard. His dad was singing the song to him. But it still bothered Itachi, who poked everyone in the forehead before storming out the door. Itachi likes to poke people.

Sasuke rubbed his bruised forehead and realized his skin was amazingly princess-like-and-soft. Like in that story with the princess and the pea. That's what Sasuke's like.

After Sasuke stopped comparing himself to princesses, he walked into the kitchen, ate more smiley-face food, and went to bed.

The next few days went by and Sasuke decided to go into the forest to train for an upcoming test at school. After a few hours he realized it was getting late. How did he? It was dark of course! NINJAS DON'T NEED WATCHES!

He took a detour through Konoha's market to cool off. Along the way he was whisked into a magical word with a bathhouse and a dragon kid and an old lady who called Sasuke Tina and then kidnapped his parents but in the end Sasuke realized none of the pigs she said were his parents were is parents so he skipped back home and thus was later than he was before to get home. He raced now to get back but found upon arrival the streets of Uchiha Town were very cold and silent.

"Where is everyone?" he asked while mindlessly walking passed two corpses hanging out of a window. After walking past a few more bodies he tripped on a kunai and noticed his clan was dead. Oh the tragedy.

He raced to his home fearfully, hoping his parents were still alive. He didn't seem to notice some of the others WERE alive and if he'd stop he'd be able to save them. But he didn't.

He found Itachi standing over his parents. And then some epic stuff happens and Itachi acts like jerk and torments Sasuke till he blacks out.

Sasuke opened his eyes to find himself not on the Uchiha Town streets but in a wavy world of colors. As he looked around he saw none other than Abe Lincoln standing next to him. The dead American president put his hand on Sasuke's shoulder and said very wisely, "Believe in yourself, Thomas Edison. Believe!"

Sasuke shot out of bed screaming. He was in a hospital. And it was BLINDING WHITE! Why didn't anyone make the rooms colorful?! Sasuke seizured for a moment then got up.

It felt like a normal day getting up. But why he was in the hospital confused him, and why the doctors had wrapped bandages mummy-style around his entire body despite that he wasn't that injured made it all the more strange. Just as he went to leave he heard the nurses talking about Itachi…and how he had left Konoha…and then he remembered…

………………………………………………………………………………………

Sasuke was now in the therapists office. "Oh crap, I have to color something for school…" he remembered. He looked at his doctor.

"That's…an odd story…" he said, writing (or doodling) viciously on his papers.

"Isn't it?" Sasuke said casually. "I've never meet anyone with the same problem."

"Neither have I." Mr. Thomas admitted. "Well, it sounds like you're busy so I'll let you go home early. Do you want to call you mom…?" Sasuke was already out the door, walking home.

………………………………………………………………………………………

He found his parents on the couch at home watching Rent. The looked surprised to see Sasuke home so early.

"How was it…?" Orochimaru asked sweetly.

"Stupid." Sasuke snapped and walked down the tunnels to his room. His parents shrugged and continued to watch their movie.

"That Collins guy is so odd." Kabuto complained.

"Angel is such a weirdo." Orochimaru added, adjusting his girly hat.

Author's Notes: Bleh….whatever.

The song Sasuke's day sings is "Why Did You Grow a Beard" by They Might Be Giants. I dare you to go listen to it.


	19. Family Picnics

Author's Notes: Huzah

Author's Notes: Huzah! A new chapter! Well, technically it's old, but its new for you. Right?

And sadly, to me this is the last funny chapter. I just got depressed when writing the ending so I sorta didn't make it giggly fun. Sorry. But I do like this one. It makes me sound…like I had everything thought up from the beginning. Like I was clever or something, which is untrue; I made it up as I went along. But all you can do is scream, "It's happing all over again!"

Sasuke faces the most difficult challenge of his three-year experience on a horrid trip to the park for a family picnic.

Chapter 18

Family Picnics

It was THAT day; family picnic day. Sasuke had dreaded it for a month now but it was THAT morning of THAT day. Orochimaru shoved badly-cooked goodies into an oversized basket with glee. "This is going to be great!" he told Sasuke.

"Your little classmates and I can play some catch in the park!" Kabuto said proudly. "Wouldn't that be nice?"

"Steven's going." Orochimaru reminded him. How could Sasuke forget Steven…?

"I have no friends." Sasuke said dramatically. His father walloped him on the head.

"You have the WHOLE baseball team and the WHOLE boy scout league!" Kabuto corrected him.

"The baseball team isn't a baseball team anymore." Sasuke snapped back. "Besides, I hate those kids."

"My spiteful boy, you NEED to understand friends and very good to have." Orochimaru sighed. "You take being evil way to far…just like your mommy and daddy!" They did a jig.

They packed the remaining things they needed and left for the park. Kabuto raced the Kabuto-mobile with the Transformers theme song blasting all the way there. They parked (on top of another car) and got out.

"I see parents over there." Kabuto told them. "It's this way." The two followed him.

As they came closer, Sasuke grunted in shock. The entire park was filled with past minor characters that had been around him all these three years. The register man from the zoo and the Toy Store was there, the anti-Christ hobo was there too, so was all the dead birthday guests from Sasuke's fourth birthday, and his kindergarten teacher, his therapist… His jaw dropped. Everyone was there. The park was _filled_ with minor characters. All of them saw Sasuke and waved.

"How's sonny boy doing these days?" Register man joked. "You got tall for a…what are you, six-year-old now? It's been what…two years?"

"I don't have to go to the Toy Store anymore." Sasuke said in a matter-of-fact tone. "And I'm fifteen now."

"He's almost nine." Orochimaru said while passing them to go find a spot to sit. They crept through the many screaming women who had attacked his as a boy scout (Sasuke hid his face with his shirt that read, "Life is Souper!" and had a bowl of soup under the words.) and found their spot by a tree. They set up and sat down while Orochimaru put his arm around Sasuke's shoulder. He sighed happily.

"This is nice, huh Sasuke?" he asked him. Sasuke sighed too, annoyed.

As they sat, the three ninjas who had captured Sasuke and brought him home when he had played "Hide-and-Go Seek" two years ago stopped in front of them.

"How's it going, Orochimaru-sama!?" they said in military-style. They saluted him.

"Howdy, guys!" Kabuto cried happily. They didn't answer him and looked away.

"Don't you dare ignore my husband!" Orochimaru suddenly growled. He stood up threateningly.

"Yeah!" Kabuto added. "Or we'll beat you up with our son's body!"

Orochimaru picked up Sasuke and glared at them, as if giving them a silent warning. Sasuke began squirming uncomfortably.

Sasuke suddenly blurted, "I can see Steven over there, may I go _play_ with him?!" His parents turned to look at his friend who was shuffling far off in the park alone. They set Sasuke down and nodded.

Sasuke, who on any other day would have avoided Steven at all costs, now sprinted towards him. "Hey, Steven!" he shouted. "I'm gonna hang out with you today, but only because I don't want to be used as a club." Steven did not respond.

"Steven!" Sasuke snapped at the boy. He grabbed Steven by the shoulders and turned him towards him.

Steven was pale, his eyes larger than normal. He shivered and whispered, "I see it…"

"What?" Sasuke asked.

"The future…!" Steven gasped. "…the horrors…unspeakable horrors…agony…suffering…darkness…so many years of darkness…" He shook his head suddenly and looked at Sasuke. "When did you get here?" he asked.

"Never mind," Sasuke sighed. "You were having an episode again."

Steven blushed. "How embarrassing!" he said, his voice raspy. "Anyways, wanna go look for Ino and Sakura?"

"Why not?" Sasuke sighed and the two began to search.

They finally came to an area near the playground where they saw the two girls talking. "There they are." Steven announced. "I wonder why they didn't come find you first?"

Sasuke didn't answer him. His mouth began to drop in horror. The two girls were facing each other; hand on their hips…and _arguing_. "It can't be…" he whispered and took several steps closer. With his super Sasuke hearing abilities, he could make out most of what they said.

"I like Sasuke, too, you know!" Ino snapped.

"I saw him first!" Sakura replied.

"You did not!" Ino barked. "I did!"

"I guess…" Sakura started but paused.

"WE'RE NOT FRIENDS ANYMORE!" both of them screamed and stomped the opposite direction. Sasuke clutched his chest as if he were suffering from heart attack.

"What's wrong?" Steven asked, who also heard the conversation. "I know it's shocking that they're not friends anymore but…"

"The prophecy…" Sasuke whispered. "It still lives on!"

"What prophecy?" Steven asked. Sasuke grabbing Steven's arm and pulled him into a nearby bush as if they were suddenly hiding from a monster.

"Years ago…" Sasuke began. "…I knew two girls just like Sakura and Ino. They looked, acted and even had the same name as those two. But one day…they got into a fight. Over me."

"So?" Steven shrugged. "Lots of girls like you."

"Listen!" Sasuke hissed. "The fight was…a prophecy. It lead our school into a seven-day-war. Students at my school fought like animals…it was horrible."

"Is that all?"

"The evil of that fight will cause the whole park into a frenzy!" Sasuke snapped. "And that's not all…" He stopped for a moment.

"What?" Steven asked.

Sasuke swallowed loudly. "…it was after that war when HE appeared…"

"Who appeared?" Steven said loudly.

"He was a normal student from that day…" Sasuke whispered. "But after that war ended he suddenly became who he truly was…the war is the awakening of HIM!"

"Who is it!?" Steven grunted, now angry. "Who appeared?!"

Sasuke went pale. "…his name was…Naruto Uzumaki…"

"Who?" Steven asked.

"The most annoying person in the whole freaking world!" Sasuke snapped. "And now that the prophecy is repeating…the second Naruto will emerge. He's one of us. Anyone in the park could become HIM."

"Are you sure?" Steven asked. "I highly doubt an argument by seven-year-old girls will cause a war."

Sasuke froze. He could hear the parents begin to argue. "It's starting, Sam." he said.

"It's Steven."

"Whatever." he stood up. "Come with me if you wish to live through this ordeal."

"Aren't you over reacting…?" Steven began but suddenly a cross-bow fired from a crowd. The arrow landed between Steven's feet.

"Into the tree!" Sasuke bellowed and grabbed Steven by the shirt. They both scrambled up the tree and sat on a sturdy branch. The two watched as the peaceful park slowly turned to a battlefield.

The two boys searched the park for the new "Naruto" with a pair of convenient binoculars. They searched from person to person, both pale from the upcoming fate of the entire park.

"Naruto was the most annoying person in my past life in Konoha." Sasuke said, scanning the park layout carefully; his eyes hidden by the binoculars. "I swear, Steven, that boy was hell-spawn. And not only that but there's gonna be another just like him."

Steven said nothing. He seemed too frightened by the prophecy that anything. Suddenly he stood up on the branch.

"Sasuke!" he cried. "I…see…tanks!"

Sasuke's stomach dropped. Two tanks drove into the park, facing each other. One was bright blue and decorated with colorful ribbons. The other one was bright pink and covered in fake flowers. They were clearly Sakura and Ino.

"Sakura!" Ino's voice called from the blue tank. "Surrender and you won't get hurt!"

"Never!" Sakura shouted from her pink tank. The two tanks raised their guns and fired large missiles back and forth. The civilians fighting in the area fled for their lives while others who were not-so-lucky were left to explode. Sasuke suddenly cried out as a stray missile aimed itself at the tree he and Steven were in…

They leapt off and ran quickly as the tree exploded and burned bitterly to the ground. Both boys raced across the WWIII field to a large abandoned trench. Inside was a small rifle, a box of bullets, some grenades, and a sandwich. The two peered out at the fighters. Across the park Sasuke saw a large, purple snake lift its mighty head (with his _mother_ on top) and gobble up civilians. The two crouched down in terror.

"What do we do?" Steven cried. Sasuke shook his head.

"I can't do anything." he said numbly. "The battle's only begun. This is going to get worse very soon."

"Sasuke!" Steven cried. "You know what we have to do."

"Huh?" Sasuke stammered. "What do you mean by that…?!"

"The 'Naruto' boy is the end to this war." Steven said bitterly. "If he awakens, the war is over. You have to choose…the war or the boy. Which is worse?"

Sasuke thought about it. If the boy was the same as Naruto, he wouldn't be anything else other than an annoyance. But the war…was terrifying. He gulped.

"The war is worse…" he said, as if the words were painful to say. "But how are you and I going to find him and awaken him?!"

"We'll wish." Steven said dramatically.

Sasuke punched Steven hard in the mouth. "Like hell wishing's gonna do us any good!" he shouted angrily.

"We won't know until be try." Steven said. The two nodded and closed their eyes.

"What do you want, Sasuke?" Steven said. Sasuke gulped.

"I…wish the war…was over." he said slowly.

"And?" Steven cut in.

"And the new Naruto was awakened." Sasuke mumbled.

Suddenly the park burst into white light. In a shock, Sasuke began looking around franticly for the source. When he saw it, his stomach flipped.

Steven was glowing like some amazing new Care Bear doll at the store. He looked at himself, surprised.

"It looks like I'm the new Naruto." Steven said, his possessed look almost scary. "Thank-you, Sasuke, for being a friend to my old self. When I wake up, that part of me will be no more."

Sasuke twitched.

"Therefore," Steven said. "I say…goodbye."

The light in the park suddenly grew stronger. Everyone was suddenly push to the ground by a mighty force. Sasuke, who was very close to _the source _and was pushed back into the muddy trench walls. All was silent.

After a moment, Sasuke came to and opened his eyes. He sat up, hearing no fighting and battling. All was calm and peaceful.

His face went pale when he saw Steven lying in front of him. He did not move for a moment, and then his foot twitched.

"Steven?" Sasuke said, almost in a whisper. The boy still remained silent.

Suddenly, he jolted upward. His grin was large and toothy, and it was so wide his eyes were closed. If it had not been for the brown hair and no face-marking, he would have looked exactly as Naruto had.

Sasuke began pointing the loaded rifle at his head.

………………………………………………………………………………………

Sasuke now stood by his parents who were the least bit happy.

"What a horrible park!" Orochimaru complained angrily. "When we had Sasuke's birthday here it wasn't nearly this chaotic!"

"I agree!" Kabuto said, wiping his bloody scalpel knives clean.

Sasuke wasn't listening. He watched Steven laughing crazily while planting the grenades they had found around every single still-standing tree.

"Maybe I can kill him…" Sasuke thought as if that was the normal course of action. He almost missed that creepy, possessed look and that unusual behavior. Almost. Besides, he DID help Sasuke when he had fainted on the playground…although he was the cause of that spell… But that had to count for something.

Ino and Sakura were both being shoved into police vans. Not cars, vans. In fact, they weren't the police at all. Just some friendly FBI agents taking them to a safe place to be brainwashed. Nothing out of the ordinary there.

Orochimaru suddenly caught Sasuke's attention when he grabbed a woman and began screaming, "WHAT KIND OF PARK DO YOU RUN HERE, MISSY?!"

The woman trembled. "I…I don't work here!" she stammered. "I wasn't even in the picnic when it happened!"

"A likely story!" Orochimaru sniffed.

"Send her with those two girls!" Kabuto ordered the FBI and they all grabbed her and carried her off into the black van…of springtime and youth.

"Can we go home?" asked Sasuke.

"Yeah, sure." Kabuto said quietly. They began to walk back out to their car.

Sasuke looked back at the park quietly. Everything had changed so fast. It began to come to him: there was no reason to stay here any longer. He watched the FBI tackle Steven with a mighty fish to the ground. Nothing here would be the same anymore.

Grimly, as he climbed in the Kabuto-mobile, he began to plot.

Author's Notes: If you didn't know, the whole prophecy thing is about the whole "prophecy-boy" thing that's going on right now in the manga. Read it, guys. Or ask your friends.

**FUN FACT**: Sasuke's body can be used as a weapon, a vesicle of souls, a floatation device, a battering ram, and a chair.


	20. Going Sane

Author's Notes: I was NOT happy writing this. This is one of the first fan fics that I've written with more than five chapters that I finished. I was so sad. My heart broke. And I listened to emo music. So this wasn't as funny as I wanted it to be. It's what it is. That's all.

Orochimaru begins to have doubts about Sasuke that have secretly haunted him for years.

Chapter 19

Going Sane

Orochimaru and Sasuke were sitting in an outdoors ice cream stand alone. He eyed his son who acted stranger than ever. He had hardly said a thing in the past three weeks, which concerned both Kabuto and Orochimaru.

They were without Kabuto that day because Kabuto, who had refused to drink alcohol because of an "incident" about six years ago, had found a stash of rum and had drunken himself into an alcohol-induced coma and was lying on the kitchen table at home. So both Sasuke and Orochimaru, who were both frightened by the strange noises he was making (that sounded like he was stroking) had decided to go out for ice cream.

Sasuke looked up at him suddenly. "What are you looking at?" he demanded.

Orochimaru jumped at the sound of his voice. "Nothing." he said quickly. The two began to walk home. Along the way they saw the Toy Store in ruins. A group of six-year-olds had come with bombs attached to their stomachs last week and…well, it wasn't good. The building was half missing. Only two crumbled walls lay on the parking lot. The other two along with half the roof had disengaged.

Sasuke looked at the ruins while Orochimaru thought again. _This is sane_, he thought. _Why if all times am I thinking logically?_ He looked at his son for a moment and smiled.

"Sasuke, sweetie?" he said in his sugary mother voice. "Could you excuse me for a moment?"

Sasuke nodded and walked ahead of him. Meanwhile, as Sasuke turned the corner, Orochimaru began slamming his forehead into a metal pole. Hard.

"This…is…impossible!" he grunted, frustrated. "I can't be…sane…I just can't!" After he was done, he skipped pleasantly over to Sasuke with and excessive bleeding forehead. Sasuke hardly noticed this; he looked as if he was pondering something.

_I don't get it, _Orochimaru thought, frustrated. _What am I thinking like this? I've never been sane; I was crazy from birth! I've never had a logical thought in my life! Why all of a sudden am I becoming reasonable?!_ He clutched his head, his eyes bulging.

_They're gonna send me to…colleges or something…like Harvard! Or Michigan State! Or something like that_! (Colleges are the asylums of smart people. FYI) He grunted. _Why am I sane?_

The two walked home together in silence. However, once they began to walk towards the house, Orochimaru had an epiphany. He knew it. These thoughts had occurred since the day Sasuke arrived. All along, he knew in the back of his head the truth. Sasuke _was_ pretty big for a nine-year-old-to-be. He _did seem_ smarter than the average child. He didn't want to believe it, nor did he was to accept it, but all these years Orochimaru knew the truth. And now he realized it, three long years later. As he began to realize this, he had another thought. _I was never sane until he came along_… he nearly choked. It was Sasuke's fault. HE was making him logical. He was making him sane. His mouth dropped in astonishment. He couldn't believe it, but he knew what had to be done.

He had no choice but to kill Sasuke.

As they walked into the lair, Orochimaru was silent. It wasn't possible…was it? Did he really have to kill Sasuke? But if he didn't…what would happen? He wanted to cry. His own adorable, chubby, cranky son had to be killed by his hand. And he didn't want to kill him at all. But he swallowed. It had to be done.

_What will Kabuto think when he finds out I murdered him?!_ he suddenly thought. He began shaking. Will this ruin our relationship? Or perhaps…Kabuto was drunk beyond belief. He could always lie when he sobered up and say Sasuke never existed. But Orochimaru did WANT to kill him. He didn't want to pretend Sasuke was never there…because he WAS there.

"You coming?" Sasuke asked from further in the hall.

"Of course, my beloved boy!" Orochimaru sang in his sugar-lump-sprinkled voice. "I'm coming right now!" He danced to Sasuke in an odd fashion and the two entered the living room which was magically there.

"Kabuto, honey?" Orochimaru called. They looked around briefly to see Kabuto sitting at the table. His head and arm was resting on the table and in his hand was a bottle of vodka. He smiled in a drunken stupor at them.

"I can't stand up." he grinned. Sasuke groaned and walked down the hallway, annoyed.

"It's okay, sweetie." Orochimaru sighed. "Why don't you take a nap?"

"Great idea!" Kabuto shouted almost too loudly. He lifted his head off the table and gave his wife a thumbs-up. He then fell back onto the table with a loud THUNK and passed out happily.

Now's my only chance, thought Orochimaru. He quietly slipped out the room and ran to go find Sasuke.

When he finally found him, he saw an interesting sight. He found him outside in an outdoor training pit. At least a hundred fallen ninja were scattered on the ground beside Sasuke. He was looking rather please with himself.

"If you don't stop acting so tough you're never gonna beat Itachi." Orochimaru shouted down.

"Heh," Sasuke sneered. "I won't give him mercy."

Orochimaru sniffed. _My boy is so strong_! he thought happily. _He's become so much more of a jerk these past years! He's even getting stronger than I was at his age…How old is he anyways?_

Sasuke turned away and began to walk back into the lair. _Sorry son, but I've gotta do this_. He watched Sasuke walk into the hut then began to follow.

Meanwhile, far, far away, Naruto was eating ramen. And he asked Sakura to feed him. But our stupid little faggot Sai did it instead. And it was VERY awkward. So awkward that even Orochimaru, miles away, suddenly got the chills. Then Kakashi fed him…okay moving on…

As he began to follow him, suddenly the awkwardness of the previous scene overcame Orochimaru. _Crap!_ he thought. _My old body's wearing down. What am I to do? Where will I find another body at this hour?_ He stopped.

"Oh!" he suddenly cried, feeling rather stupid. _Sasuke! Of course! Why haven't I thought of that?!_

He found his bedroom and went to lie down. Maybe he would just sit for a moment and then go get Sasuke.

It was already getting too late. He coughed painfully and felt blood drip from his mouth. _Why did this body get so sickly?_ he wondered. "I must be picking the wrong ones. But it'll be okay once I get Sasuke's. Oh yes. Of course." (NOT)

A strange sound stopped him. The wall suddenly cracked and a long blade stuck out. He put his hands up to block it and it stabbed painfully into his arms.

"Who's there?" he called angrily. The wall was silent. Then…just then…the wall was sliced like cheese by another blade. Standing there in the hole was none other than Sasuke looking sexah!

"So you were planning this all along." Orochimaru gasped.

"There is nothing left for you to teach me." Sasuke said.

"Not true!" Orochimaru snapped. "I still have SOOOOOO much to tell you about…"

"Give it up." Sasuke snapped back. His cursed mark (or as we say adoption signature) began to flare. "Orochimaru! You are weaker than me!"

"That's mother to you, young man!" he snapped back. "Have you no manners?"

"Guess not." Sasuke sniffed. "You only adopted me because you couldn't adopt Itachi. Is that right?"

Orochimaru blinked. How did he know? What…no…he never wanted to adopt Itachi…wait…what?!

"Stop confusing me, son!" he cried.

"I'm not your son!" Sasuke snapped. He dashed forward towards Orochimaru with his other sword at ready.

And then…something really freaking weird happened. Orochimaru jumped out of his own body…and he looked like a freaky snake! Oh yes, it's very true. Every family has its dark and spooky secrets. And in Orochimaru's case, he was a snake.

Orochimaru lunged at Sasuke in fury. He bit down into nothing; Sasuke had jumped up.

"HISSSSSSSSSSSS!" said Orochimaru.

"ARRRRGH!" said Sasuke.

"Get that piece of meat away from me!" cried Naruto, far, far away.

"Pennies!" Kabuto cried in his sleep.

Sasuke knew what to do. Because when all else fails…rip off your shirt. So he did. And he sprouted wings! And he was suddenly wearing lipstick. Again Orochimaru admired his parenting skills in bliss. But the fight wasn't over yet.

"Though the snake dreams of soaring through the sky, it is forever doomed to crawl in its belly."

"What?" Orochimaru said, totally lost.

"I said I'm gonna eat you!" Sasuke said savagely. Orochimaru lunged at Sasuke again, but a flashback occurred.

………………………………………………………………………………………

"_Look!" a young Orochimaru cried to his sensei. "I found a white snake skin by my parents' graves!" He held up the molted skin for his sensei to see._

"_Holy SHIT!" Sarotobi shrieked. "Good god, Orochimaru! Get that away! It's freaky!"_

"_I've never seen a white snake skin before." Orochimaru said quietly. "Why is it white?"_

"_How the hell should I know?" Sarutobi shrugged. "But I heard those are a symbol of good fortune and rebirth."_

"_Wow…" the young boy/girl said. As he looked at it, Sarutobi grinned with a "I'm-gonna-mess-with-him" look on his face._

"_Maybe because you found that on their graves mean they've been reborn in new bodies. Maybe someday you can see them again."_

_Orochimaru looked up, shocked. "How long will that be?!" he gasped, amazed._

"_I dunno…" Sarutobi sighed and turned around._

_Orochimaru smiled. But little did the future-third-Hokage realize, he had just messed with an already mentally unstable boy who looked like a girl. And we all know that's a no-no._

...

Orochimaru was so busy flashbacking he forgot to fight and was now in pieces on the floor. Yes, pieces. Sasuke stood over him, looking bored.

"Good lord was that easy…" he sighed, his adoption signature losing power. But suddenly, he fell. "What's going on?" he gasped and looked back at his mother.

"Feeling the effect of my venom?" he asked. "I can poison the air I'm so snake-ah."

Sasuke blinked, rubbing his numb legs. This was stupid. He had to get out of here now. He looked back at Orochimaru and glared. _I'm not staying here any longer!_ he thought, frustrated.

"I am undying, my son." Orochimaru bellowed. "You are the weak one!" he lunged at him, mouth opened.

Suddenly, the room was black. Sasuke stood in a large area he had never seen before. "Where am I?"

He saw a cardboard cutout of Light Yagami from Death Note and groaned. He knew where he was.

"This is an alternate dimension inside of…" Orochimaru's voice began.

"I know." he sighed. "I'm inside your head, right?"

"Yes!" Orochimaru cried, most evilly if I might add. "And this is where I have my body-transfer rituals."

Sasuke suddenly notice strange noodle-things coming towards him. He was suddenly covered in bubbles. It was…awkward. Orochimaru giggled, watching him glare at him. His sharingan stared at him.

"What awesome eyeballs!" Orochimaru giggled girlishly. "I will have the magic eyeballs! And then I'll make everyone give me stuff!" He became excited in thoughts of his threatening shopping sprees.

………………………………………………………………………………………

Kabuto had awoken from his drunken nap and now he had a headache. In a daze, he stumbled down the hall, wondering where his wife and child had gone.

"Sasuke!" he called. "Honey?" He continued to walk with his rum bottle in his hand.

Suddenly, as he turned the corner, he saw Orochimaru's room open. A large splash of blood covered the floor. Quickly, he got all ninja-like and hit the wall.

"Goodness!" Kabuto whispered. "Orochimaru said he wasn't having friends over today!" He peered inside.

Standing in the room was Sasuke. "What is he doing here?" Kabuto wondered but gasped. Orochimaru's snake form was lying in pieces on the ground. The ritual was over.

The person walked past him out the doorway and began walking down the hallway. Kabuto turned pale.

"Which one are you?" he asked, fearfully. The person stopped.

Was this really Sasuke? Or had Orochimaru taken his body? Why can't Kabuto remember anniversaries? What's up with those geeky glasses!? Why is there a Pokemon named after him?! Stay tuned for the last chapter EVER!

Author's Notes: One left to go. What will happen? You already know if you've read the manga, so don't worry about it. I SAID DON'T WORRY, GODDAMN YOU!

As for the references of Naruto eating ramen, I was reading the manga to get the events in order so the story wasn't a complete flop. But as I was reading, a random scene with Naruto and company was just put there in the middle of the epic-ness. Totally not cool.


	21. The End: Epilogue

Author's Note: Oh my god, I can't believe this is over! It makes me so sad! This really is the first long story I've ever finished! It was so sad about that, I didn't make it very funny. Sorry. And really, it's hardly a chapter. It's so short. Oh well.

**PLEASE READ: If you enjoyed this story, I'm thinking of making a sequel for it. But I don't know about it. I want to know what you think. If you feel that a story continuing Sasuke's wacky adventures is a good idea, (this one being about Team Snake) GO TO MY PROFILE PAGE AND VOTE IN THE POLL. Every one who reads this should, because I need "no's" as well as "yeses". If you feel it would stop me from further destroying all that you know and love about the series, tell me so. If you enjoy we warping the series beyond what it probably should be warped, tell me so. Your vote will choose my course of action, and that is very powerful, in my book. In fact, it's kinda scary. But do it anyways, and do it now.**

Enjoy the finale of The Three Years. Thanks so much for everyone who read, reviewed, talked to me about bashing Sakura (you know who you are), talked to me about other, odd things usually related to Kabuto (you also know who you are), and just reading it. Thanks to everyone who's stuck it out since chapter one. You guys are awesome. Thanks a lot.

DeathByBacon :)

Chapter 20

The End: Epilogue

The person looked back at Kabuto, his face emotionless. "Which do you think?" he asked. He smiled slightly.

"…Sasuke?" Kabuto gasped. "You…beat your mother?!"

"No." Sasuke sneered sarcastically. "Of course I did."

"You wanted the family business that bad?!" Kabuto gasped. Sasuke smacked his forehead.

"I'm done with this place!" he snapped. "I've been trying to get out of here for years now!"

"Why are you so cruel?!" Kabuto gasped. He ran into the room and picked up the snake head. "I loved your mother!" he sobbed, hugging the severed head. "You destroyed him!"

"Like I said…" Sasuke sighed. "I'm done here."

"At least give your old man a hug!" Kabuto snapped.

"I'm not…!" Sasuke answered but Kabuto had glomped him; his hugs almost as powerful as Orochimaru's.

"I love you, son!" he babbled. "Please don't forget me!"

"Get off!" Sasuke snapped, trying his hardest to knock Kabuto off him. Still he held on.

"Remember all that we've been through!" Kabuto wailed. Sasuke stopped for a moment. He remembered coming to the door of the lair, finding his true role in their plans, hearing a disturbing story about how Orochimaru and Kabuto met, survived a horrible visit to the world's scariest toy store, ran for his life in hide-and-go-seek, relived his fourth birthday and his first day of school, went to Disney World with Gaara, and met a crazy cat lady. He'd had a "little brother", joined a baseball team and boy scouts, met the strangest kid in the world and survived a prophecy and a war with his three "friends" who finally being released from FBI custody.

"It wasn't that eventful." Sasuke mumbled and shook Kabuto off onto the floor. Kabuto sat there, looking up at him from the ground with tears in his eyes.

"I guess this is good-bye." he sniffed as Sasuke turned away. "Farewell, my son!"

Sasuke finally opened the doors of the lair with freedom for the first time. Sniffing that good 'ol free air, he began to walk down the training grounds. _I released one of those "souls" Orochimaru had in his head,_ he thought to himself. _He should be around here somewhere._

As he walked away, however, something made him stop and look at the lair for a long time. A moment passed where he was dead silent, staring at it oddly; and for a moment, he couldn't think of anything else but the lair. After a moment, he realized what he had come to do and took off.

The End


End file.
